Soda At 70 Proof
by Arty B. Good
Summary: Thanks to varying stages of sobriety and inebriation, Rachel and Fanny's friendship evolves into a romance. It might even be great, if all these people would stop trying to interfere. T for language and theme. Includes dark humor. Action in later chapters. Not that kind of action; it's the fighting kind of action.
1. Halloween

Disclaimer: The Kids Next Door does not belong to me. I do not own any stake in the Kids Next Door franchise. I do not own any of the characters that appear in the Kids Next Door television show. I do not make any money off this story. Any other non-canon characters, however, are mine.

_= = = Written after Hemingway's "Hills Like White Elephants." = = = _

The hours of operation in Lime Ricky's only ran until twelve midnight. The bar was usually empty by then, because all the patrons would either be sleeping or partying elsewhere. The regulars knew, however, that the barkeep ran Lime Ricky's by himself until 2 am on weekends. He wasn't paid to keep the extra hours; he did it for the sake of gaining experience.

On this particular night, the bar was more deserted than usual. Cardboard bats and skeletons hung from the ceiling between the dim light fixtures in order to give the place a festive air. Small bowls of candy stood on the counter. The barkeep lowered the volume on the jukebox. There wasn't anyone else around to enjoy the music and why should there be? It was Halloween. Kids and teens were out getting candy, not sitting around drinking sodas.

The barkeep polished a bit of the counter with a rag and watched the reporters, Nick and Chip, as they talked about some destructive new sport. He didn't stop to look when the door opened; patrons didn't come in to be stared at. Eventually, he glanced at the kid when she sat down at a stool. It was Rachel McKenzie. The barkeep struggled to remember if she was still known as Numbuh…uh, something. Wasn't she already decommissioned? Perhaps she was already working for the Teens Next Door. Or maybe she was still working for the KND? Regardless, the barkeep didn't think it was important that he know his customers by their KND numbers. As far as he was concerned, they checked their duties at the door and were known only by their names. Rachel seemed to know it too. Instead of coming in her teal and purple sweatpants and sweater, she wore jeans and dark p-coat.

"Why, if it isn't Miss McKenzie," the barkeep gave a lopsided smile and leaned against the counter. "What can I do for you?"

"Hey, George," Rachel unbuttoned her coat, but left it on against the slight chill. "I was half expecting you to be closed up by now."

"And miss all the shebas that come in?"

"Any come in at all?"

"There's you," the barkeep let loose a triumphant smile when Rachel ducked her head. She walked right into that one. "What kind of giggle water you itchin' for, miss?"

"Just a Rogers, George."

"Copacetic," the barkeep brought a highball glass from under the counter. He filled it with ice and mixed in coke and grenadine syrup.

"Rather empty tonight, isn't it?" Rachel said. The barkeep dropped in a maraschino cherry and set it in front of Rachel on top of a cardboard coaster.

"That's what happens during Halloween, Rachel. Everyone's dolled up and getting candy," the barkeep said. "You wouldn't happen to have a costume on right now, would you?" He looked at Rachel's p-coat. "Maybe you're a torpedo?"

"Hah. No…I'm not dressed as anything."

"That ain't Jake."

"Look who's talking. You aren't dressed as anything either."

"Oh yeah, where is it?" the barkeep looked around. "There it is." He took out and put on a keffiyeh, then turned and made a dashing pose.

Rachel snorted, then covered her mouth. "Uhm…you're…a terrorist?"

"No! I'm Valentino."

"Oh, okay?"

"The important thing is, I've got a costume," the barkeep kept the headgear on and popped a candy into his mouth. "It's just you who's got no glad rags."

"Is it really that important to dress up for Halloween?"

"Yeah, it is. Why do you have to be upstage in this joint?"

"Okay jeeze, I'm sorry. You have an extra costume?"

The barkeep held out a dark fedora.

"Be a torpedo," he whispered. "Do it."

Rachel sighed, took the hat and put it on. The barkeep nodded in approval.

"Now you just have to talk the part."

"I don't talk the part?"

"Nope. Now repeat after me; _that sheik is a nifty hoofer_."

"That sheik is a nifty hoofer?"

"_I carry a torch for him_."

"Uh..."

"_We always pet in the struggle buggy_."

"Yeah no. Nice try, George. You can't fool me."

The barkeep clicked his tongue and Rachel smiled.

"There's a big six I'm balled up over," she said. Her smile faltered. "He's really keen, but there ain't gonna be any cash."

"Well, well, well. Any checks?"

"Not even. Bank's closed and there's no sign of it opening."

"He's a sap," the barkeep started another Roy Rogers as Rachel finished her drink. "You got it, baby. If this piker ain't goofy then he can go chase himself, see?"

"…Thanks, George." Rachel accepted the new drink and turned it around in her hands. "That means a lot."

The door opened. In traipsed Fanny Fulbright, wearing surgical greens and a lab coat. The specialty on her fake ID tag read _"Lobotomy."_ Her eyes fell on Rachel and she went over and sat next to her.

"Hey, Rach. Nice hat."

"Hi, Fanny," Rachel touched the brim of her fedora with two fingers. "It's really George's."

"Ah. I'll have a lime cola, George. Are you supposed to be a terrorist?"

"I'm Valentino!" the barkeep took out another highball glass and mixed in ice, lime juice and coke. He served it in a similar fashion to the Rogers. "Here you go, doc."

"Thanks," Fanny took a sip as the barkeep moved down the counter and raised the volume on the jukebox so that Fanny and Rachel could talk without worrying about being overheard. Fanny turned to Rachel.

"How are you?"

"Um…"

"Mmm. I know that look. That's the look of you wonderin' whether yer going to tell me the truth or not. I'm not here t'hear lies, Rach."

"Oh, you're not going to be happy about it, Fanny."

"Don't tell me it's boy trouble."

"It's boy trouble."

"Zero save us all. Yer in here, by yourself, drinkin' fer sadness. That's not a good thing, yeh know."

"I know," Rachel downed half her drink. "Pitiful, isn't it?"

"Not really. Yer not alone anymore; I'm here now too. Tell me what's going on?"

Rachel finished her second drink before she answered. "I'm down here, drinking, while Nigel is out there somewhere saving kids from all kinds of trouble."

"You miss him."

"…Yeah."

"Well, bring him back! Adult tyranny didn't disappear when he did, Rach. It got worse!"

"I know."

"We need him here!"

"I know," Rachel sighed and signaled George for another drink. "I know all of that, Fanny. I still can't do it. I can't just drag him back."

"Why not?"

"Because being out there is what makes him happy."

Fanny stared. "You can't be serious."

"I am." Rachel paused as the barkeep set down another glass in front of her. "Maybe he'll come back someday. Maybe he'll show up today and say something like, _'oh Rachel, I've been an idiot. But now I'm back and we can kick butt together and maybe go see a movie.'_ But that's not going to happen." She chugged a third of the drink down. "No amount of wishing on my part will ever make that happen and that sucks."

Fanny was silent. Rachel nursed the sweating glass in her hands.

"You should go after him anyway. I mean, look at yourself. You're miserable."

Rachel snorted as she took another swig. "Thanks."

"No, I mean it. I can't stand to see you so sad, Rachel. You should think about your own happiness."

"That's so selfish," Rachel's words were starting to slur. "You don't understand. I can't be selfish. Not with him."

"And I can never be selfish with you," Fanny said. "Believe me; I know. I see you, like, _really_ see you. And I think you're great and amazing and all this stuff and I want to tell you every time I see you. And that would make me happy. But that wouldn't make you happy. It would only make you happy if all that stuff came from Numbuh 1. So I don't say a word…of any of it. Because if I did then I'd be selfish."

Rachel's eyes went wide and she scrutinized Fanny like never before. Fanny tipped her drink back and chugged her soda down.

"I…uh…I mean that in a totally platonic way," Fanny pulled on a poker face and signaled the barkeep for another lime cola. Rachel stared for a few moments, then turned back to her own soda.

"Okay."

There was a lull in the conversation as the two girls sipped at their drinks. The song on the jukebox changed and Rachel smiled.

"I like this song."

"This song sucks."

"You know the dance for it?"

"…There's a dance for this song?"

"Yeah," Rachel got up and stepped back from the bar. She swayed, but managed to stay upright. "It's so easy even I can do it. Look; all you do is shuffle your feet."

Fanny watched Rachel shuffle back and forth from side to side. "That's stupid."

"That's how it's done."

"That is a drunk's dance if I ever saw one."

"Hey," Rachel frowned. "I'm not drunk."

"Yer on your third drink."

Rachel sat back down. "Really?"

"Yes. How long have you been here?"

"Uhm…since twelve?"

Fanny stared. "It's only twelve thirty."

"Is that bad?"

"You're done," Fanny finished her drink and slapped some money on the counter. "Thanks for the soda, George!"

"No problem. You're gonna get Rachel home?"

"Yeah," Fanny eyed Rachel's drink, then finished that one off too. She tugged on Rachel's hands. "Come on up, you."

"Okay," Rachel stood up and almost fell over. Fanny hauled her upright.

"Oof! What the hell, Rachel?"

"I'm sorry…" Rachel laughed. "You're right…I'm…done."

"Yeah," Fanny pulled Rachel's arm over her shoulders to help keep her up. She put the fedora on the counter, and together, she and Rachel staggered out of the bar and into the cold night. The streetlamps blared orange light onto the concrete. Garbage lined the gutters of the street.

"Hmm," Rachel fumbled with the buttons on her coat. Fanny rolled her eyes and buttoned up Rachel's coat for her.

"Yer such a helpless baby. How were you planning on getting home alone like this?"

"Shut up," Rachel slurred. "Aren't you cold?"

"Not really. I'm wearing thermal wear under this costume."

The two of them leaned against each other and walked through the deserted streets. Now and then a stray cat would come out of nowhere and cut across their path.

"You know," Fanny said. "Nigel wouldn't make a good boyfriend."

"What," Rachel slowed to a halt. "What are you talking about? We've got plenty in common."

"No, it's not a compatibility issue. He'd make an awful boyfriend period. He already had a chance at it and look how that turned out."

"He didn't love Lizzie."

"Are you kidding me? He totally loved that girl. He thought the world of her and he still treated her like crap."

"No!" Rachel stumbled, then pushed Fanny away and sprawled against a nearby wall for support. "That's not true!"

"Which part? The love part or the crappy treatment part?"

"Uh…"

"He was head over heels for Lizzie and yet," Fanny started counting off on fingers. "He promised her stuff multiple times and didn't follow through. He was ashamed of her. He humiliated her in front of her entire family. He deceived her. He roped his team into helping him deceive her."

"That…that was necessary!"

"Oh, come on! A boy's only as good as his word, Rach. I know. My father's told me that and my brothers tell me that too. When a boy says he'll do something, _he's got to do it_."

"Shut up. You shut your mouth right now."

"No. This has got to be said. A boy's got to keep his promises. If his word's no good, then the boy's no good; that's how it works. I might think my brothers and a couple other boys are stupid, but I still respect them _because they're not liars_! Nigel has never followed through with anything he has promised Lizzie. And she was his _girlfriend_."

"No! You're wrong. You have to be wrong."

"Then prove me wrong. Come on; do it."

"Nigel was a good boyfriend! It was all Lizzie's fault; she was a possessive girlfriend. She was all clingy and she yelled at him all the time."

"And how else would she have gotten him to listen? If it wasn't for her heckling, they wouldn't have done anything together. And she wouldn't have had to heckle if he gave her some attention now and again. You know," Fanny crossed her arms. "All those times he promised he would?"

"There was that boyfriend helmet…"

"That she used only after he started avoiding her. He proved that he was ashamed of her first. She didn't even start yelling at him before that incident. I can't help but ask why, if he loved her so much, he was so embarrassed in the first place!"

"They…were stupid kids? Uhm…they weren't ready for a relationship? He didn't like her?"

"Then they shouldn't have been dating at all."

"Well, that was then. This is now."

"Nowadays, he's zipping around the galaxy. Can't say he's ready for another relationship, can you?"

"Nigel listened to me. He didn't deny me and he certainly didn't humiliate me. Nigel told me he'd do plenty of things in the past and he never broke his word then."

"Oh Rach…how could he not follow through with you? You were his boss."

Rachel seemed thrown. She put her back to the wall and slid down onto the chilly sidewalk. Fanny stepped closer.

"Rach?"

"Zero," Rachel whispered and began to blink furiously. "I am way too sober to be hearing this."

Fanny grimaced. "More soda?"

"Yeah," Rachel reached up and let Fanny pull her back onto her feet. "Come on. I know Harvey's got some in the fridge at home."

_= = = Harvey is not going to be happy when he finds his soda missing. = = =_

The McKenzie house was dark and quiet. There was a six pack chilling in the fridge and the two girls swiped it and went out into the backyard. It was a rather nice backyard, well, as far as they could see. The moon didn't illuminate much. But there was a low table and two lawn chairs and the girls commandeered the furniture. A cat leaped onto the fence and disappeared over the side. Rachel wrestled a can out of the six pack rings and popped it open. Fanny followed suit.

"Aren't you mad at me? I told you that your all-time, biggest crush in the whole wide world ever is a jerk."

"Nah," Rachel drank some of her soda. "I just…love is blind, you know? You're right about Nigel and I wouldn't have figured all that out on my own. Besides," she smirked. "If you were in love with a jerk, I'd tell you too."

"Uh, speaking of crushes. Did yeh ever think that 19th Century was…uhm…"

"The sailor boy? He would have driven you crazy."

"Yeah?"

"Absolutely. He's old school, Fanny. I know that…uh…chivalry's a dying art. There are some guys out there who still do that chivalry thing. But there's a difference between being chivalrous and being chauvinist, you know? I think that if you two kept at it, then you'd eventually start to hate him."

"Hmm."

"Mmm."

Fanny held out her fist. "Chicks before dicks."

"Oh, yeah," Rachel pounded it. "Chicks before dicks." She sighed. "Gosh, boys are so dumb."

Fanny chuckled as she drank her soda. "You should be giving me a medal. I figured that out first."

"Then what was that about 19th Century?"

"Momentary weakness," Fanny swept her hand across as if seeing a grand vision "I was a pioneer. I was Prometheus discovering fire."

"Come on. It's not that big of a discovery."

"Oh yeah? Tell me yeh aren't smarter than yeh were yesterday fer knowing that boys are stupid. Tell me."

Rachel just shrugged and popped open another can of soda.

"That's what I thought," Fanny finished off her can and reached for another one.

"Maybe I should try dating girls."

Fanny laughed. "What? Like we're not complicated?"

"Hmm. Maybe you're right. Maybe I should just date you."

Fanny spat out her soda and stared.

"…I mean that in a totally platonic way," Rachel pulled on a poker face and took another swig of soda. Fanny stared for a few moments, then turned back to her own can.

"Okay," she pulled her lab coat tighter around her. Rachel looked at her.

"Come on, let's go inside. I think we're done," Rachel finished off her can and got up. "Whoops!" she stumbled and fell back into the chair. "Oof."

"Hah!" Fanny set her can down and made to get up too just to find out that her balance wasn't go great either. "Yeah, we're done."

Rachel got up a little bit more carefully. "I'm going to fall asleep in my own bed…even if I have to crawl there."

After a lot of falling, giggling and stumbling through the dark, they got to Rachel's room. Rachel took off her coat and flopped onto the twin bed as Fanny fumbled for the light switch.

"We are so drunk," Rachel giggled. Her words were slurred and Fanny laughed.

"How…how were you planning on getting here alone in the first place, Rach?"

"Don't give me…uh…don't give me that," Rachel let Fanny pull off her shoes. "You're not exactly sober either and you arrived at the bar by yourself."

"I wasn't planning on running into you," Fanny dropped the shoes onto the floor. "And I was only planning on getting one drink. Just one." She swayed on the spot and blinked. "All set then?"

"Wait," Rachel reached for her and Fanny stumbled closer. Rachel took hold of Fanny's hand. "You're not thinking about walking home by yourself. It's like…uh…" she peered at the clock on her bedside table. "Really late at night. That's asking for trouble."

"I'll be fine. I made it to Lime Ricky's okay, didn't I? And you made it to Lime Ricky's too."

"Yeah, but that was…that was while we were sober and you…you are drunk now. Drunk. And…is Halloween, the night when all the trouble happens. You will be walking through town…all by yourself and…and…shoot, Fanny. You got a death wish?"

"No…" Fanny swayed, then fell across the bed. "Oof. What do you suggest then, genius?"

"Stay here."

"With all due respect, Rach…that might be a worse idea than chancing kidnappers."

"Why?"

"Because…because. Do you know how this works? The both of us are piss drunk. When we wake up…uh…when, when we wake up in the morning, we won't remember what happened. And…and then it'll be all awkward and stuff."

"What? We are not _that_ drunk."

"Yes, we are."

"I'm still not letting you go out there."

"Okay, fine," Fanny got up and staggered to the light switch. "Do I stay on the couch?"

"Just…just get over here."

"Uh..." Fanny stared as Rachel scooted over, then she stepped out of her shoes. "Okay."

Fanny turned off the light.

_= = = THE END. Want more? TOO BAD, SO SAD. EDIT: WAIT, I LIED! = = = _

So ends the one-shot. (EDIT: NUH-UH, YOU CLICK THAT "NEXT CHAPTER" BUTTON. I KNOW YOU WANNA READ THE REST. GET ON THAT LIKE GRAVY ON MASHED POTATOES.) I wanted to practice writing dialogue, so I busted this out. My favorite part is when Rachel can't see the freaking numbers on her clock. I hope you liked it. What do you think?

– Arty


	2. December

Oh man. I thought I was done with this story, but then I started thinking. And then I started writing. HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE. ENJOY. ESPECIALLY YOU, PHENON. I KNOW YOU'LL LOVE IT.

= = = ... = = =

There is a poster in Fanny's room that will forever be crooked. Fanny abandons her mandolin and her amp to attempt to correct it. When she steps back, she sighs. She has overcorrected the angle of the poster and now, instead of leaning to the right, it leans to the left.

Oh well. Fanny picks her mandolin up again and makes as if to strum.

"Hey!"

_P-Taang!_ Fanny almost snaps a string. She turns to the doorway to see Rachel, who wears a predatory grin.

"Hey, Fanny."

"Uh…hi."

"Guess what time it is?"

Fanny's eyes light up. "Is it…time for _that_?"

"What?" Rachel frowns. "No, not_ that_. But if you want," her gaze turns murderous. "I can look up 'Rainbow Factory' again."

"NO!"

"_You have beautiful eyes_-Oof," Rachel gets a face full of rainbow monkey plushie. "Okay, okay. Calm down!"

Fanny hugs an orange and purple rainbow monkey. "I can't believe…you monster…"

"Gosh, you're such a baby," Rachel rolls her eyes. "Moving on. Today is the premiere of the new 'Doctor Time and Space in the Continuums' Christmas Special, and we are going to watch it."

Fanny looks as though Rachel has just suggested they streak naked through the town. "I'd rather not."

"Hey, I watched that rainbow monkey movie with you."

"Oh, ya actually remember that?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Y' showed up totally plastered an' ya flicked popcorn at all the other kids the entire time! And then, you passed out."

"Oh," Rachel pauses as she thinks. "Oh yeah! So my brother _was_ right: I _did_ steal the rest of his soda."

At the mention of Harvey, Fanny turns red. Rachel does too. Fanny turns away.

"Tch, your brother an' his stupid soda."

"It wasn't his fault. We were the ones who stole his soda that one time."

"I told you!" Fanny stood up and put her hands on her hips. "I told you it was a bad idea. And ya didn't listen t'me. And now…and now!"

"Are we really having this conversation again? We stole his soda. He was angry. And how was he supposed to know you were over?"

"That's not the problem. The problem was my missing shirt! The problem was your missing shirt! The problem was this…whole…uh," Fanny does this motion with her hands that makes Rachel flush. She claps her hands over her ears.

"Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up! Oh my gosh, Fanny, you need to shut your mouth right now."

They stare at each other, terrified. Rachel lowers her hands as Fanny pushes past her into the hallway.

"I need to get something."

"Yeah," Rachel goes to the television. "I'll bring up the Doctor Time and Space marathon."

Fanny walks in a few minutes later with several bags. She drops one next to Rachel, who sits on the carpet at the foot of Fanny's bed. Rachel reaches into it and pulls out a six-pack of ginger ale.

"Ginger ale, what?" She pulls out more six-packs. "Irish cream soda? Root beer? Come on, Fanny. You don't need hard soda to enjoy Dr. Time and Space."

"Correction; I do. I always do."

"…You're playing the game."

"Yes! And so are you."

"No way!"

"Way," Fanny shoves a can into Rachel's hand. "I'm not doin' this m'self. Now, rules."

"I'm not playing this."

"They run, you take a shot."

"This is ridiculous."

"Someone dies, you take a shot."

"People don't die _that_ often."

Fanny gives Rachel a dubious look. Rachel sighs.

"Whatever, I'll play your stupid game. Hush, the episode's starting."

_**Two Episodes Later…**_

"Dammit, Fanny," Rachel wipes her red nose and shakes the soda can. It's empty, so she reaches for another one. "We haven't…we haven't even gotten to the special yet and…uh. How…how the heck am I s'pposed to watch it now?"

Fanny tries to put empty cans and bottles into the bag. She keeps missing. "I…I don't, uh. It's not my problem."

"We shoun't-should haven't, uhm. It was wrong to count the nameless people."

"As what? Runners or die-ers?"

"As both! Especially as die-ers!"

Fanny giggles. "Wassa matter? Can't handle your soda, Rach?"

"Shut your face."

"Haha!" Fanny drops the bag and stretches out over the carpet. "Mmm. I'm surprised we c'n still count, actually."

"How…how are you still, uh," Rachel squints. "It's like you're still sober."

"Sober? Really?"

"Ugh, more sober than I am, anyway. How?"

"I'm really not though. At least, I like to act sober when I think I'm not plastered yet. Does that make sense?"

"But you drank the same as I did. How…"

"Zero's glasses, Rachel. I don't define sober and drunk the same way you do. It's, uh," Fanny pinches the bridge of her nose. "Okay. What's your limit? What amount gets you drunk?"

"Three cans. I think."

"Exactly. I don't think by the can. I think by the six-pack."

Rachel stares. "Oh my gosh."

"Yeah."

"What the heck!"

"Look at me. _Look at me._ Are you really surprised?"

"…I guess not." Rachel slides onto the floor next to Fanny. The marathon blares on, ignored, above them. "I'm sleepy."

"Hmm."

An _"exterminate!"_ comes from the television. Fanny gasps when Rachel drapes an arm over her waist.

"Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"…This," Fanny gestures to Rachel's arm. Rachel just hums and buries her cheek into Fanny's shoulder. "Whatever this is."

"But…we do this, uh…all the time and…and you never complained before."

"I know, but…"

"Wust the problem? You don't like it?"

"I don't know."

"So you like it."

"I don't know! Rachel!"

"Fanny!"

"Gah, you're so, urgh."

"Why are you worried? I mean, uh, we don't think of each other that way…"

Fanny cracks open a can of soda.

"…And I don't even know if you're my type, so…"

"So what would make me your type? Should I shave off all my hair? Change my accent?"

"Whoa," Rachel's eyes widen and she pulls away. "What in the world?"

"Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry, Rach."

"Where the heck is this coming from?"

"I don't know. I really don't know."

Rachel stares at Fanny for a long time. "I _am_ getting over him, you know."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I'm making excel-uh, exen…good progress."

"Alright, alright. I believe you."

Rachel's look turns to one of concern. "Wanna talk about it?"

"Talk about what? There's nothing to talk about. _Good progress,_ remember?"

"Not that, I mean, you're mad at _something_."

"Forget about it."

Rachel's eyes narrow. "Is it because of my brother?"

"Rachel-"

"So what if he saw…whatever it was he saw! So what?"

Fanny buries her reddened face in her hands.

"Who cares what he thinks? You're friends with me, not with him."

Silence. On the television screen, Doctor Time harnesses the power of lightning. Fanny looks up and sees Rachel looking far too wise to be an inebriated girl.

"Right," Fanny says. "You're right. I'm overreacting."

"Yeah," Rachel smiles. "Yeah?"

"Ha ha, yeah."

"I really did like spending the night with you though."

"…What?"

Rachel's eyes widen. "I meant plantic-platic-platonically. Platonically everything about that. Oh shoot," Rachel sits up and forces her attention back on the television.

"So, this laser screwdriver," Fanny begins.

"Sonic."

"Yeah, whatever. What does it do, exactly?"

"It, uh," Rachel's face screws up. "It does anything really. It fixes stuff and it analyzes stuff. Anything the Doctor wants it to do."

"That's so broken."

"What? No it isn't."

"It is so totally broken. It fixes things. It reveals secrets. It fools machinery into doing whatever the guy wants – that's so _broken_."

"He doesn't use it as a weapon. And it doesn't work on wood."

"Oh yeah, those are such big weaknesses."

"No, be quiet." Rachel holds up a hand and Fanny snickers. "Not another word."

Fanny grins. "Why is that lady, the one who travels with him, why is she such an idiot?"

Rachel groans.

_**Thirty Minutes Later…**_

Rachel tosses two freshly emptied cans at the bin and misses. She buries her face in her hands. "Zero's pinkies, they just keep on dying, don't they?"

Fanny laughs and tosses her cans too. Only one makes it into the bin. "Yeh never noticed before?"

"No! I mean, I never, uh, never kept tally like this," Rachel gets up and manages one step before she falls onto her side. "Oof!"

"Oh Rachel. You're so graceful."

"Ahh! Fanny, if I don't make it to the toilet, I am going right here in your room."

"No," Fanny whispers, her eyes wide. "Don't you _dare!_"

"Then help me!"

"Ragh!"

"Waah!"

Fanny hooks her fingers into Rachel's belt and pulls her off the floor. Rachel scrambles to her feet, but before she can take a step, Fanny throws open the door and half-drags her to the nearest bathroom. Rachel looks around and bumps into the tub.

"Oh gosh, where's the toilet?"

"It's…uhm," Fanny's mind snags as she watches Rachel fumble with her belt buckle. "It's right there!" She points, then slams the door shut. Fanny sighs and leans against the door. She buries her face in her hands.

"Fanny?"

Fanny raises her head and sees her brother, Paddy. He looks up at her through the stair railing.

"Yeah?"

"Dad says it's time for dinner."

"Oh," Fanny turns to the bathroom door.

"He says Rachel can eat with us."

"Oh."

"He says she can sleep over too."

"Oh. Wait, what?"

Fanny leans over the stair railing, but Paddy's already gone. The bathroom door opens and Rachel stumbles out.

"I think…I just washed my hands with your toothpaste," Rachel says. "I…my hands are minty now."

"Yeah, well. Dinner's ready. Come on."

They sit at the table, all five of them: Rachel, Fanny, Paddy, Shaunie and Mister Boss. Halfway into his mashed potatoes, Mister Boss clears his throat.

"So, Rachel."

"Uh, yes?"

"How is school?"

"It's going very well, sir." Rachel's voice slips into professional mode. It's usually very effective, but this time it's not, as there is a slur to Rachel's consonants. Fanny bites her lip and tries not to laugh.

"Keeping up with everything?"

"Yes sir."

"Even PE?"

"PE? I don't take PE. Do I?" Rachel frowns and Fanny bows her head to hide her grin. Paddy frowns at his sister.

"I think. Yeah. I do take PE."

Mister Boss frowns too. "You're not skipping class, are you?"

"Gosh, I hope not. That would be so bad." Rachel looks at Fanny and starts giggling. It's infectious. A smile tugs at the corners of Fanny's mouth and she snickers. Paddy and Shaunie shoot confused looks at each other and Mister Boss's says,

"What is so funny?"

They start laughing. Rachel drops her fork in order to slap her hands on the table. Fanny bites her thumb and the boys stare in wonder, only while Paddy is staring at the girls, Shaunie is staring at his father as if gauging the danger level of a rabid dog.

"If the two of you are going to laugh instead of eat, then you can do that upstairs," Mister Boss yells.

Fanny falls out of her chair and Rachel laughs harder.

"Now!"

Rachel pulls Fanny up and they scamper up the stairs. The door barely closes before they both trip over cans and sprawl in a heap on the floor.

"I am so sorry, Fanny," Rachel says with tears in her eyes. "I-hah! I got…I got you in trouble with your dad."

"Nah," Fanny rolls onto her back and kicks one of the cans away. "He'll cool down, but my tv's probably going away for a month or so."

"Then we should probably take advantage of it," Rachel says. But the both of them don't move from the floor and the television, still on from earlier, plays the episode where Doctor Time's nemesis brainwashes all the humans on the planet. Fanny reaches across the carpet and her fingers brush against Rachel's side. Her pointer finger snags the hem of her shirt.

"Sup?" Rachel whispers. Fanny's hold tightens.

"Patton asked me out. The other day, I mean. He asked."

The silence is deafening. Rachel tenses and rolls away, taking her shirt hem with her.

"What did you tell him?"

"It's flattering, I guess."

"So, 'yes?'"

"But I don't really know the guy."

"So you said 'no?'"

"Didn't you have a thing with him? Before…before."

"Are you asking for my permission?" Rachel bows her head so her hair covers her face. She twists her hands in her lap. She gives a shuddery sigh when Fanny doesn't say anything. "There's nothing for you to worry about," she whispers. "He's a good guy. We're good friends."

Fanny doesn't get a chance to say anything, because Rachel scoots away and picks up a can of soda. She opens it up and chugs down half the contents. Suddenly, Fanny regrets bringing all the soda in.

"If," she says. "If I said 'yes,' would you be happy for us?"

Rachel shrugs. "Patton's my friend. You're my friend. Why shouldn't I be?"

"That doesn't answer my question."

"You didn't answer mine. What did you tell him?"

Fanny sits up, gaping. "Why are you mad?"

"Stop changing the subject. What'd you tell him?"

"I turned him down," Fanny says. Rachel does a double take.

"Why'd you do that?"

"Do I really need a reason? What if I'm not looking for someone like him?"

"So what are you looking for?"

"I don't know."

"How do you know if he's wrong unless you try him?"

"How did _you_ know? He said he asked you before and you said 'no' too. Why are you interrogating me? I could ask you these same questions."

Rachel looks away. "The timing was off. He asked me back then and back then, well…" she trails off and finishes her soda. "I was preoccupied. Now it's too late. No one wants to be plan b, you know?"

"Yeah." Fanny sighs and sits next to Rachel on the floor.

"I wouldn't be happy for you if you said 'yes.' I'd try, but when I think about it, I think…I _don't_ think, I'd be very happy at all."

"Why not?"

"I don't know. I don't know, Fanny. I just, I don't," Rachel fumbles a little. "I don't want to think about it."

"What, would Patton and I make that hideous a couple?"

"Hah, no, it's not that. It's, um," a grimace flashes over Rachel's face. "I can't explain it. I just know that it's confusing."

"I see."

"No, you don't."

"No, I don't," Fanny smiles. "Fine. I'll lay off." She leans back and rests her weight on heels of her palms. She looks up and watches the show, even though she has no idea what's going on or how the Doctor can isolate a lethal amount of radiation into a left shoe.

_**One Episode Later…**_

Fanny wakes up, still on the floor, to find Rachel fast asleep and wound around her legs like a koala on a tree branch. The credits are rolling up the television screen and there's a message scrawled over her forearm in marker that reads:

_If you don't go to sleep now, Dad'll take your T.V. for 2 months instead of 1. _

_-Paddy around 9:30 _

Fanny checks the clock. It's nine forty-five, and Fanny sighs. She'll worry about her brothers sneaking into her room later. As warm as the carpet is, it's still the floor and the last time Fanny crashed on the floor, she woke up with bruises.

"Rach," Fanny sits up and nudges the blonde's shoulder. "Wake up."

"Mmm."

"Rachel, Zero help me, if you don't wake up right now, I will smother you with Super Sumo Slamdown."

"No," Rachel mumbles in her sleep. "You eat that sandwich."

"Gah, get up!" Fanny takes a deep breath and blows in Rachel's ear.

"Ah," Rachel's eyes snap open and she scrambles away. "Ahh!"

"Thank you," Fanny gets up and switches the television off, then flops onto the bed. It's too late, however. There's already an ache in her left shoulder blade. No doubt she'll be waking up with a new bruise in the morning. She crawls under the covers and turns to Rachel, who watches from the side of the bed with her hand still over her ear.

"Well, what are you waiting for?"

Rachel's eyes go to the rainbow monkeys on the bed. Fanny lowers them, one by one, to the floor. Rachel yawns as she slides into bed next to Fanny.

"You're such a girly-girl."

"One of us has to be a girly-girl," Fanny gives Rachel a look of mock disapproval. "It sure ain't gonna be you."

"I could be girly."

"You could. Doesn't mean you _would_."

"True. Maybe I would if the right person asked?"

"What if I asked?"

Instead of answering, Rachel drapes her arm over Fanny's hip and lets her chin roll into her shoulder. Fanny shakes her head and reaches for the lamp on the bedside table. She turns the light out.

_= = = THE END. AGAIN. = = = _

Exercise in writing dialogue in present tense. I like it. I think I'll do it more often.

I also think this is turning into a holiday special fic. I like this too.

I had no idea where this story was going when I started, but with the way it turned out, I can't complain. Like, I really can't complain. Does this story please you?

- Arty


	3. New Year's Eve

Hey everyone! All you lurkers and reviewers and readers. All you beautiful people, you. No AN at the end because that would look weird for this chapter. Thank you for your patience. I am continuing this story until I cover most of the holidays, but I don't think I'm gonna cover government holidays. So yeah. Enjoy this chapter. Please tell me what you think in a review. Oh, and happy (belated) new year!

- Arty

= = = … = = =

"Happy New Year," Fanny says to the wife of one of her father's lawyers. The woman gives Fanny a small smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes before she sweeps right past her. Fanny takes a sip of apple cider and watches, over the brim of her glass, as the woman takes the arm of one of the caterers and pulls him into one of the many unused rooms off the hallway.

"…Bloody tart."

The party isn't held in the Fulbright home this year, which is all well and good, because Fanny dislikes playing host. The only downside is that the top company lawyer is hosting and his house is so much _bigger_ than her father's. Mr. Fulbright is sure to grumble about how much of a "show-off" his lawyer is for up to an hour after the party is over, but Fanny isn't complaining at all. It's probably because everyone looks so nice. The men are wearing their finest suits and the women are wearing the latest dresses. Even the children, including her rowdy brothers, have been wrestled into skirts and slacks.

Fanny sets her glass down next to the sink and wanders into the receiving room in time to see one of the help open the front door to reveal the McKenzies.

"Robert!" the top lawyer rushes forward and takes Mr. McKenzie's hand. "You made it! Jeff," he shouts in the direction of the parlor. "Jeff, this is him! This is the new guy."

"Oh?" Fanny's father appears in the smoky doorway. "Well get him in here!"

"Thank you for inviting my family," Mr. McKenzie says as the lawyer claps him on the shoulder. He looks how Fanny imagines Rachel would be if she were male: tall and thin, with cropped sandy colored hair, only his unsure grin looks out of place on his face. The lawyer roars with laughter.

"You're one of us now, Robert," the lawyer steers him into the parlor. "A master of the universe. We'll get you dressing the part too sometime, eh?" The rest is lost as the parlor door clicks shut behind them.

"Harvey!"

Fanny steps to the side as her brothers skid into the room. They're followed by three dogs, all barking.

"C'mon!"

Harvey's face lights up and suddenly the boys are laughing and the dogs are barking and they are running and sounding as if there is a small storm passing over the house. Mrs. McKenzie is swept away into the living room by the ladies of the party not unlike how her husband was, leaving Rachel to stand there in her slacks and buttoned shirt. Rachel catches Fanny's eye and grins.

"Hey," Rachel says. Fanny can't help but smile in return.

"Hey y'self," she takes Rachel's arm and, before she can stop herself, "Y'look handsome tonight."

"Oh, you approve of this? Here I thought you'd be mad I wasn't wearing a dress."

"Yeah, well," Fanny reaches up and smoothes down Rachel's collar. "I'd be mad if yeh wore a tie."

"Heh," Rachel grins, looking a lot like her father did a moment ago. "Ties are evil."

"Oh." Fanny's mother turns the corner and stops at the sight of them. Too late, Fanny drops Rachel's arm and pulls away. "Fanny," she says. Her smile doesn't go high enough to be real. "Has Rachel eaten yet?"

"Not yet," Fanny says.

"Then go get some food in her," she passes them and turns into the kitchen. The two girls go into the dining room, where there are several kids their age. The table has nothing but tray after tray of finger foods on it. Rachel tries, and fails, to not cringe and Fanny sighs.

"It's okay," Rachel says. "We ate dinner before we came here."

"We did too. Some soda then?"

"Aww, Fanny," Rachel's cringe worsens. "I promised my dad no soda tonight."

"What? Why?"

"Because he heard what happened during the Doctor Time marathon. That and it means a lot to him that we make a good impression this time around."

"Alright, yeh party pooper. I'm still glad yer here, though. 'T'was so borin' without you!"

"What about Abby and them? Aren't they here too?"

"Their parents are here, sure," Fanny rolls her eyes. "But Sector V snuck out for some TND mission or something."

Rachel sighs. "At least some of us are still running missions."

"Not you," Fanny taps the left side of Rachel's chest, under her collarbone. "Not anymore. Who knows what else we'll need to put in ya t'keep you goin'?"

"And you need me around to put up with you, I get it," Rachel's voice lowers to a whisper as she ticks her head towards the girls on the other side of the room. "What about them? Did you hang out with them?" As if on cue, the girls pause and stare at them. "Oops."

Fanny laughs and pulls Rachel out into the hall. "Feckin' ay, Rach! Are yeh tryin' t'get into a scrap?"

"I swear I was being discrete. Why aren't they cool?"

"Half their conversation is darin' each other t'eat something. I bet money they'll dare each other t'chuck it up if they do eat."

"Wow," Rachel offers her arm and Fanny takes it without a second thought and the two of them begin to wander through the house. "And the other half?"

"The other half is spent trying to define what the hell a half virgin is."

"Wait, what is that? Is that really a thing?"

"I've no idea."

"Maybe they've figured it out by now. Let's go ask them," Rachel makes as if to turn around, but Fanny pulls her back.

"No! I don't want t'find out."

"It'll take two minutes."

"No way."

"Okay, okay!" Rachel laughs. "I'm just teasing." She slows to a halt at the end of the hall, where it splits into four other doors. "Geeze, this house is big."

"I know, right? I've only been here twice before and I always get lost."

Rachel's eyes light up. "Let's get lost!"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Let's explore this place. It looks old too; maybe there's secret passages and stuff."

"…Uh huh. I don't think it's that kind of house, Rach."

Rachel opens the door to the left to reveal one of the young caterers…and the wife of the top lawyer.

"Ah!"

"Ah!"

"Get out!" The caterer throws a pile of napkins at them and Rachel squeaks and shuts the door with a snap.

"I need…bleach," Fanny covers her eyes. "For my eyes. And a new brain."

"Seriously. Let's go this way," Rachel opens the door to the right.

"No. Who knows how many other people are doing…that…elsewhere."

"If there are, then we won't run into them. Come on," Rachel takes Fanny's hand and leads her deeper into the house. They go through two doors and go up a flight of stairs before they stumble upon the music room. Instruments of all kinds are displayed in stands around the room. There are even a few wires and amps scattered around.

"Huh," Fanny taps the hi-hat of the drum kit as Rachel runs her hands over the piano keys. "I din't know Daddy's lawyer liked to play music."

"Probably because he doesn't," Rachel tests the piano's middle C. "This piano's out of tune. All the instruments might be out of tune. They're here for decoration."

"Shame," Fanny picks up a mandolin from its stand and dusts it off. She frowns. "There's another piano in the living room too."

"Really?" Rachel sits down on the bench and plays a chord. "Then what the heck is this other piano doing in here?"

"I don't know," Fanny sits down next to Rachel and tunes the mandolin. "Gimme an A?"

"Are those new strings?"

"Yeah, I think so. I'm prolly gonn have ta tune it every five minutes."

"Ugh," Rachel plays an A. "All these instruments, wasting away."

"Let's not think about that," Fanny finishes tuning and strums. "You got your G chord right here, it's like a cozy house where yeh live, that's where yeh start your journey…"

Rachel snickers.

"Here I am in my house all nice and cozy…and then yeh poke your head out the door with a C chord…yeah, everything looks okay out here…"

Rachel bursts out laughing. "Oh my gosh, can we play something else? I won't be able to play with you; I'll be laughing so hard."

"Okay, okay. How about…"

= = = … = = =

"Check this out," Paddy takes out a digital camera and switches it on. "You won't believe this."

"What is it?" Harvey looks at the tiny screen.

"You know how your sister came over to watch Doctor Time and Space?"

"Yeah," Harvey wrinkles his nose. "Why?"

"Look what happened," Paddy holds the camera out. On the screen is Rachel and her arms are wound around Fanny's waist. The both of them are fast asleep. Harvey recoils.

"That is the worst joke!"

"I swear it's real."

"It's a joke, and it's a bad one." Harvey stands up and his hands ball into fists. "It's…" he stammers for a moment. "It's slander! Slander and libel."

"Whoa, calm down. I'm just warning you. If they're totally a thing then we should be okay with it."

"Wha," Harvey looks at the two brothers. "You're okay with this?"

Paddy and Shaunie share a look, then nod.

"It explains a lot," Shaunie says. "We think that if Fanny's happy and distracted, then she'll be less mean to boys. Right?"

"No, not right," Harvey snatches the camera out of Paddy's hands. "They are not a…a _thing_. I'm gonna prove it right now!"

"What?"

"Wait," the brothers run down the hall after Harvey, the dogs yelping at their heels. "They don't know that we know!"

"If they know we know, then they might pummel us!"

"Then our parents will want to know why they puma-pumi-beat us up and then they'll force us to tell them what we know!"

"And then they'll know that we know that they know that they're a thing. Everyone will know and then we'll all get in trouble! That's a big no-no!"

"Wait," little Shaunie slows down and tilts his head. "I forgot who knows what."

"Just help me keep Harvey away from Fanny!"

"…Okay."

= = = … = = =

"…Wait, wait," Fanny stops playing the mandolin. "Who exactly is callin' me a feminist?"

"Only everyone," Rachel says. "What's wrong? Isn't that what you are?"

"Hah, no. Feminists – real ones – believe that women and men are equal an' should be treated equally."

"So…you don't believe that?"

"Feckin' no. I think women are far superior than men. And every day that passes without that fact being acknowledged by all is a black mark on the history of humankind."

Rachel snickers as Fanny scowls.

"Yeh think I'm mad."

"No!" Rachel answers too quickly.

"What did yeh think then?"

"Ah…"

"No lies."

Rachel turns away and mumbles.

"What?"

"I thmnunmmmmm."

"What?"

"I think it's cute, okay? Happy?"

"Cute! Here I am talking about turnin' society on its head and you say it's bleedin' cute? I said no lies!"

"I know," Rachel's ears redden.

"Wars will be fought. People will die."

"It's just – you said 'will.'"

"…And?"

"'Will and not 'would,' like that's actually gonna happen. Like it's gonna happen the way you described."

"I don't have t'listen to this," Fanny pushes off the bench, sets the mandolin in its stand, and bursts through the doors on the other side of the room.

"Fanny," Rachel gets up and goes after her. "I'm sorry. I'd lie and say you're a total bad-ass, but you know how bad I am at lying…to…you. Huh." The door shuts behind her, washing everything in inky darkness. "Oh wow, it's dark. Fanny?"

"I ain't talkin' t'you."

"Please?" Rachel squints and stays put until her eyes adjust to the darkness. Even though she hasn't been a spy in a while, the skills never really go away. "I really am sorry."

"Och, well…"

"I'm totally making a face. You can't see it, but I am."

"Fine. If you find me."

Fanny feels along the wall and her footsteps echo through the room. There are phantom sounds and shuffling and suddenly something's at her elbow. "Ah!"

"Whoa," Rachel's voice comes from somewhere behind and above her ear. "Calm down. It's just me."

"How the feckin' hell…"

"Do you forgive me now? Are we talking?"

"Póg mo thóin."

Fanny feels Rachel shift her weight from one foot to the other.

"You don't mean that, do you?" Worry creeps into Rachel's voice and Fanny pauses. "I mean, okay, I get it. Global female domination means a lot to you. I didn't mean to mock it, but I did. I'm sorry."

Fanny can't see anything. Rachel is right _there_, but for the life of her, Fanny can't even make out the white of Rachel's shirt. So she looks at where she imagines Rachel's face to be, and feels out with her fingertips until she finds Rachel's sleeve.

"Alright. I forgive you."

Rachel breathes out and Fanny can almost hear her smiling. She slips her hand into Fanny's and says, "C'mon. Let's find the light switch."

"This room sounds really big."

"Yeah, and really empty. What do you think it is?"

"A library? It's certainly not the theater."

"Yeah, maybe. Oh," Rachel stops. "I think I found it."

CLICK.

The two girls blink as the lights come on. Fanny's eyes light up and Rachel frowns.

"It's a _ballroom_!" Fanny skips into the middle of the wide room and does a little twirl. She grins and holds her hands out and Rachel sighs and steps out to meet her.

"So," Rachel says. She seems to look everywhere else but at her. "This is a ballroom."

"Yes."

"Why isn't the party held in here?"

"I think it was once. It was one of the times I got lost. I don't really remember," Fanny says. "Are you going to take my hands or not?"

"Uh," Rachel rubs the back of her neck. "I can't dance, Fanny."

"I know. You called that ludicrous drunken shuffle a dance. I'll teach yeh how it's really done."

"I don't know."

"Rachel," Fanny says. "Take my hands." Rachel sighs, then puts her hands in Fanny's. Fanny giggles. "Yeh can fight six grown men with yer bare hands, but yeh can't dance with me?"

"Uh…this is different."

Fanny weighs her hands. "Miss grumpy girl. Lighten up."

"_You_ are telling _me_ to lighten up?"

"Odd, I know. I feel like a hypocrite," Fanny looks down. "Now, here's how yeh do the cha-cha. Step back – like that, then step forward…yeah."

"Gah, I'm gonna step on your feet."

"No yer not," Fanny pauses. "Hmm. Maybe we're going about the wrong way to do this?"

"Where are you going?"

"There's a jukebox over here," Fanny says. She plugs it into the wall, then turns it on. "Ah, here we go."

"Fanny, what are you doing?"

"I'm changing it up. Dumbing it down, as it were."

"Fanny, this is a slow song."

"I know," Fanny holds her hands out again. "This way, you won't have to worry about stepping on my feet."

"Uh…oh gosh."

"Or we can just drop it?"

"But you'll never let me live that down."

"Exactly."

Rachel sticks her hands out. "Teach me how to freaking slow dance already."

"It's pretty simple," Fanny steps up to her and puts her hands on her shoulders. "I'll barely have to do anything."

"Where do I put my hands?"

"Well we can't have all our hands on each other's shoulders. We'd look like ninnies."

Rachel looks strait into Fanny's eyes and rests her hands on Fanny's waist. "And now?"

"Sway and shuffle. You lead."

Rachel is tall. Fanny knows this, but she's never realized it the way she does now with Rachel's collarbones at eye level. Their swaying is out of sync too, and it might be because Rachel isn't leading as well with her hands where they are.

"Is this really okay with you," Rachel asks.

"What do you mean? You said we were friends."

"We are, but…friends don't really dance like this, Fanny." The swaying slows down and Rachel continues. "They don't spend the night with each other like we do. They don't."

"Then…are we not friends?"

"We are, we are! I mean, you are my friend; the closest friend I have, but…I feel…"

Fanny's hands close around Rachel's arms. "Don't say it."

"Say what? You don't know what I'm gonna say."

"Trust me, I do. You don't wanna go there."

"Go where? Why would that be bad? I just wanna tell you that…what the heck?"

Rachel is cut off as the floorboard that she and Fanny are stepping on sinks an inch into the floor. The back panel of the faux fireplace on the other end of the room slides to the side, revealing a gaping hole in the wall. The two girls jump off the floorboard, but it doesn't pop back up.

"Wow," Rachel whispers as she walks to the fireplace. She looks as though she has cracked the safe at the villains' bank. "I should have bet you money."

"Are yeh…wait, no!" Fanny takes Rachel's sleeve. "Don't go in there!"

"Why not? This is great!"

"What if we really get lost?"

"You do have a cell phone, right?"

Fanny nods.

"Then let's go," Rachel steps into the secret passage and looks back. "Are you coming?"

"Er, I'm wearin' a skirt."

"That's never stopped you before," Rachel holds out a hand. "Come on."

Fanny hesitates, then takes her hand and walks into the passageway. A minute after the girls disappear, the panel slides back into place.

= = = … = = =

"Aha!" Harvey throws open the doors to the music room, only to see that it's empty. "Wha…where'd they go?"

"Harvey, dude. Slow down." Paddy jogs in after him, holding a stitch in his side. Shaunie runs through the music room with the dogs, toppling over the high hat and an acoustic guitar. The lot of them go through the doors into the ballroom.

"I don't understand," Harvey says as he sits on the piano bench. "The music…"

"In here," Shaunie yells. The other two boys open the ballroom doors to see him doing the twist as the jukebox plays an old rock song. The dogs skitter around him, barking, with their claws clicking against the floor.

"Hah! Cool! We could totally hang out in here," Paddy takes out an airsoft handgun, aims and neatly shoots one of the jukebox's buttons to change the song.

"No, we need to find our sisters," Harvey groans and flops onto the floor. "Ugh, this is just like Numbuh One all over again!"

"Haha, what?" Paddy crouches down next to Harvey, but not too close. "You mean Uno and your sister? They were never a thing…right?"

"And then there was whole deal with Numbuh 60…"

"Uh…"

"And also with 274…"

"Wow, either you're pretty paranoid, or…"

Harvey sits up. "Or what?"

"Or…" Paddy slows down as he chooses his words. "Or what you're hinting at…is true?"

"Ragh!" Harvey swipes at Paddy face. "MY SISTER IS NOT A HO."

"Zero's bogeys," Paddy leaps away from Harvey's scratches. The dogs bark and Shaunie watches with his jaw hanging. "That was all you! I was just asking a question."

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW."

"Okay, okay! She's not a ho. Calm down." The two boys sit on the floor for a moment, disheveled and out of breath. Then Paddy stands and brushes himself off. "But still. All those guys and they weren't the right one for your sister. If she's happy with Fanny then you should be all up for it."

"You don't understand."

"I don't understand?" Paddy looks at Shaunie, who shrugs. "Hmm. Well, I guess if they did date and then broke up, then it would ruin their friendship. And then Fanny would become more terrible than before. But if it works out, then everything is solved!"

"Exactly!"

"Huh?"

"If our sisters really like each other, then they'll be together _forever_. They'll get married and junk."

"Wait," Paddy frowns. "You don't think Fanny's good enough for your sister!"

Harvey pales and Shaunie gasps.

"But it's perfect. They're like princesses and princes at the same time. They can take turns being the prince and the princess and save each other when there's trouble."

Paddy barely glances at his brother. "Admit it. You think Fanny's no good."

"But you're always complaining about her!" Harvey's eyes shift from one brother to the other. "Both of you!"

"Yeah, but she's our sister. We're supposed to be mean to each other," Paddy says. Shaunie nods. "But you're not allowed, 'cause you're not family."

Harvey raises his hands as Paddy raises his airsoft gun.

"GET HIM!"

"GET HIM!"

"AAH!"

BARKBARKBARKBARKBARK

= = = … = = =

Rachel sniffles as she towel dries her hair. She and Fanny are wrapped in fluffy robes as they sit on folding chairs in the laundry room and on the fold-up table between them are the contents of Fanny's bag, which are being dried by a hair dryer. Next to them, the dryer rumbles. Fanny's clothes hang from the drying line behind her and Fanny herself hasn't looked this mad since that one time Paddy strapped one of her rainbow monkeys to a bottle rocket.

"Go into the tunnel, she said…"

"Fanny…"

"…It'll be fine, she said…"

"…I'm really sorry."

"…It's not like the floor'll dissolve under our feet and toss us into the _bloody indoor pool_!"

Rachel cringes. "Alright, so maybe the secret passage thing wasn't such a good idea."

"Really? We put a bloomin' hole in their ceiling and trashed their pool! We are going to be in so much trouble."

"Don't remind me. Maybe they won't notice."

"Uh huh," Fanny shuts off the hair dryer and presses a button on her cell phone.

"If we don't say anything, they won't know it was us."

"That sounds like lying," Fanny sighs in relief as the cell phone screen lights up. "And we all know how you are about that."

"Ah," Rachel held up a hand. "But I don't lie when I don't talk."

"Is this a loophole? You're telling me your loophole. Your version of lying is just to not say anything."

"I couldn't be a spy if I couldn't keep secrets."

"That is the lamest loophole…"

"Hey, it works!"

"…That I have ever heard. Fine, if you think it'll work, then that's what we'll do," Fanny stands on her chair and feels the hem of her skirt. "It's not like they don't have the money t'fix any of it anyway."

"Exactly."

"Close yer eyes," Fanny hops off the chair with her clothes in hand.

"Whatever," Rachel puts her hands over her eyes. "Fanny?"

"Yeah?"

"I haven't forgotten what we were talking about while we were dancing."

"This might not be the best time fer that, you know."

"I don't care. This is important. Haven't you thought about it? You must've thought of it too."

When Fanny doesn't answer, silence settles over the room.

BEEP, BEEP. The dryer finishes with the clothes and Rachel drops her hands from her eyes to find herself alone in the laundry room.

= = = … = = =

Fanny paces up and down the hall, fully dressed and completely unaware of how frizzy her hair is becoming. Eventually, she sinks to the floor and buries her face in her hands. "Ugh! What is going on? What do I do?

"RUN!"

"Huh?"

From around the corner come Paddy, Shaunie, Harvey and a bunch of dogs. They are soaked and they trail water everwhere. One of the dogs slips on the wood floor and bumps into the wall.

"What have you done?"

"Fanny," Harvey shouts. "I need to ask you about my sister!"

"Aw hell," Fanny turns and runs. She leads them down two hallways before she throws open a pair of double doors and sees the gathering of ladies and mothers from before. "No way."

It happens very slowly. Every face in the room turns towards her, curious and judging, and then the dogs and the boys barrel into her in a heap. They tumble a few feet into the room, splitting one of the legs of a coffee table in two and sending a few teacups into the air and onto the floor, where they crack into an impossible amount of tiny pieces. Some women, including Betty Gilligan, gasp. Others scream and step out of the way of the debris. Genki Sanban simply raises her brows and moves a fraction of an inch to dodge a fragment of a saucer.

"Ugh," Fanny sits up and holds her head. "What is your problem? Why are you _wet_?"

"We fell into a pool," Paddy says. A bruise darkens below his eye. "Awesome, but that's not important. We need to get you away from Harvey."

"Why?"

"You blitherin' little savages," Fanny's mother pinches her sons' ears and hauls them up. "Look what you've done!"

"What's wrong?" the lawyer and the other men appear in the doorway. "What happened?"

"Apologies. Our sons just broke your table. We'll help replace it."

Mr. Boss coughs. "Oh, I don't think that's necessary…

"We'll pay. I insist…"

Fanny picks herself up and brushes herself off. She looks through the crowd and spots Rachel hiding among the men. Rachel signals her to be quiet and to make her way to the other side of the room.

"It's really not needed," the lawyer says to Fanny's mother. "It's a new year! We don't need to start it off with something bad."

Mr. McKenzie, looking very solemn, takes Harvey to the side. "I'm very disappointed in you, Harvey."

"It wasn't my fault! They…"

"Keep your voice down. I don't care what they did. All I asked for tonight was that you didn't make any trouble. Just one night, Harvey…"

Fanny makes it to the back of the crowd and joins Rachel, who looks her over. Instead of saying anything, she just nods and leads her to the other door.

"See?" Mr. Boss says. "The man can pay for his own table!"

"It's the principle of the thing," Fanny's mother says. She lets go of Paddy's and Shaunie's ears. "We must take responsibility."

"But Dad," Harvey says. "I need to ask…"

"That can wait until later."

"Perhaps the boys are just cranky," the lawyer gives a forced smile. "It is late after all. They can nap in one of the guest rooms."

"I've half a mind to just take them home now."

"But it's really important!" Harvey worms out of Mr. McKenzie's grasp and stomps his foot. "I need to ask it now!"

Mrs. McKenzie hurries over to them before her husband can lose his temper. "What is it, Harvey? What's wrong?"

"Honey, don't indulge him."

"He's our son, dear. If we won't listen to him, then who will? What is it, sweetie?"

"Paddy said that Rachel and Fanny were in love with each other!"

Everyone in the room freezes, then turns to Rachel and Fanny, who are about to go through the other door. Before anyone can say anything, Rachel opens the door and ushers Fanny outside. It's so silent that everyone can hear the click of the door as it shuts behind the two girls.

Fanny hugs herself as she follows Rachel through the house. The living room erupts into chaos behind them and Rachel quickens her pace through the house. Fanny has to jog in order to keep up with Rachel's long stride. They take a new route through the house and end up on the balcony over the five car garage.

Rachel keeps the balcony door closed, the blinds drawn, and the lights off. It's cold. Fanny draws her coat closer around herself and wonders how Rachel can just lean against the railing in just her shirt and slacks. After a minute of just staring at the street, Rachel sighs.

"This is such a mess."

"Why did we run," Fanny asks. "We should have stayed. Stayed and told them all that were weren't in love."

"Yeah. But I'm a horrible liar. Besides, I've been trained to retreat when I get caught. Habits die hard."

"Rach, this is no time for jokes! Your brother basically outed us to everyone!"

"I always thought he had no tact whatsoever, but that was ridiculous even for him." Rachel's brow furrows and she begins drumming her fingers on the railing.

"You're not sure," Fanny says. "You're not sure how you feel."

"Hmm…how do you know that?"

"Because you're in Supreme Leader mode. When you like that your feelings come last."

"Fine, you're right. I don't know. How the heck am I supposed to know anyway? Is this even possible?"

"Yeah, it's possible."

"Oh, so you know all the answers, huh?"

"Yeah. I know. I know what choices there are to make. I know all the consequences. That's why I'm so sure."

"You left me in the laundry room. Is that what you want?"

"Yes! Wait, no!"

"Can you make up your mind?"

The two girls stare each other down.

"Ugh," Fanny groans into her hands. "I had a feckin' plan. It was going so smoothly until ya mucked it up."

"I didn't know you had this master plan. How did I mess it up?"

"It's a long story."

"Well, we have the rest of the night…if they don't find us."

"…You know how I feel."

"I do. That's why I'm so confused. I thought…I thought you would…"

"I ain't stupid, you know," Fanny continues when Rachel falters. "I know guys hate me. I know girls hate me too. 19th Century doesn't count. He doesn't know I exist. You were the closest…" Fanny stops and shakes her head. "I thought you were straight and that you'd never change. So if nobody would and if you wouldn't, then there'd be no one. The master plan was to be okay with that."

"You're serious? That was your plan."

"Yes! The sooner I did that, the sooner I could move on to other things."

"Fanny, that's awful."

"It's _true_. And you're not helping. You're still not sure of how you feel. What if yer just curious?"

"But…"

"Don't interrupt. You weren't supposed to feel…whatever the feck it is you feel now. That opens up a whole new can of worms. If we try and it turns out you're not…yehknow…then it's all buggered and we can't salvage anything. If yeh are and we try and it doesn't work, then it's still buggered and unsalvageable."

"But what if I am and we try and it's awesome?"

"The chances of that…" Fanny stammers. "Then that would be…wow, a lot of things are happening tonight."

"Yeah, half the time I feel pretty lightheaded," Rachel says. "Okay, I'm pretty sure about all this. But at the same time, I'm not. I mean, I've never…liked. A girl. Before. Uhm."

"Yer not helping your case, you know."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you look like your gag reflex is gonna kick in."

"Well, I've never admitted feelings for anyone before. To their face."

"Okay, let's say this works. You know that it will automatically become more dangerous just to _be_ us, right? Our very existence will be threatened."

"I know," Rachel sighs. "I feel like a jerk now. I don't wanna put you in danger."

"It's already dangerous just to hang around you," Fanny smirks. "Clearly."

"You think so? Then we can cross that bridge when we come to it."

"Fine. Hmm," Fanny paused as she thought. "I have an idea."

"What?"

"We do an experiment in," she checks her phone. "Less than three minutes. Wow."

"What experiment? What do we do? What's in three minutes?"

"First, calm down. I figure, if yer so unsure about what you are and how you feel, then we should try something that settles it."

"So. Uh. That would be…"

"A kiss."

"Oh, yeah. One of those."

"And we do it in…two minutes. Because if I'm gonna get a feckin' kiss then I might as well get one at midnight. Think of it as the signal."

"Okay. Oh geeze."

"If it feels right, then everything's good. If you totally freak out, then I get to say 'I told you so' and…well, no harm done, I guess. We can still be friends after a kiss, right?"

"Maybe this is a bad idea."

Fanny rolls her eyes.

"No! It's not like that. I just don't wanna ruin our friendship."

"Oh, now you're reluctant? Where was all this in the laundry room and the ballroom?"

"What if I don't want our first kiss to be an experiment?"

"What if you need to stop being a big baby and just kiss me so we can settle this once and for all?"

"Urgh!"

"Can you make up your mind soon? We're kind of running out of time here."

"How can you be so calm about this?"

"I'd be freakin' out too, but I'm more worried about you upchuckin' all over the place."

"I won't get sick! Okay," Rachel mutters to herself. "Okay, okay, okay. Alright. How do we do this?"

"I set the alarm on my phone," Fanny holds up her phone. "So it'll countdown and beep. Stuff like that. We got less than a minute."

"Convenient."

"Quite. Wanna bet money?"

"Wh-I'm not betting money on this! Are you crazy?"

"No, just really, really skeptical. And I need to distract myself so I don't start giggling like a bloomin' idiot." Fanny shrugs. "I've thought about this a lot."

"Really?"

"Yeah, well, not exactly like this. This is…bizarre."

"Huh. Knowing you, you imagined it to happen at a shooting range."

"On horseback, actually," Fanny pauses. "Shut up, I'm allowed to imagine things!"

Rachel tries and fails to stifle a giggle. "I didn't say anything!"

TEN

"Oh," Fanny checks her phone as Rachel trips and almost falls. "That was quick."

NINE

"Uh, so…I just stand here?"

EIGHT

"Yeah, it's no big deal, okay?"

SEVEN

"It's a big deal to me!"

SIX

"I can tell. Don't spew in my face."

FIVE

"Okay." Rachel wipes her hands on her slacks.

FOUR

Fanny uncaps a tube of lipgloss and carefully applies it.

THREE

TWO

ONE

= = = … = = =

It is as silent as a tomb in the car. Mr. McKenzie and his wife sit in the front, looking as if someone died. Harvey glowers in his seat, because he is grounded for a month. Rachel, on the other hand, seems oblivious to the mood in the car. She's smiling like an idiot and there's lip gloss smeared on her lips.

It's pink.


	4. New Year's Day

Hey. Hey, you! Get your gorgeous face over here so I can tell you a story.

You got some nice eyes.

Anyways, I hope you like this chapter. I proofed it a couple times, but it's really late, so I might have missed a few things. Please let me know if you find any errors. Please also let me know if you like this story! Tell me what's your favorite part, or what's not your favorite part. Oh, and I should warn you, Fanny's mother's religion rears its head in this chapter. It was only a matter of time, really.

Enjoy!

- Arty

_= = = … = = =_

Rachel sits at the kitchen table, disheveled and still in her sleeping clothes, which are a pair of worn shorts and an oversized t-shirt with the words _Bad Wolf_ ironed onto the front. Rachel takes a bite of jam and toast and picks a quarter up with two fingers. While chewing, she rolls the coin over her knuckles and then does a standard trick. She holds the coin lightly between the tips of her fingers, then she swipes over it with her other hand as if to pick it up, but really lets the coin drop into the first hand and just pretends that the coin is really in the second.

Sleight of hand is a good skill to have as a spy, not just to pickpocket marks, but also to learn how to use misdirection. Rachel once had to hide a usb stick in her training bra, and made all the teen ninjas chasing her believe that it was in the purse she snatched from another KND spy (the best cons require a team of two or more after all).

Of course she hasn't had to use these skills in a long time. A moment after she finishes the trick, her mother smirks and says,

"It's still in your right hand."

And Rachel sighs and puts the coin down on the table. "Thanks, Mom…"

"Rachel," her mother leans forward and steeples her fingers. "We need to talk."

"O-kaaay," Rachel cringes and pushes away from the table. "If this is about Fanny, then no thanks…"

"It's fine that you're dating Fanny."

"…What?"

"It's completely normal. I remember going through a phase in college…"

"Phase?"

"…Until I met your father and realized what I really wanted."

"_Phase?_"

"So I'm not worried about you at all. Sooner or later the right boy will come along to fix you…"

Rachel stares in disbelief.

"…Just don't get too attached to Fanny, alright?" Her mother pats her hand and then stands up and walks away, taking a mug of coffee with her. "Alright. Good talk."

Rachel takes the toast and the coin and rushes out of the kitchen.

"Wait! Where are you going?"

"Out, don't wait up!" Rachel shrugs on a snow jacket and pulls on some sweats and is out the front door.

"Yo, kiddo," her father is in the middle of running maintenance on their car. His hands are smeared with greasy dirt and his breath condenses in the nippy air.

"Hmm," Rachel takes another bite of toast and crosses her arms. "Hey, Dad."

"What's wrong?"

"Mom is…being really condescending," Rachel finishes her toast. "About me and Fanny."

"So what Harvey said at the party was true?"

"Yeah."

"Oh. Groovy," he says as he checks the windshield wipers. The rubber crumbles in his hands. "Ugh. Cut your mother some slack. She means well," her father flicks away the bits of wiper and wipes his hands on a rag. "There was that whole phase she went through in college…"

"Uh," Rachel covers her ears. "La la la la la."

"Heh, sorry. It's just that seeing her all over that other girl made me realize how jealous I was and how much I loved her."

"Ew!" Rachel recoils. "Can you censor yourself? Censor yourself in front of your daughter? Please?"

"Haha. Okay, take it easy. Want to come with me to the autoshop? Winter's grinding our car to a pulp."

"Okay," Rachel slides into the passenger seat and clicks on her seatbelt. "Kinda need to get away for a while anyway." Her father gets in the car and turns the engine before he reaches out and seems to pull a quarter out of Rachel's ear.

"Ta-da!"

"Aw, Dad," Rachel claps a hand over her ear. "I'm not five anymore."

He laughs. "I do that trick better than you do any of yours," he drops the quarter into Rachel's palm and begins to drive. "Why don't you practice with that? You were pretty good at one point."

"I guess," Rachel squeezes the coin tightly between her hands, then blows into them and opens the bottom of her hands slightly to let two quarters drop into her lap with a clink.

"Is that two coins I hear?"

"Yeah, I palmed the other one before I squeezed," Rachel picks up the two coins and rubs them together. "Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Does me being with Fanny bother you?"

"It's surprising. There were those boys you liked after all…"

"Dad," Rachel sinks in her seat as her cheeks color. "Please."

"…So I assumed," he shrugs. "Oh well. People change. As long as you're happy, then I can't complain. Are you happy, Rachel?"

"I am."

"Good," he nods. "But."

"But?"

"But. Please be careful. You need to be careful for me."

"Careful of Fanny?"

"Of other people. The lifestyle you're choosing in being with Fanny isn't widely accepted yet."

The both of them rode on in silence for a moment. Then,

"When is your next date?"

"Next? Uh, we haven't been on a date yet. Kinda just started yesterday?"

"So when is your first date? What are you two doing?"

"I…don't know? Oh geeze, I've never planned a date before."

"Do you plan the date," her father asks as he parks the car. "Who pays?"

"I don't know!"

"If you were dating a boy, I'd tell you that he should be the one to plan the date with your input. And then he should pay for everything," her father frowns as he thinks. "This was not in any of the parenting handbooks."

"Maybe I should talk to Fanny."

"That's an idea. Just give her a call when we get home."

_= = = … = = =_

Rachel sits in her father's study, which is the only private place in the house that has a phone because her father is still in the garage with the car. Every time she picks up the phone and hears the low buzz of the dialtone, she drops it back onto the hook as if it were a piece of broccoli.

"Ugh, what am I doing? Half the teen ninjas are scared of me, so clearly, I'm a bad ass. I'm capable of making a simple phone call. No big deal. So," Rachel picks up the phone and takes a deep breath. "Here goes."

Halfway through dialing, Harvey reaches up from under the desk and presses the switch hook.

"HARVEY!"

"Had to do it," Harvey scrambles away as Rachel slams the phone down and chases him. "It's for your own good."

"How did you know I'd use this phone?" Rachel catches her brother in a headlock. Not too tight; she doesn't want to knock him out.

"It was the only logical choice," Harvey strains against the hold. "Ow."

Rachel makes Harvey do a little spin before she dumps him on the carpet outside the study, then she crouches down beside him.

"What is this really about?"

Harvey holds up a hand as he catches his breath.

"Did I hurt you? I'm sorry."

"No," Harvey says. "It's…just unexpected. Still very effective though."

"Like riding a bike then," Rachel smirks. "I could teach you…"

"What, and use it on other people? Actually touching them? Ew, no thanks."

"Okay. Offer still stands though." Rachel pauses. "Why are you so dead set against me dating?"

"Why is it so important for you to date?"

"Huh? Well, I really like her. I don't think I need to date her, but I'd like to anyway."

"I don't understand."

"Um," Rachel frowns. "I don't really know how to explain this. I thought I was happy, I guess. I'm pretty happy, but Fanny makes me happier."

"Happy…happy," Harvey frowns and mutters. "It's…like…when I finish a mission? Or when I tell people about my record?"

"Uh, yeah, sure," Rachel cringes at the poor metaphor. "It's something like that. Fanny's important to me like how your record's important to you."

Harvey sighs and rolls over onto his stomach. "Fine," he mutters into the carpet. "Call her. I'll stay out of it."

"Thanks, little bro," Rachel ruffles his hair and goes back into the study, making sure to shut the door behind her. She sits in the chair behind the desk and barely has a chance to get situated when her mother opens the door.

"Rachel, sweetie," she says as she closes the door behind her.

"Uh, yeah, Mom?"

"I saw these earlier," her mother hands her what looks like a box of tissues. "And I thought that now would be a good time to teach you how to use them."

"_Latex Gloves_," Rachel reads off the label. "What am I gonna do with this?"

"Well," her mother pulls up the other chair. "I really hoped I wouldn't have to have this talk until much, much later. But you've started dating already, so I can't put it off any longer."

"No," Rachel stands up slowly, horrified. "Mom, no. Don't. There's no need…"

"Odd, isn't it? I always imagined this talk would be about dating boys. But I'm really going to talk to you about dating girls…"

"This is not happening," Rachel mutters to herself.

"…So I thought, since I have some experience with that…"

"Zero, take me now. Right now. Smite me."

"…I could give you some advice!" Her mother points at the chair. "Sit, will you?"

_= = = A few minutes later… = = =_

"You could wear a glove," Rachel's mother says as she holds it up. Her daughter peeks out at her from behind shuttered hands. "But you can also cut off all the fingers…and then cut it along the side…and then stretch it. Ta-da!"

The two of them stop and turn when the door opens up. Harvey peeks in.

"Mom, are you done yet? I'm hungry," Harvey pauses when he sees the cut glove stretched between his mother's hands. "What the heck is that?"

"Go away!" Rachel throws a couple stress balls at him and he squeaks and ducks out. She sinks into her chair with a troubled, faraway look on her face. "Mom," she says. "Can we not do this anymore?"

"Of course," her mother sets everything down and stands up. "Don't want to overwhelm you."

"…Yeah," Rachel can't bring herself to look at her.

"We'll talk later."

"What?"

"And one last thing. If you really want to be creative, then don't cut off the thumb or the first two fingers."

"MOM!"

"Alright, alright, going now," her mother leaves and shuts the door behind her, leaving Rachel with an impossibly red face. Rachel glances at the phone and buries her face in her hands.

"There's no freakin' way I'm calling her now."

_= = = The McKenzie family is now also known as the "Ta-da!" family. You're welcome. = = =_

"You. Sit," Fanny's mother jabs her finger at a seat in the dining table and waits as Fanny sits down, then sets the bible down in front of her.

"Ugh," Fanny rubs her temples. "Mum!"

"Don't 'mum' me," her mother opens to a marked page. "Read."

"Wh…" Fanny eyes the handful of sticky flags poking out the side of the book. "Were yeh up all night marking this up?"

"No," (yes, she had three cups of coffee this morning,) her mother puts her hands on her hips and raises her chin. "Read. Now. Aloud."

"Ugh," Fanny rolls her eyes. "Er, _if a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall be put to death; their blood is upon them_-what the heck?"

"Fanny!"

"What is this," Fanny begins scanning the page and flipping through pages at a time. "Leviticus? Leviticus…are we Jewish?"

"…No."

"Then why are you quoting Leviticus?" Fanny, to her mother's horror, unsticks two of the sticky flags and keeps scanning. "I thought all we care about is the New Testament."

"The entire book is valid!"

"Is it really," Fanny glances at her with a dark glint in her eye. "Alright, let's play hardball." She flips through a few pages and then pauses. "…_Thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee_. Mum, we are growing tomatoes and beans right next to each other in the backyard! According to this book, that's punishable by stoning. We are wearing stuff with…er." Fanny reaches back and pulls the tag of her sweater within sight. "Wool and linen! That's also a stoning. Daddy always works weekends. Always. Are we supposed to stone him too? Clearly," Fanny thumbs through the bible. "Leviticus isn't a valid guideline for the way we do things in this house. But if you found something in the New Testament…" she stops somewhere in the last half of the book, which is free of any sticky flags. "Then that'd be fair game. Tell me, Mum, did Jesus say anything about being gay?"

The two of them glare at each other for a long, long moment, then flinch when the doorbell rings.

BRRRING!

"I'll get it," Fanny pushes away from the table and goes to the door. Her mouth drops open when she sees who it is.

"Hey," Patton says. He's dressed in a button-up shirt and a nice coat to keep out the chill. "I'm here to pick you up for our date."

"Nope," Fanny slams the door shut and turns around to see her mother standing here, angry.

"What do yeh think yer doing?"

"Boy's delusional, Mum! I turned him down way before and now he's here with some crackpot story about a da…" she trails off as she stares at her mother, slack-jawed. "No, you didn't."

"Yes, I did," Fanny's mother takes her by the ear and drags her upstairs. "You will go on that date…"

"Owowow!"

"…And you will not bugger it up…"

"Rrrgh!"

"…And you will get sorted out!"

"Mum, I don't need to sort anything," Fanny pulls free of her mother's grip. "I've got Rachel, I don't need…"

"You are never seeing that girl again!" her mother goes to Fanny's closet and begins rifling through it. "She is putting your soul in jeopardy."

"…My soul," Fanny absently rubs her ear as she watches her mother pick out an outfit for her. "Based on what exactly?"

Her mother shoves some clothes into Fanny's arms and flicks her pained ear.

"Ow!"

"Don't sass me," her mother takes a deep breath and puts her hands on Fanny's shoulders. "You may fight me now, Fanny. But someday, when you're set right, you'll see. And you'll be grateful."

Fanny stares as her mother nods and leaves the room. In the next room over, Paddy looks up from painting his car model kit and Shaunie looks up from his pastel coloring book in order to exchange looks of horror.

"No," Shaunie says. "Fanny's supposed to be with Rachel!"

"Well, she's not supposed to be dating boys in general," Paddy stands up and begins pacing. "Cause if she dates boys and then gets her heart broken by boys, then she'll not just blame her exes…"

"She'll blame us?" Shaunie's eyes are wide and shiny. Paddy nods.

"Cause we're boys too. She'll take out all her frustration out on us! It'll be worse than before. It'll ruin everything."

"What are we gonna do?"

"I…I don't know," Paddy slows to a stop and runs his hands through his hair. "I think…maybe we gotta tell Rachel."

Shaunie gasps. "Then she'll save her! Like a prince!"

"Uh, yeah," Paddy looks out the window as he puts on his jacket. Patton's in the driveway, bringing up his coat collar to help keep him warm. "You gonna help me or not?"

"I am!" Shaunie pulls his beanie down over his ears and shrugs on his jacket. Paddy leans down and zips it closed, then leads his brother down to their father's den. From there, he opens the window.

"Ready?"

"Yeah!"

"'Kay," Paddy hops through the window into the side yard, then holds his hands out to help his brother. The two of them peek around the corner of the house to see Fanny coming out the front door already, bundled in jeans, a nice scarf, and a faux-leather jacket. She and Patton set off down the sideway away from the brothers and Paddy grits his teeth.

"Did you see the stupid look on his smug face?"

"…You sound like Harvey."

"Tch. No, I don't," Paddy takes his brother's hand and leads him into the backyard, where the KND vehicles are hidden. "Let's go."

While Paddy teaches his brother how to defrost and operate a G.A.R.G.O.C.Y.C.L.E., Patton opens the door to Lime Ricky's and gestures that Fanny go in.

"…Thanks," Fanny mutters as she walks in and goes down the steps to the speakeasy. It's only half-full today and instead of being chilly like on Halloween, it's quite cozy. Fanny unzips her jacket and undoes her scarf.

"Just one," a waitress asks.

"Two," Patton says from behind Fanny's shoulder. The hostess nods and leads them to a booth, where she sets down two menus. Until 10 pm, Lime Ricky's serves all kinds of burgers, hot dogs, and sandwiches, including other kinds of food stuffs too. The menus are five pages thick. As she sits down, she catches the eye of George, who does a double take at her and Patton.

_What are you doing_, he mouths from across the room. Fanny turns away.

"Anything to drink?" the waitress asks.

"Ginger ale," Patton says.

"Horse's Arse," Fanny says. The waitress snickers, but scribbles it all down on a pad anyway while Patton frowns. After she leaves for the bar to get their drinks, he clears his throat.

"So."

"…So," Fanny steeples her hands and stares at Patton the way a sports fan would watch a penalty shot during a championship match. One of Patton's brows goes up.

"Are you okay?"

Fanny hesitates as the waitress comes back with their drinks. Patton's ginger ale comes in a clear glass bottle with an empty plastic beer mug. Fanny's drink, half ginger ale and half lemon-lime soda, comes in a highball glass.

"…I need to tell you something."

"Uh…okay."

"It's, well…it's important, but it's no big deal. It's not a big deal.

"….O-kay…" Patton glances around and shifts in his seat. "What is it?"

"You have to promise not to tell anyone."

"Should I be worried?"

"Well, I don't want you to make a scene."

"Just tell me."

Before Fanny can say anything more, an electric squeal sounds through the room and everyone quiets down and turns towards the amps and the mic stand set up in a corner of the room. Behind the mic is Bartie Stork, who makes a clumsy strum on an acoustic guitar.

"Uh, hi," his voice cracks and he clears his throat. "Hi." He says, his voice suddenly harsh. "I'm Bartie, and uh, and I wrote a song today."

"Yeah, go Bartie," Virginia shouts from one of the tables.

"Haha, yeah, so," Bartie plays a bad chord and frowns. "Wait…no, wait…okay." Bartie takes a deep breath, then begins to sing off-key.

"_You and me, and me and you, and you and me, and me and you, together, oooOOooh…" _

Virginia's wolf-whistle is almost as loud as the amps. Patton throws his head back and laughs, then turns back to Fanny, who is in the middle of downing her drink.

"You were saying?"

"Ah," Fanny sets down her empty glass and signals the waitress for another. "Hmm."

"Wow," Patton gives a nervous chuckle as he eyes Fanny's glass. "Thirsty, huh?"

"It isn't gonna work between you and me, because I'm already seeing someone else."

"Oh…is it 19th Century?"

"No," Fanny waves it away. "No way. It's someone else."

Patton sniffs and thumbs his nose, then leans in conspiratorially. "Who?"

"…Oh no yeh don't."

"Oh no I what?"

"I know that look. Yer not gonna pick a fight."

"What? You don't think I can win?"

"No, I know you won't win. That and fighting whoever I'm dating isn't going to impress me."

"Aw, come on! No guy could beat me while we were in the KND. No one."

"You never fought Wally."

"Zero's chest hair. Is it Wally?"

"No! Urgh," Fanny buries her face in her hands. "I'm just making a point. You can't have been the best fighter because you didn't fight all the fighters in the KND."

"Wally doesn't count."

Fanny rolls her eyes.

"I'm serious! It's because he's in a whole different league. Ask anyone. Look," Patton pauses and waits for Bartie to finish with his song, then as the applause dies down, he stands up and cups his hands around his mouth.

"Hey, Bartie!"

Bartie pauses as he searches the crowd. "Yeah, 'sup dude," he asks into the mic.

"Wally is a crazy mofo, yes or no?"

"Haha," Bartie grins and shakes his head. "I would like the record to show that Wally Beatles once had me break a yardstick over his arm while we were playing chicken."

"We once dared him to crush five soda cans with his head," another boy shouts out. "He effin' did it and had to get five stitches."

"He asked me shoot at him with my potato launcher once," Virginia says. "Not with a potato, but with a plastic bag while standing just ten feet away and he got the ugliest bruise. Boy's a freaking beast."

"Thank you," Patton raises his hands as he sits back down. "Thank you, everyone." Bartie nods and steps off the stage, and Lee comes on with a Chinese yo-yo. Patton gives Fanny a pointed look. "So if he does that stuff for fun…then you can only imagine how he is when he's serious."

"Maybe yer right," Fanny says. "Wally's in a different league entirely and maybe you're a good fighter. But you're still not going to scrap with the person I'm dating. That's not how it works."

"Was he not in the KND? Was he civilian?"

"Patton," Fanny sighs. "That's getting off-point. The point is that I'm already taken. Yer a nice guy, so I'm being honest with you about this and letting you down as nicely as I can."

Patton sighs and leans back in his seat. "You're a lot better than Rachel at keeping information."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, you're not as obvious. When Rachel wants to keep something secret, she just clams up and it's a dead giveaway. You actually steer the conversation."

"Yeah, she told me about that weird loophole of hers."

"It's a lot more effective than you think," Patton finishes his drink. "If I pry too much, she gives me the silent treatment for days." Patton signals for another drink. "Does Rachel know about this guy?"

"Patton…"

"She does, doesn't she," Patton rubs his hands together. "Oh, it's on now."

"How? She'll just give you the silent treatment."

"All I have to do is drop a bunch of names and then see which one she has a reaction to," Patton looks almost gleeful. "It's like playing twenty questions."

Fanny opens her mouth, but before she can speak, the waitress waltzes over to their table.

"Ready to order," she asks.

_= = = … = = =_

Even though Rachel hasn't been the Supreme Leader in a long time, Paddy can't help but stand at attention. Rachel is sitting behind her father's desk after all, and he and Shaunie are telling her something important. Shaunie, still too young to be in the Kid's Next Door, sniffles behind him and wipes his nose on his sleeves.

"Uh," the corners of Rachel's mouth twitch as she looks Paddy up and down. "You don't have to do that anymore."

"Oh, yeah," Paddy shrugs. "I kinda do."

"Okay, fine. What's up? Are you little messengers now? Does Fanny need to tell me something?"

"She doesn't know we're here," Paddy says. "But we need to tell you…"

"…She's on a date with a boy," Shaunie says. Rachel freezes.

"What?"

"It's not her fault," Shaunie goes up to the desk and pats the ink blotter. "Our mom made her!"

"With who?"

"With old Numbuh 60," Paddy says. Rachel leans back in her chair, her hand pressed to her chest just under her left collarbone. "Ma'am?"

"I'm fine," Rachel says, but she's still very pale. She picks up the phone, dials and waits. "Pick up," she whispers. "Pick up, pick up. Ugh." She drops the phone on its cradle, glances at Shaunie and gasps. "No! Don't touch that!"

Shaunie stretches the glove that Rachel's mother cut up earlier between his hands. He drops it, then kicks it off to the side.

"What the heck is that for," Paddy asks.

"Nothing!" Rachel picks up the box of latex gloves and hides it behind the desk. "Ugh," she wipes her hands on her hoodie and looks at the brothers. "Let's go."

"But we don't even know where they are!"

"I might," Rachel says. "It's probably where Patton suggested we go when he asked me out."

"…What? Wait. Patton's taking our sister where he would have taken you if you guys dated?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"…I don't like that."

"Me neither. But that's the best lead I got," Rachel wrinkles her nose. "He isn't the most creative of people. Huh." Rachel jiggles the door of the study.

"What's wrong?"

"It's locked. Harvey?" Rachel calls out. "Did you do this?"

"Sorry, I can't hear you over how perfect this is all turning out!" Harvey's voice is muffled by the door. "I mean, Fanny on a date? And you trapped in here? How convenient is that?"

"HARVEY!"

"La la la la la-I can't hear you!"

"I thought we talked about this!"

"I know! I changed my mind."

"Permission to speak freely," Paddy says. Rachel shrugs and nods. "Your brother's a turd-jerky."

Rachel rolls her shoulders, closes her eyes, and takes a deep breath. "Keep him busy."

"Yes, ma'am," Paddy and his brother start hammering on the door. "Oy! Open up!"

"No way!"

Rachel pulls open the window, which makes an awful squealing sound that's covered up by Paddy's shouts, and hops out into the yard. "Hey."

Paddy and Shaunie pause and turn around. They smile and escape with Rachel.

"…Hello," Harvey says through the door. "Why'd you guys stop?" He unlocks the door and opens it in time to see the window slide shut. Paddy sticks his tongue out at him before he ducks out of sight.

"NO!"

"Oy!" Paddy and his brother struggle to keep up with Rachel, who zooms down the sidewalk to Lime Ricky's. "What about your jacket!"

"No time!" Rachel yells back, but she pulls up her hood anyway and brings a hand up to press an oncoming stitch in her side.

"Aw, jeeze," Paddy slows to a stop, then turns towards the G.A.R.G.O.C.Y.C.L.E. "Let's go home, Shaunie. Our job is done."

"Yay! Can we have hot cocoa?"

"Yeah!"

"With marshmallows?"

"Yeah."

"And tobasco?"

"…Sure…"

Shaunie grins.

_= = = … = = =_

Everyone claps as Lee finishes his Chinese yo-yo routine. Patton claps too, then picks up his cell phone and burger and continues where he left off.

"So it ain't Bartie and it ain't Wally…is it Hoagie?"

"Patton," Fanny mutters. "I swear to Zero…"

"No, not him," Patton scrolls up and down on his contact list. "…Not him either; he's not our age…who's left?"

"You need to stop guessing," Fanny says as she starts on her sandwich. "Right now. No, you needed to stop guessing ten minutes ago. This is…unnecessary."

"So I'm getting close."

"You are wasting your breath," Fanny shakes her head. "Your tactics won't work on me, Patton."

"Hey," Rachel comes out of nowhere, wheezing, her nose and cheeks red and her sweatshirt still full of the cold air from outside. "Hi."

"Rachel," Patton looks at her as if she had grown a second head. "Did you run all the way over here?"

"What? No way. Can I…can I just…please…" Rachel squeezes into the booth and Fanny scoots over to give her space. "Yeah, thanks. Thanks so much."

"Rachel, what the heck," Patton frowns and puts down his cell phone and half-eaten burger. "What are you doing? We are having a discussion here."

"You wanna split a pitcher?" Rachel's breathing eases and she signals for the waitress. Fanny puts a hand over her mouth to hide her snicker. "Let's split a pitcher. Hi. Hey."

The waitress giggles. "Yes, ma'am?"

"A pitcher of root beer please. And three cups."

"Anything else?"

"Six-no-twelve. Twelve sliders please. With onions. And fries. Lots of fries, like…two potatoes worth of fries. Thank you," as the waitress leaves, Rachel grins at Patton, who just glares back. "You look nice today."

"Yeah," Patton grinds out. "It's for a date…that I'm on…right now."

"You big goof," Fanny nudges Rachel's shoulder. "How'd you know about this?"

"Your brothers."

"Ugh, I appreciate it, but you didn't need to be here. I was sorting it out."

"Really?" Rachel pauses as the waitress drops off the root beer then pours all of them a round. "So you know she's with someone," Rachel says to Patton, who takes a deep breath.

"Yeah."

"Though, I haven't told him who it is yet," Fanny says. Rachel's brows go up. "I was actually trying to decide about it."

"Oh," Rachel glances at Patton. "Well, part of me thinks you should. But he looks pretty mad."

"Who is it, Rachel," Patton asks. "Tell me."

Rachel bites her lip and shakes her head, then smiles as the waitress drops off her food. "Oh, thank you!"

"You're welcome. Enjoy!"

"Rachel," Patton warns.

"Nuh uh," Rachel stares at him and stuffs a slider into her mouth. "Mmm."

"Dang it," Patton leans back in his seat, but Fanny shrugs.

"Maybe I can tell you who it is," she exchanges looks with Rachel, who shrugs and chomps down on a handful of fries. "Yeah, why not? Let's see how good a guy you really are." Fanny pauses as Rachel taps the side of her head. "Er, it's someone really smart."

"Oh?"

Rachel flexes her arms a little.

"…And really strong."

"…Can totally kick your ass," Rachel says before she tears another slider in half.

"And," Fanny covers her mouth to stifle a giggle as Rachel does another hand sign. "Really 'andsome."

"So handsome."

"…With a bulbous ego," Fanny gives Rachel a little push and giggles. "Prat."

"Hater."

"This isn't helping," Patton's face darkens by the second.

"Och, nevermind," Fanny says. Rachel swallows her food and coughs.

"Ugh, why?"

"He's going to go completely mad…"

"No, he won't. He's one of my best buds."

"Why does that matter though," Patton asks. "We're talking about Fanny's boyfriend, not yours."

"Hear me out, okay? Okay, what if you had two friends…"

"Uh huh."

"Who aren't us," Rachel says. Fanny just rolls her eyes and finishes her soda. "Like, two other people who aren't us. Like, they're girls too, but not us. And…they…kinda sorta like each other?"

Patton stares. "You and Fanny are dating each other?"

"Dangit!"

"Rachel," Fanny digs an elbow into her side. "What were you thinking, being that transparent?"

"I thought it would work!"

"Yer a horrible liar! You know this. We all know this!"

"Whatever, it's done!" Rachel turns to Patton. "Yeah, that's what's going on." She and Fanny wait with bated breath as Patton looks away.

"Wow," he whispers. "You and Fanny, huh?" Rachel takes another bite of food and chews slowly while Fanny starts on her root beer.

"…Pat," Rachel asks. "You okay?"

"I don't believe you," Patton says. "It's like, _Oh haha, let's play a joke on Patton! It'll be fun._ Not." Patton kills his ginger ale, then fumes as he chugs down half of his root beer. "Fine. I can play along. Prove it."

Fanny stares. "What?"

"Prove it. Prove you guys are dating each other."

"That's not fair," Fanny stamps her foot. "If you said you were dating someone, we'd believe you then!"

"Yeah, but I wouldn't say I'm dating a guy," Patton picks his burger back up. "I mean, make an attempt at sounding truthful, you know?"

Fanny just looks at Rachel. "I'd like to leave now."

"…Yeah me too," Rachel finishes her sixth slider and raises her hand. "Check please? Oh, but not for him. He's being an ass."

"…You're serious," Patton says.

"…And can we get a couple boxes to go too?"

"Okay, okay, wait," Patton grabs Rachel's hand and lowers it. "What the heck? All I'm asking is for a little proof."

"Patton," Rachel sighs. "You're great and all, but you need to shut up about this."

"Why? I don't think I'm being unreasonable."

"Well, you are. And if you're not gonna take us seriously, then why should we take you seriously?"

"Are we really having an argument about this? Listen to yourself! It sounds so bogus."

"Wait, wait," Fanny puts a hand on Rachel's arm. "You and Patton are supposed to be friends."

"Yeah, supposed to be," Rachel says. Patton winces.

"I don't want to be the reason to ruin it."

Rachel's jaw moves as she clears food from her mouth. "I don't want to force you to do anything you don't want to. And in a place like this…" she nods towards all the people crowding into Lime Ricky's. "We'll be out. Like, the closet will dissolve from around us."

"Yeah."

"What if some kids don't like that?"

"It'll be fine."

"And what if Patton doesn't like it anyway?"

"That'll be fine too."

"I've also been eating onions. Is that okay too?"

"Ah," Fanny cringes. "Yeah, whatever. If it's you it's alright."

"Okay then," Rachel takes a sip of root beer and wipes her mouth on a napkin. "I'm going to kiss you now."

"…Alright…"

"Very thoroughly."

"…What?" But suddenly Rachel twists and puts her hands on the back of the booth and on the edge of the table in front of Fanny, and leans in, taking up Fanny's entire field of vision. _Oh,_ Fanny thinks as her eyes flutter close.

"Stop."

Fanny feels Rachel lean back and she opens her eyes to see Patton with his head in his hands.

"Stop," he says again, defeated. "Okay, I believe you."

A pocket of silence envelops their booth. Rachel worries her lip and Fanny slips her hand in hers under the table.

"Dang," Patton whispers. "Dangit."

"…Pat?"

"You weren't kidding when you said he could beat me up."

"Whoa, that was a joke. You just made a joke," Rachel ducks so she can see his face. "So…are we okay? Are you okay?"

"I…guess," Patton sighs. "Thinking about it now, I should have seen it all coming. Both of you turned me down when I asked you out."

"What a shining example of humility you are," Fanny mutters over her root beer.

"And…you're also one of my best friends, Rach," Patton sighs. "I can't stay mad at you."

"Heh," Rachel taps her foot against his under the table and he smiles and taps back. The taps turn into kicks and pretty soon Patton and Rachel are trying to maim each other under the table.

"Ugh," Fanny finishes her second beer. "This is what passes as affection between guy friends."

"Hey," Rachel stops kicking him and hugs her. "This is good stuff!"

"Yeah, I should have dropped it when you said no," Patton tells Fanny. "But then your mom called me and said you changed your mind. Oh man, is she trying to set you up?"

"Actually yeah," Fanny's nose wrinkles. "She is. If she hears that I'm still with Rachel, she'll go nuts!"

"Aw, that's not fair," Patton falls silent as he thinks. "I think I have an idea for that."


	5. St Valentine's Day

"That's what you're wearing," Rachel says as she locks the front door behind her. "That."

"Yeah," Patton looks down at himself. While Rachel has settled for jeans, a layered Henley shirt and her dark p-coat, Patton wears exactly what he wore on New Year's Day. "What's wrong with it?"

"You keep wearing it," Rachel tucks her keys into her jeans and leads the way to the backyard. "Is that all you've got?"

"Kind of," Patton watches as Rachel pulls a camouflage tarp from over her old R.O.A.D.S.T.A.R. "…You still have that?"

"Yeah, I mean, why the heck not," Rachel grins as she walks around it, inspecting it. Despite its age, it looks almost brand new. "I ran maintenance on it yesterday." She slides into the driver's seat and wrinkles her nose as her legs fold. "Getting' kind of tall for it though. It's gonna kill my knees."

"Hah," Patton does his own circuit around the vehicle. "It looks like one of those cars at amusement parks. Like a bumper car, or a fancy go-kart. Are you really gonna use this today?"

"Well, we can't walk to where I wanna go this time," Rachel says as she turns the vehicle on. "It'd take too long. Now get in, loser. We're going shopping."

"Shopping, what? Why," Patton squeezes in next to her.

"Because it's Valentine's Day and we have no flowers," Rachel pulls the steering wheel back and the R.O.A.D.S.T.A.R. rises off the ground. Then she presses on one of the pedals and blasts over the roofs of the houses.

_= = = That car's so fetch. = = = _

Fanny's mother tries, and fails, not to look too conspicuous as she peers over the top over her tabloid magazine at her daughter, who absently rubs a thumb over the calluses on the tips of her left fingers.

"You should stop playing the mandolin," she says. Fanny just glances at her. "Girl's hands shouldn't be so rough."

_But I like Rachel's hands just fine,_ Fanny stops herself from saying. Instead she gives an uncommitted grunt. When the doorbell rings, Fanny's mother gives her a knowing sort of smile that makes Fanny squirm.

"Right," even though she doesn't need to, Fanny's mother begins to fuss over Fanny; straightening her jacket, fixing a stray lock of curly hair…Fanny ducks away when she licks a thumb to smooth out an eyebrow.

"Urgh, Mum, really?"

"Och, well," Fanny's mother has the grace to look flustered. "I suppose it isn't needed. But he's such a nice boy…"

"Mum."

"…And I worry you'll chase him off."

"Mum," Fanny holds up her hands. "He's waiting."

"Oh, I'm so proud of you!" Fanny's mother scoops her up into a hug. "I knew yeh could be fixed!"

"…Right," Fanny grinds out through clenched teeth. "I'll be off then."

"Of course," Fanny's mother sets her down and sighs. "Have fun."

"I will."

"Be yourself, but don't talk too much."

"Er…"

"Be mysterious."

"Hi!" Fanny opens the front door and her mother's mouth closes with a snap. Patton's on the other side, with a bouquet of roughly-cut flowers.

"Hey, ready for another date?" Patton holds out the bouquet. "These are for you."

Fanny picks out a card tucked between branches of lilac and white wisteria and reads the hurried scrawl:

_Sorry I couldn't give these to you in person. _

_Happy Valentine's Day!_

_-RM_

"Cute," Fanny can't help but smile as she tucks the card into her pocket. Her mother beams at the exchange. "I'll put these in water and then we'll go."

As soon as the both of them are outside and away from the prying eyes of Fanny's mother, Fanny sighs and fingers the card in her pocket.

"Maybe we shouldn't do this anymore."

"What? Why," Patton leads her down the driveway and towards the end of the bock. "It's working. Your mom thinks you're dating me when you're really dating Rachel."

"Yes, yes, yer a wonderful beard," Fanny says. "But I don't like lying to her like this. She got so smug when we started it, like she was right all along and that you've magically fixed me. She's accepting and happy with all these lies and…and…" Fanny pauses. "I just realized that she'll never accept me as I am. I'll need t'lie to her for the rest of my life."

"Stop. Stop that," Patton frowned. "You are a good person, Francine Fulbright. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I don't think I'll be around all the time to be your mustache or whatever, so she'll know the truth eventually. But in the meantime, you have time to enjoy yourself before you tell her everything."

"I guess yer right," Fanny says. "I've got time to figure all this out."

"I'm just worried about what other kinds of shows we'll have to put on in order to keep your mother convinced," Patton says as they turn a corner.

"I suppose," Fanny looks Patton up and down. "Hugs wouldn't be so bad."

"Yeah? What about a kiss?"

"Don't push it, Drilovsky," Fanny shudders and rolls her shoulders.

"What's wrong?"

"I thought about it. About kissing you."

"And?"

"I threw up in my mouth a little," Fanny grimaces and pops a mint in her mouth.

"You know what? Never change, Fulbright," Patton chuckles. "Can I have one of those?"

"Yeah," Fanny shakes the tin and a mint falls onto Patton's palm. "Impressing someone?"

"Yeah, I'm picking up a date in a half hour."

"You? You have a lady friend?" Fanny punches him lightly in the arm when a sly grin spreads across his face. "Go Patton, go."

"Not bad, huh?" The both of them wave at Rachel, who's parked under a tree. She smiles and waves back as she waits for them to get there.

"Hi," Rachel says as Fanny pulls her into a hug. "You look nice."

"So do you."

"Did you like the flowers?"

"They were absolutely lovely. Even if you nicked them from someone's garden," Fanny steps back and gestures at the R.O.A.D.S.T.A.R. "What's all this?"

"I thought we'd go to a museum this time," Rachel says. "There's a couple exhibits there I thought you'd like."

"Yeah, before you guys go," Patton retrieves a bouquet of red roses. "Can you drop me off at Kimberly's house?"

Rachel and Fanny share a look. "Kimberly – Numbuh 202 – Kimberly? That one?"

"Yeah." Patton frowns at their surprised faces. "What?"

"Nothing," Rachel forces a smile as she climbs into the vehicle. "It's just…Kim's pretty cool and you're…you."

"Wow, thank you so much," Patton's frown deepens into a scowl as Fanny climbs into the vehicle. "For that shining vote of confidence."

"Sorry, Pat," Rachel smiles apologetically. "I'm sure you'll get along great."

"Thanks, that's much better," Patton nods as he moves to get in too. "Now where's my seat?"

"What?"

"Are you mad? We won't all fit in here!"

"Too bad! Move it."

"Owow," Rachel gasps. "Move your elbows. Scoot up, scoot up."

"I would, but yer bloody knees are in the way!"

"Can you guys scoot already? My ass is still hanging out over here." Patton says this while he stands up in the vehicle. "Plus, we'll smother Kim's flowers."

"Zero's nose hair," Fanny grumbles. "Yeh better expand this thing before you next use it, Rach. The lot of us are getting' too fat fer this."

"Yeah, I know that now," Rachel groans. "How is this possible? We all fit here two years ago. With room for guns!"

Patton curses under his breath and turns to Fanny. "Sit in her lap."

"…What?"

"Sit. In her freaking. Lap. Now."

The girls share a look, then Fanny reddens as Rachel spreads her arms.

"Come into my arms," she whispers. Fanny does a double take and Patton bites his knuckles to keep from laughing.

"Oh my gosh."

"You cannot deny our love. It is written in the stars."

"Hush! Hush your mouth. I-shushush," Fanny ducks her head as Patton guffaws. Rachel's façade cracks and she begins laughing.

"Not good enough huh? Maybe I should say those lines from horseback-"

"You evil, evil girl," Fanny raises her chin. "Fine, you want to play," Fanny plops down in Rachel's lap and drops her arm around her shoulders and Rachel's laughs stop as Fanny begins to whisper in her ear.

Patton watches them, slack-jawed. At first, Rachel is pale, but as Fanny continues whispering…whatever it is, Rachel grows redder and redder until finally…

"Okay, you win! Goddamn. Patton, get your ass in here. We're leaving _now_," Rachel turns the engine and Patton shifts Fanny's feet so he can sit down. Fanny throws her head back and cackles.

"Dude," Patton whispers to Rachel. "Your girlfriend's a freaking pistol."

Rachel just shakes her head and pulls back on the steering wheel.

_= = = Hey, lil mama, lemme whispa in yo ear… = = = _

"Okay then," Rachel asks Patton as she hovers the R.O.A.D.S.T.A.R. a few feet over Kimberly's lawn. Patton lands on his feet, then reaches for the bouquet that Fanny hands down to him. Thankfully, it hasn't been smothered.

"Anything else?"

"Don't pick your nose," Rachel offers. Fanny grins over her shoulder.

"Don't talk about us as exes. 'Cause, yeh know, technically we kinda are."

"Don't spit on her shoes."

"Say 'please' and 'thank you.'"

"Yeah," Patton's brows come together as the girls giggle. "Thanks for all that obvious advice."

"We try," Rachel winks and flies off. "Good luck, Pat!"

"Think he'll be alright," Fanny asks. "They barely know each other."

"Hoagie got him tickets for tonight's robo-battle-bot cage match thing. You tell me."

"…Kim'll love him. How the hell did he know to do that?"

Rachel laughs. "If Patton can be my wingman, then I can afford to be his, right?" She lands somewhere in front of the museum and helps Fanny out.

_= = = A half hour later… = = = _

Patton and Kimberly sit in a casual Chinese restaurant. They have a couple hours to kill before the robot rumble starts, so they take their time. The only other patrons in the restaurant are a mother and her two children, and a man who sits in front of the television as he waits for his takeout order to be filled.

"…It'll have a dome shape," Kimberly says as she scribbles on a napkin. "So it can't be knocked over."

"What about explosives," Patton asks. "It can't just shoot explosives?"

"I wish," Kimberly sighs. "But projectiles are illegal. There's a cage to protect people, but it can't block everything. Same with liquids. No leaking liquids or powders allowed."

"Tsk, good game."

"I know," Kimberly frowns. "I had to throw out so many designs when I learned that, too."

"So what are you planning now?"

"Something like a tank," Kimberly smiles. "It'll be a heavy as possible, then it'll have this huge hammer thing. With spikes like…a…mace." Kimberly frowns as Patton ducks. He almost begins cowering under the table. "What are you doing?"

"Sorry, it's just," Patton looks past her. "She can't know I'm here."

"Who," Kimberly looks back to see Fanny's mother, who points at things on the menu while talking to one of the wait staff. "Oh, her. Who is she?"

"I'm supposed to be dating her daughter."

"WHAT?"

"Shh," Patton ducks again as the waiter and Fanny's mother glance in his direction. When it's safe to look, he peeks out. Kimberly does not look amused.

"It's only our first date and you're already two-timing me?"

"What? No. No way," Patton whispers. "Look, in order to help someone out, I'm pretending to date her so that her mom doesn't totally flip. It's only a favor, okay? Between friends."

Kimberly crosses her arms. "Is this a fake date too?"

"Absolutely not," Patton whispers and Kimberly tilts her head. "I mean, what the hell, you think I'm a sleaze like that?"

"What am I supposed to think? You're making such a bad impression here."

"…Is it possible for you to reserve judgment until you talk to my friends?"

"I don't know," Kimberly frowns. "That's pushing it."

"YOU," Fanny's mother thunders as she towers above them. "HOW DARE YOU."

"Shit," Patton mutters.

"Where is my daughter? What have you done?"

"I…uh…"

"Are you cheating on her? You little tosser," Fanny's mother slaps him upside the head and turns on Kimberly. "And you, you little tart! What're yeh doing stealing him away like this?"

"…What? No!"

"Ma'am," the waiter steps in front of her, looking desperate. "Ma'am, you go outside. You go now."

"You haven't heard the last of this," Fanny's mother hisses before she sweeps out of the restaurant, leaving Kimberly almost laying down in the booth and Patton on the floor, his shirt askew. The both of them are very pale. The waiters, abandoning all decorum, begin speaking in rapid Mandarin amongst themselves and pointing to where they last saw Fanny's mother. Kimberly sits up and stares.

"I think…I think I'd like to go home now."

"Aw, man," Patton picks himself up. "Really? But what about the robo-battle thing? Destruction and mayhem!"

"Ugh," she rubs her face. "I guess I could use that after all this. But I'm not really hungry anymore. And this might be the last date."

"Fine," Patton reaches for his wallet with trembling fingers. "Let me get the check first."

= = = … = = =

There are two exhibits at the local museum that they're able to visit. One is dedicated to a collection of protest posters from the 1960's and 70's and the other chronicles the events of 1968. Rachel lingers around the repurposed army helicopter, but Fanny tugs on her hand in order to get to the partitions dedicated to the start of feminism.

"…_Where they burned bras, makeup, hair curlers, and other items denounced as the oppressive tools of the patriarchy,"_ Rachel reads off the plaque. "Wow. I can see why you're not a feminist."

"No," Fanny shakes her head. "This is a different kind of feminism."

"There's different kinds of feminism?"

"Yeah, like, a range," Fanny absently swipes her thumb over Rachel's knuckle. "Like, I suppose my views are really extreme, because I think everything feminine is superior. You know this. Then there's the regular feminism, where people think men and women deserve to be equal."

Rachel nods. "So this kind of stuff…"

"It's kind of hypocritical," Fanny says. "They say that women should be superior, or equal, or whatever, but they still think that anything deemed feminine, like makeup and stuff, is still inferior."

"Wait," Rachel scrunches up her face. "That doesn't make sense."

"Exactly. It's a little self-defeating," Fanny tugs on Rachel's hand and they walk on to another partition. She pauses as a grimace flickers across Rachel's face. "You alright?"

"Huh? Yeah," Rachel smiles, but Fanny still frowns. "Look," she says as they pause in front of a reproduction of a space pod. "It's the thing the astronauts stayed in when they travelled to the moon."

They share a look, then break out in snickers. A few other patrons give them curious looks, but move on without a word.

"I can't believe that moon set worked…twice," Rachel whispers. "We emptied so many sandboxes just to spruce it up."

"I can't believe Kuki's idea worked."

"Popping the balloon? You have no idea how much I freaked out when I saw that. Herbie told me afterwards that I started screaming at the T.V. and _I don't remember screaming_."

"I remember that. They sedated you and I got so angry, because they didn't tell me and I was the only one who knew about this," Fanny pats Rachel's left collarbone. "I didn't know if it'd mess with you badly."

"Ah," Rachel waves it away. "Turned out okay, didn't it? And if they didn't sedate me, then I probably would've started hyperventilating."

"You miss it," Fanny asks.

"I miss the people," Rachel says after a moment. "I miss feeling invincible."

"Ah, yes," Fanny nods. "That reminds me; Patton told me about Wally Beatles."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Turns out he's the boy version of you."

A wicked grin spreads over Rachel's face. "Is that so?"

"Oh no. Don't you dare."

"What? You don't know what I'm thinking."

"I know exactly what yer thinkin'. You are not going t'face off against Wally in a self-destructive death challenge."

"Oh Fanny," Rachel puts a hand on her cheek in mock distress. "How can you be so full of such awesome ideas?"

"Wh-that was a terrible idea!"

"Oh Zero, how will I ever resist such a worthy opponent?"

"No, I refuse," Fanny stomps her foot.

"Come on, you know I can handle myself."

"Yeah, that was true like…four years ago. Now," Fanny trails off as Rachel sighs.

"I can still do stuff, you know."

"I know," Fanny says gently. "I don't doubt that. But…please be careful."

"Hmm."

"Can you quit poutin'? Yer breaking my poor heart over here."

"What?" Rachel frowns. "I do not pout."

"You were totally pouting."

"I'm above pouting. I'm not lying either."

"You don't know you're capable, that's all," Fanny giggles and nudges her. "Mighty McKenzie pouts. Like a puppy."

"Oho, _now_ I'm offended," but Rachel can't hide her smile. "Hater."

"Prat."

There's a moment where the two of them nudge each other and stifle their giggles, then Fanny gasps as Rachel crumples to the floor.

"No," Fanny kneels beside her as her head lolls to the side. She presses her fingers to the side of her neck to feel no pulse. A few other patrons gather around them, murmuring. "No! Rach, Rachel, breathe. Please…" her eyes zone in on a spot on the left side of Rachel's chest, just under the collarbone. "Work," she hisses. "Damn piece of rubbish. _Work._"

Suddenly, Rachel convulses for a second, as if zapped by a taser. Her eyes fly open and she gasps.

"Ah, ugh," Rachel winces and lays a hand on her chest. "Ow."

"Young lady," a security guard asks. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah," Rachel stammers as Fanny squeezes her hands. "It's…like a pacemaker."

"Oh," confusion passes over the guard's face, but he still disperses the crowd and helps Rachel onto a bench in one of the more secluded parts of the exhibit. "Do you want us to call an ambulance?"

"No, thank you," Rachel says. The guard nods and walks off. "Ugh."

"Are you really alright," Fanny asks.

"No," Rachel groans and presses a hand over her heart. "It's like being punched in the chest."

"Let me see," Fanny says. She glances around for anyone looking, and when she's satisfied that no one is, she hooks a thumb in Rachel's shirt collar and stretches it to the side, revealing a white, shiny scar a couple inches long that runs almost parallel to her collarbone. Fanny presses her other hand and feels, just under the skin below the scar, something that resembles a zippo lighter. Throughout the inspection, Rachel watches her face.

"Which number is this episode," Fanny asks in almost a whisper.

"The third…I think." Rachel reaches up and curls her fingers around Fanny's elbow.

"The third," Fanny murmurs. "And you've had it for…what? Almost four years now? It'll have to be replaced soon," Fanny fixes Rachel's shirt and the corners of Rachel's mouth twitch.

"I'm fine, seriously," Rachel weighs Fanny's hands in hers. "Don't worry."

"All the same, I'd feel better if we got you home," Fanny pauses as her cell phone beeps inside her bag. "Oh gosh," she scrambles for her cell phone. "I'm sorry. I thought it was on silent."

"Who is it? Maybe it's Pat, asking for advice."

"Er," Fanny checks the screen. "It…it _is_ Drilovsky." She presses a couple buttons and holds it up so that the both of them can hear.

"Hello?"

"Hey, ladies," Patton sounds out of breath. "I…have bad news."

"What is it?"

"Your mom found out."

There's a pause, then Rachel unsticks her tongue from the rook of her mouth. "…Fanny's?"

"Yeah."

"What?" Fanny covers her mouth as a few people look at her. "What? How?"

"She was trying to get take-out from the place Kim and I were eating. I…I didn't know she was…I'm real sorry."

Fanny closes her eyes and bows her head and Rachel frowns and takes the phone.

"It's not your fault, Pat. You couldn't have known."

"Yeah, but you trusted me with this and I blew it."

"Again, not your fault," Rachel begins to drum her fingers on the bench. "Pat, calm down. How's Kimberly?"

"Uhm, she's freaking out about the whole thing. I'm kinda on thin ice over here."

"Ugh," Rachel wrinkles her nose. "Well, are you guys still going to that robot demolition thing?"

"Yeah, but I don't think there's gonna be a second date after this. She flipped out, dude."

"Okay, we'll just meet you there then."

"…Okay."

"Just hang in there, okay? Everything'll be fine." Rachel hangs up and puts the phone down. "Fanny?"

"…My mum's gonna kill me," Fanny whispers. "What if she hates me? What if she kicks me out?"

"She's not gonna kick you out."

"And you can guarantee this?"

"I can…talk reason at it," Rachel puts an arm around her shoulders and bumps her temple against her head. "There's still your dad. What does he think about all this?"

"He," Fanny hesitates. "He gave yer dad a raise a week after the New Year's party."

"…What?"

"I didn't ask him to, I heard him arguing about it with Kuki's mum. She said she'd have to redo a load of paperwork to make that happen."

"Oh," Rachel's brows scrunch together in thought. "I don't know what to think about that. Is he trying to buy us off? Like, insurance-wise? Is he bribing us? Fanny, what is your dad thinking?"

"I usually logic Daddy's actions with, 'because it's cheaper,' and 'because they annoy him.' And I really can't apply any of those here, so…I don't know. I really don't. It's just…it's the only way he knows how to be a parent, I guess. If something makes his kid happy, then throw money at it?"

"Ugh, what an ethical mess. Well, at least we know he approves…somehow. If he didn't, he'd probably just go ahead and fire my dad."

"Yeah, he's thrown fits about the most ridiculous things before, and if he's calm about this one, well…"

"Then he won't kick you out," Rachel gives her shoulder a little squeeze. "Even if your mom wanted to, which I doubt, he won't let her."

"You think so?"

"Yeah. I read that report, you know. About your dad being…who he is. Several reports actually. All these evil plans and he didn't drag you into them," Rachel smiles. "He really cares, he just shows it in different ways."

Fanny sighs. "Still. It's all buggered up. I'm going to have to play damage control when I get home."

"Don't have to go home now though," Rachel stands up and holds out her hand. "Interested in helping Patton out?"

"…I suppose," Fanny takes her hand and they set off through the museum and the R.O.A.D.S.T.A.R. beyond. "He shouldn't be punished fer helping us."

"Oh wow," Rachel sighs in relief. "I thought I'd have to convince you somehow."

"You could still pout. That would help."

"I don't pout!"

"It's such a good pout. You could probably get anything by me with it."

"But I don't pout!"

"So you say. Which is why you'll never blackmail me with it." Fanny laughs. "You're doing it right now!"

= = = … = = =

Kimberly and Patton stand in front of the local college basketball gym. Behind them, teenagers and young adults line up at the ticket windows and filter through the doors with trolleys of equipment and boxes of parts and tools.

"Yo!" Rachel and Fanny walk up, out of breath. Kimberly's eyes widen and she claps a hand over her mouth to muffle her shriek. "Are we late?"

"Right on time," Patton's smile is a nervous one. "How are you guys?"

"Supreme Leader, sir," Kimberly stammers out. Rachel cringes and shakes her head.

"You don't have to do that."

Kimberly stares, then turns to Patton. "You've been helping the Supreme Leader."

"Yeah…"

"Oh," Kimberly looks back and forth between Rachel, Fanny, and the way they're holding hands. "Congrats."

"Ah, yeah. Thanks."

"Yeah, congrats on your girlfriend," Kimberly turns and punches Patton in the arm.

"Ow!"

"How come you didn't tell me she was dating _the Supreme Leader_?"

"I don't know, I thought it wasn't important!"

"Kimberly, look," Fanny says. "I'm sorry my mum ruined your date. It was never Patton's fault. He's actually a really good guy, and…well, I'd appreciate it if you gave him a second chance."

Kimberly stares. "You're vouching for Patton?"

"…Yes?"

"But…you're you."

Fanny chuckles. "Yeah, that is odd, isn't it? Does that count for something?"

Kimberly looks Patton up and down. "Well, if you think he's a good guy, then maybe today was just bad luck?"

"Yes," Patton fist pumps and Kimberly laughs.

"Don't push it, man!"

"Yeah, okay," Patton fixes his jacket. "Are you guys coming with us?"

"Nah," Fanny shakes her head and pats Rachel's arm. "Gotta get this one home. She took a spill today."

"What," Patton turns to Rachel. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine! It's just Fanny fussing. You know."

"No, he doesn't," Fanny rolls her eyes. "Like I'd ever fuss over him."

"Ouch, you hurt me," Patton winks as he escorts Kimberly towards the doors. "Real deep, Fulbright. I'll see you gals later!"

Rachel and Fanny wave, and Fanny giggles when she sees Kimberly glance back at them every few seconds.

"How do you not take advantage of that sort of thing? These people would still do anything for you."

"Easy," Rachel says. "I think of Douchebag Dickson and what he'd do."

"Dou-wow," Fanny looks at her from the corner of her eyes. "That's…wow."

"Yeah," Rachel says. "We have a score to settle. But not today. Today is supposed to be a good day."

_= = = Mighty McKenzie vs. Douchebag Dickson; yes, or yes? = = = _

The girls find the McKenzie house empty. Harvey is elsewhere ("Probably on KND business," Rachel says) and the parents have gone to a fancy restaurant. Rachel immediately bids Fanny to sit at the kitchen table, then takes out two over-sized coffee mugs. Another cabinet yields flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, sugar. Rachel takes two eggs from the fridge and Fanny's jaw drops.

"You bake?"

"I do," Rachel's smile favors her left. "Is that girly enough for you?"

But Fanny cannot find the words. Instead, she watches as Rachel measures out tablespoons of olive oil and milk into the mugs. She cracks an egg into each and moves them, coating the insides of the mug in liquid. After that she measures out the flour and the dry ingredients and then tops them both off with healthy doses of Nutella.

"Stir," she says as she holds out a mug and a fork to Fanny. "Until it's all even."

"Are you going to stick these in the oven?"

"No, in the microwave. Have you ever tried mug brownies?"

"No."

"Good," Rachel wrinkles her nose. "It's like eating cardboard."

"Is that what these are," Fanny sets down the finished mix.

"No, these are mug _cakes_," Rachel takes the mugs and puts them in the microwave for only a minute and a half each. When they're done, she squirts in a layer of chocolate syrup and hands one of the mugs to Fanny with a spoon. "Happy Valentine's day."

"Wh-how," Fanny stares at the mug, then at Rachel. "I knew you all this time and didn't know you baked?"

"I…just started," Rachel blushes and begins jabbing into the cake to mix in the syrup. "I thought you'd like it. I hope it's not lame. Is it lame? Gosh, now I feel so stupid…"

"No," Fanny shouts, then catches herself. "No, it's nice. It's loads better than store-bought chocolate." She eats a spoonful and her eyes light up. Rachel turns her own mug around in her hands.

"Is it good?"

"This is impossible," Fanny whispers. "You fished this out of the _microwave_."

"Ha ha!"

"You understand what I mean?"

"Yeah, I know. I was surprised too. Problem is, now that I know how convenient it is, I probably won't be able to stop making them."

"Ohm," Fanny eats a chunk of the cake. "Oh gosh, Rachel, I probably won't ask you to stop making them either."

"What a terrible scenario," Rachel tries not to laugh as she eats her own cake. "We're doomed."

The front door opens and Rachel's parents walk in.

"Hi, Mom! Hey, Dad."

"What's all this?" Her father pulls off his coat and tosses it over the back of the living room couch. "Hello, Fanny."

"Hello, Mr. McKenzie," Fanny gives a little wave. "Mrs. McKenzie."

"Already sneaking her home, Rachel?" Rachel's mother shakes her head. "It's too soon for that, sweetie."

"I-I wasn't," Rachel turns bright red and stammers. "It isn't like that!"

"If you say so," Rachel's mother begins to mutter. "Awful timing too; we aren't gone for the weekend…"

"Mom," Rachel hisses as her father goes to answer a knock at the door. "Please! She's _right there_."

"Oh no," Fanny just scrapes her spoon against the inside of the mug. "Don't stop on my account."

"YOU GIVE HER BACK RIGHT NOW," everyone freezes as Fanny's mother yells from the front door. "I KNOW SHE'S HERE."

"Oh no," Fanny buries her face in her hands. Rachel abandons her mug and she and her mother step into the living room to see Rachel's father standing in the doorway to keep Fanny's mother out.

"You," Fanny's mother points a threatening finger at Rachel. "You've bewitched her! Produce her. Now."

"You will lower your voice," Rachel's father begins, but she just talks over him.

"DEVIL'S SPAWN," Fanny's mother shouts as she reaches under his arm and squirts holy water at his daughter. "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU."

"Ack, phththt," Rachel sputters and her mother gasps and pushes her out of range. Fanny steps in front of her and holds up her hands.

"Mum, stop!"

"Fanny, you will cease shielding that abomination this instant!"

"That's it," Rachel's mother says. "I'm calling the police."

"Wait, Mrs. McKenzie, please…call my dad," Fanny says. "He'll come collect her."

"Oh…I suppose that'll do," Rachel's mother shakes her head and goes into the kitchen. Fanny sighs and sits down with Rachel on the couch. The both of them watch their parents shout at each other in the doorway.

"Still think it's worth it," Rachel asks. Fanny nods and takes her hand.

"Do you?"

Rachel grins and plants a kiss on Fanny's cheek.

_= = = Well…that escalated quickly. = = = _

Note Bene: The device in Rachel's chest is an implantable cardioverter-defibrillator (ICD). When people have these, it can mean that their hearts sometimes stop for no apparent reason, even when they are otherwise completely healthy. It can also mean that their heartbeat begins to be irregular when it works hard (like during exercise or times of stress). When sensors wired to these defibrillators detect that the heart is not working as it should, it delivers a strong electrical shock to keep the heart pumping correctly.

Rachel's mother is such a troll. I love writing her so goddamn much, you readers have no idea. Oh, and I would also like to welcome all my persistent and wonderful readers and reviewers to the SS RachelxFanny. It's only a yacht, and not a warship/cruise-liner/behemoth like the others, but it's a nice yacht. Please review!

-Arty


	6. St Patrick's Day

Trigger Warning: Bigotry.

There are things the Decommissioning machine cannot erase. There was his name, for one. Thaddeus Daughenbaugh was too old to forget something like that. There was also an air of finesse that that was hammered into him from the time he could speak until the day he was frozen. Thaddeus oozes it now while he stands in the school hallway, effortless and easy in slacks, leather shoes, and a waistcoat. His hair, once long, has been shorn into a hairstyle a Victorian bank clerk might sport.

He doesn't look like a relic though, because his clothes were cut with a modern eye. The only thing truly vintage about him is the thin chain pulled across his vest and the pocketwatch at the end of that chain. The girls that giggle as they pass him in the hallways call him fashionable.

"_How classy,"_ they say. _"How mature." _

They don't know it serves to keep his homesickness at bay, which is good. Thaddeus does not quite know how he ended up here, more than a hundred years after his time, and to tell the truth, he catches himself expecting to wake up as if from a dream, but to give voice to his thoughts isn't going to do him any good. Thaddeus checks his pocketwatch before he tucks it back in its vest pocket, then adjusts his tie, which is green today.

The absurd customs of modern holidays are puzzling, but it helps to follow them.

A familiar red-head brushes past him, and he slings his messenger bag over his shoulder and falls in step with her.

"Good morning, Francine," Thaddeus' words are crisp and deliberate. Recently, his voice has dropped, which might explain why girls…react…when he speaks, but Fanny doesn't react like they do. She flinches, as always, but recovers, as always.

"How are you today?"

"Hi, Thaddeus," there's an Irish rugby team supporter scarf hanging around Fanny's neck and Thaddeus internally cringes. Last he remembered, the Irish were chronically lazy, dirty savages. "I'm kind of tired, actually."

"Oh?"

"Me mum dragged me out of bed fer mass at five am this morning," Fanny rubs her eyes. "It _is_ Saint Patrick's day. Can't celebrate it without goin' to church."

"Indeed. Are you really Irish?"

"My great, great grand-dad was the son of an Irish prince."

"…Really?"

"Probably," Fanny shrugs and gives a half-smile.

Thaddeus reminds himself why he's doing this. It's a smart match, one his father would have made if he were still around. The Fulbrights are powerful economically, and thus also politically and socially. The power is already at work, protecting Fanny from the deceitful girls who are dying to tear her apart. It is enough to outweigh Fanny's unfortunate ethnicity and disposition. Although to be fair, her personality has been less argumentative as of late. Perhaps she is growing out of it?

"Will you accompany me to Lime Ricky's this afternoon," he asks.

"Oh," Fanny actually stops in the hall and looks him up and down. "I'm sorry, Thaddeus. I really am, but I'm meetin' someone else then."

"I see," Thaddeus forces a smile.

"You alright?"

"Quite," Thaddeus lies through his teeth. "I'll see you in geometry."

Fanny flashes him a smile and rushes off. He watches her for three seconds before he begins to follow her.

_= = = Thaddeus is such a tool. Who seconds this motion? = = = _

Rachel and Patton wait until the halls are clear, then stagger out of the janitor's closet carrying a caulking gun, a funnel, two large bottles of…something, and another plastic bucket with a mixing stick.

"So," Rachel follows Patton down the hall, carrying the caulking gun. "What exactly are we doing? What is all this for?"

"These," Patton hefts the bucket with the two bottles. "These together make something called AB foam. All we do is mix them together, pour it in the locker and it expands and hardens all by itself."

"That sounds…really destructive. What about these?"

"That's there to keep the foam from oozing out," Patton stops in front of a locker. "We're gonna seal up the cracks before we mix up the foam."

"Won't it take a long time to cure?"

"It's silicone caulk. It should be alright in thirty minutes."

"Oh," Rachel looks at the caulking gun. "Okay. Whose locker is this?"

Patton stares as he takes the gun from her hands. "You don't know?"

"Know what?"

"Eh," Patton shakes his head and begins to seal the locker door. "I'm not surprised. You and Fanny've been really tight for the past two months. There wasn't any room for mention of anyone else."

"Huh?"

"This is Chad's locker. Chad Dickson; he's back."

"Bwuh, hey!" Rachel pushes Patton away from the locker. "He's a good guy!"

"Oh yeah," Patton lowers the gun and rolls his eyes. "Father doesn't break the necks of every kitten he comes across. Does that mean he's a good guy too?"

Rachel crosses her arms and scowls. "You know what I mean."

"Ugh, Rach, please. Sure, he's worked for the GKND, but that doesn't excuse him being a glory hole full of dick."

"Ew."

"Exactly! Listen."

The two of them pause and Rachel's brows go up.

"I don't hear anything."

"That is the universe telling us to balance Chad's karmic debt."

"B.S."

"It's true!"

"Total B.S."

"You say so now," Patton continues to caulk. "Because you haven't seen him. You know, I thought that with him being around a bunch of alien kids, that he'd change. Maybe become nicer. He'd come back and be chill and maybe he'd come with the guys to Lime Ricky's for a round."

Rachel wrinkles her nose. "You mean he hasn't changed?"

"Nope," Patton says. "The instant he got back, he fell right into Cree Lincoln's lap."

"Ew."

"Not literally!" Patton's eyes widen in horror as Rachel laughs. "So if he's gonna be an ass, then he might as well be treated like one."

"Maybe he's acting again?"

"Maybe that doesn't matter. You're free to pin a not-as-much-of-a-jerk-as-you-could've-been award to his chest. But I don't think that'll do any good."

"Hmm," Rachel thinks for a moment, then her eyes light up. "Oh, hey. What time is it?"

"Huh? Probably twelve. Everyone's at lunch right now."

"Oh! Okay," Rachel takes a few steps back.

"What?"

"I'm meeting Fanny for lunch!"

"Aw, what? You can't leave me here!"

"You shouldn't be doing this in the first place. Bye, broski!"

"Yeah whatever," Patton grumbles, but waves goodbye. "I'll meet you at Lime Ricky's later."

_= = = Please do not pour AB foam in school lockers. = = = _

Fanny bursts into a courtyard and is immediately snatched up by a pair of arms. "Ahh!"

"Whoa," Rachel says from behind her shoulder. "High-strung today, huh?"

"Rach," Fanny turns around and slaps her shoulder. "You dope. You ain't helpin' none."

"You okay?" Rachel brushes her thumbs over the shadows under Fanny's eyes.

"Not really. Woke up at four this morning fer five am mass."

"Huh?" Rachel leads them to a bench and they sit down. "Why?"

"Saint Patrick's the guy who rid Ireland of snakes. Not real ones though. It's a metaphor fer screwin' paganism. Real story's actually ugly and unfair."

"Oh," Rachel frowns. "I'm sorry?"

"Don't worry. I'll just slaughter a small mammal on an altar later in honor of my Druid ancestors."

Rachel pales. "Wh…"

"Geeze, yer gullible today."

"Oh. Oh!" Rachel drops her arm around Fanny's shoulders. "I thought…wow. It's your face, see. You look so tired, I can't tell."

"Ah, yeah, I almost fell asleep in first period today."

"Does that mean you don't wanna go see Sector V?"

"No, no. I'll come with," Fanny rummages around in her bag and brings out two thick sandwiches. "If only to keep you and Wally in line."

"We're harmless."

"Yer a disaster waiting to happen. Don't deny it. You've been different ever since you guys started hanging out."

"We've been over this. We aren't just hanging out; we're _working out_. And you like it."

"Er…no," Fanny turns away as her ears turn red. "Alright, maybe. Jeeze, you guys are such jocks. Eat your sandwich."

Thaddeus steps away from the thin window in the door as Rachel steals a kiss, then takes another step as Fanny smiles _(smiles)_ and kisses her back. Oh, no. Such a defect is unacceptable. Thankfully, there's a remedy for that. Thaddeus turns and heads for the Senior Patio, which hasn't been strictly for seniors in a decade. Instead, it is crawling with Teen Ninjas. A few boys from the sophomore football team steps in his way and leer at him. Thaddeus sighs and resists the urge to roll his eyes.

"I request an audience with Chad Dickson. I promise it's something that interests him."

_= = = They found him in Cree's lap. Kinda literally. Think of that how you will. = = = _

There is a cricket bat hidden behind the bar at Lime Ricky's, tucked between the dishwashers and the reserve bottles of soda. There is a baseball bat too; that one is propped between the ice machine and the mini-fridges with the jars of chopped fruits inside. After quite a few years of working at the bar, George finds them to be rather necessary, because now and then, a few older kids would decide – after a few pitchers of soda – that trashing the place is the only acceptable end to the evening.

When he first started, George was the bus-boy, and only eight years-old. He could not believe the amount of damage kids could cause. When he became the bartender at ten, George hired some kid to act as a bouncer, but that didn't last long at all. Now, George just swings a bat. Whichever one happens to be nearest at the time.

Today – or tonight, rather – George hopes against hope that the bats won't be necessary, but knows that it's in vain. There's a betting pool between him, Sonia the head chef, and some of the other staff as to who will be the ones to start the fighting this time. Already, Lime Ricky's is filled with a few suspects. It's tolerable until Rachel McKenzie and Fanny Fulbright come through the doors.

George loves them – honest – but he still checks the bat hidden to his left and cringes when he notices a few hairline cracks in the sweet spot.

It probably won't see the end of the night.

"George," Rachel has an Ireland rugby team supporter scarf draped around her neck and Fanny has several green bangles on her arm. "Happy Saint Patrick's day!"

"You too. Ay, Fulbright. You really a harp?"

"No. I'm Scottish. Scottish and Viking if you go back far enough."

George stares for a moment. "You feedin' me a line?"

"Haha!"

"You are," George chuckles and shakes his head. "You slay me."

"Is Patton here yet," Rachel asks. George shakes his head.

"Ain't seen him in a week."

"What about Abby," Fanny asks. "And Kuki?"

"Over there," George nods to a booth beside the bar. "Beside that coffin."

"Coffin?" The girls look at what looks like a vending machine and frown.

"What's the point of that," Rachel asks. "Are you trying to make yourself obsolete?"

"Calm down. It don't give just any coffin varnish. It gives _all of them_. Think of any flavor hooch ever. Think of all of them. Think of the stuff you never heard of! That right there has them all on tap and lets you mix them together. Like some Frankenstein, mad scientist gig. Hoagie whipped it up for the joint."

"Whoa," Rachel breathed. Fanny just stared. "Can we…can we try it?"

"Absolutely," George sets two old fashioned glasses on the bar, then slides an empty plastic pitcher towards them. "Knock yourselves out."

"It's okay, right," Kuki asks as she threads her fingers through Wally's fresh mohawk, making it stand up not unlike a rooster's comb. "It's not crooked or anything?"

"It's fine," Hoagie says. His voice is already a deep baritone and there are green button pins stuck in his hat. His glasses are actually tinted safety glasses and not prescription at all. "Stop fussing."

"Oh, but," Kuki twists her hands in her lap as Wally glares at Hoagie. "It's just…alright."

Abby smiles. "Don't worry, baby. It looks nice."

"Thanks," Kuki and Wally say at the same time, then turn red. Abby and Hoagie give each other a knowing smirk.

"Och, the lot of you can cut loose now," Fanny appears with Rachel beyond her. The both of them carry glasses and a pitcher full of deep red soda. "We have arrived."

"Oy," Wally lifts a glass full of orange soda. "Where ya been? Where's Patton?"

"I don't know," Rachel frowns. "I hope nothing bad happened."

"We were draining the blood of a newborn deer," Fanny holds up the pitcher in her hands. "This is it. It's mixed with spices."

There's an amazed silence which Kuki fills with a half-sob. Fanny rolls her eyes.

"I swear t' Zero, the lot of you are thicker than bricks. _It's a joke_."

"Honey, with your reputation, nobody can tell," Abby scoots a little towards Hoagie, who puts an arm around her, then gestures to Kuki. "Come on, now. Make room."

"Nice shirt," Hoagie nods towards, Fanny, who looks down at the _Bad Wolf_ graphic on her t-shirt. "I didn't know you watched that show."

"Yeah…" Fanny trails off. "No. It's…not mine."

"Then whose is it?"

"Oh, it's," Rachel stops short when Fanny elbows her in the ribs. "Not…mine?"

"What I want to know is what's in that soda," Kuki says as she scoots. She rearranges her skirt to keep it from wrinkling.

"It's raspberry," Rachel puts it down on the table before she and Fanny sit down. "And root beer. What is that?"

"This?" Wally pushes forward the half-empty orange pitcher. "Orange and vanilla soda. Like a creamsicle."

"Eh, it's okay," Hoagie empties his glass and grimaces, then reaches for the other pitcher. "But it's too sweet. Gimme some deer blood."

"Yes! A round of deer blood for everyone," Fanny fills up all the empty glasses. She pauses at Kuki's glass, which is still half-full of lemonade. "Kuki, what is that?"

"It's not soda," Kuki gives an apologetic smile. "I get weird on soda."

"She gets red," Hoagie grins. "She'll stop traffic, that's how red she gets."

"Hoagie!" Kuki reaches behind Abby and flicks him in the back of the head. "Meanie. I can't help it. Besides, Abby isn't drinking either and you don't pick on her."

"That's different, Kuki," Hoagie lifts his arm from Abby's shoulder long enough to flick Kuki back. "Abby has beliefs."

"Really," Rachel asks as she turns her glass around her hands. "What beliefs?"

"Can yeh guess?" Wally grins. "We ordered a whoppin' pizza – we're still waitin' on it – but it ain't got any pork."

"Oh," Rachel looks at Abby, who nods. "When did that start?"

"About a month ago," Abby says. "She takin' lessons from Maurice."

"Are you gonna wear…" Rachel makes a gesture over the top of her head. "You know…"

"Nah," Abby shakes her head. "Only while in the mosque, but it ain't Abby's style outside it."

"Good for you."

"Thanks, baby."

"That's legit," Fanny says. Abby grins and lifts her glass of water in a toast. "What about this one?"

Everyone looks at Kuki, who fidgets.

"…I don't know, you guys."

"Peer pressure," Rachel whispers.

"Yeah, peer pressure," Hoagie says. The two of them snicker at each other.

"Peer pressure."

"Peer pressure."

"Pressure from your peers."

"Okay, fine!" Kuki tosses her head and pouts.

"Yay!" Hoagie and Rachel high-five each other.

"But only one. And not the deer blood," Kuki finishes her lemonade and lets Rachel pour her some creamsicle soda.

"Kuki, you don't have to," Wally says, but Kuki holds up her hand.

"It's okay. It's just one. What harm can it do?"

"Chug it," Hoagie says. He and Rachel share a look of unbridled glee.

"Yeah, chug it!"

"Chug it, Kuki…"

_= = = FIVE MINUTES LATER… = = = _

"Uhm, this shirt…" Kuki slurs as she tugs on her collar. Wally's eyes widen in horror and the others pause halfway through their pizza slices. "It's…is hot. And itchy."

"Whoa," Fanny breathes. "She's _red_."

"I told you," Hoagie whispers. Abby nudges him in the ribs.

"Baby, keep your shirt on."

"But…"

"Please."

"Uhm," the blush doesn't stop at Kuki's face. It goes down her neck and dips past her shirt collar. It even spreads down her arms. "Nope." Her fingers find the hem of her shirt and she lifts. "…Is too hot."

"Child, please," Abby reaches out and stays Kuki's hands. "We in public."

"I don't…I don't care."

"Clearly," Abby looks at Fanny. "Come on, you still sober. Help a sister out?"

Fanny sets down her second glass of soda and pushes a slice of pizza towards Kuki.

"Yer plastered, Kuki. You need to eat something. It'll dilute it."

"Umm, okay."

A loud, boom filled the room, making everyone pause. George reaches under the bar counter and takes hold of the solid cricket bat and – with his other hand – presses the panic button, which alerts Sonia (the head chef) and the other kitchen staff that there's something wrong. Everyone in the booth turns towards the door and waits. Fanny curses under her breath when she reaches for a gun that isn't there.

"What's going on," Hoagie asks as he stands up. Modified toy guns appear in his and Abby's hands when the steady thuds keep on coming. "Is it the fuzz?"

"Maybe it's the KND," Wally says as he and Rachel begin wrapping their hands. "Though I dunno why they'd be pissed. Lime Ricky's has been teen fer years. Kids got their own soda joint now, right?"

"Yeah, they go to Shirley's," Fanny says. "My brothers tell me it's great. They serve ice cream there too."

"Ice cream?" Hoagie stares. "That's awesome! Why don't we have ice cream here?"

BOOM.

The door splinters and falls in, revealing a posse of armored Teen Ninjas. They all rush in, but before they can harass anyone, George jumps the bar with the cricket bat and Hoagie, Abby and Rachel jump on the nearest ninjas.

"It's a bar fight!" Virginia cackles and breaks her glass over the head of one of the ninjas. Bartie stares at her with his jaw hanging.

"No, not a bar fight," George shouts before he whips the cricket bat into the side of a ninja's head. "Evacuate through the kitchen!"

"But…"

"Evacuate now!"

"Listen to the man, Gin," Bartie grabs her, throws her over his shoulder and heads for the kitchen. "We need to go."

"No," Virginia's voice fades as the both of them go into the kitchen. "Getting in a bar fight is on my bucket list!"

"Wait, wait," Wally holds up his hands as a Teen Ninja makes as if to punch him from across the table. He points at Kuki, who's fast asleep on his shoulder. "Don't wake her up, man."

The Teen Ninja shrugs and steps back, then Wally turns to Kuki and carefully moves her so that she's lying in the booth.

"Kuki…"

"Mmm."

"…We're being attacked. I'm gonna help fight 'em off."

"Uhm."

"I'll be back okay? Just don't move."

Kuki just curls up in the booth and falls asleep.

"Are we good?" the Teen Ninja's voice is muffled through his helmet. "Can we do this now?"

"Yeah," Wally looks him up and down, then kicks the table over at him.

"Hrrrk," a different Teen Ninja gurgles as he slowly blacks out. Rachel has him around the throat and lowers him to the ground. She only lets go when his grip loosens from her shirt collar.

Rachel looks up from her place on the ground. George is fighting a Teen Ninja who is trying to break every bottle at the bar. Wally has his Teen Ninja in a headlock and Hoagie and Abby are keeping the other Teen Ninjas from going into the kitchen. Then her eyes fall upon Fanny, who's in the middle of being dragged out the door by her ankle.

Fanny puts up quite a fight, as she picks up any refuse she comes across and throws them at the Teen Ninja, but they just bounce off her helmet.

"No," Rachel yells, but before she can get up, someone behind her reaches around and holds a folded cloth against her nose and mouth, and she crumples.

"Wha- hey," Wally yells as all the Teen Ninjas retreat out the door. It takes two people to carry Rachel out the door with them. "What the hell, man? I thought we were having fun!"

"Fuck you," the Teen Ninja flips him off as he scampers out the door after the two carrying Rachel. "Kiss my ass!"

"No, you kiss my ass! You…ass-kisser. Oy," Wally runs out after them, but stops when two unmarked vans peel away from the curb, taking all the Teen Ninja's with them. "Oy! Tsk."

"Yo, squirt," Abby appears over his shoulder, a little out of breath. "Where'd they all go?"

"I don't know! These blowjobs just loaded up and took off."

Abby frowns at his language, but doesn't say anything about it. "In which direction?"

"Both," Wally crosses his arms. "They took two cars. They took Rachel."

"They took Fanny too," Abby screws up her face as she thinks. "Two cars for two girls, huh? They probably took them to different places."

"Or maybe they did it t' keep 'em from raisin' hell? I've sparred with Rachel once," Wally holds up a finger. "Just once. To see if she still had it. Girl ain't a pistol, she's a frickin' machine gun. If she's trouble on her own, then she and Fanny together will just be worse."

"Hmm…then chances are; the both of them will be back before we know it."

"…But?"

"But we should still help them. It's the friendly thing to do. That and we can make them pay for the damage to George's bar. Come on, sport," Abby ruffles Wally's hair. "You need to carry Kuki onto the ship."

"Wait, carry?" Wally starts and his face turns deep red, but he follows Abby back inside. "You mean like touch her?"

_= = = Kuki was so squirmy that he almost dropped her twice. = = = _

"Ugh," Rachel cringes away from the bright light shining in her face. She tries to rub her eyes, but finds that her hands are tied behind her back. Her ankles are tied together too. At least whoever did it has the courtesy to tie her to a chair.

"Numbuh effing Zero," Rachel turns away from the light. "Can you point that somewhere else?"

"Apologies, Supreme Leader, sir," whoever it is, he isn't sorry at all, but the light goes away, letting her eyes adjust.

"…You know who I am?" Rachel pauses as her eyes sweep the room. It's bare, concrete, dim. The door is made of heavy steel. "Are you going to kill me? Please let me go. Please, please. Whatever it is you want, you'll have it. Just name it. Please? God, please!"

"Aw, don't worry your pretty head," the boy's awful smug. "Just cooperate with us and Chad'll let you go. No problem."

Rachel heaves a sob. "Really? You promise? You need codes? DNA? Money?"

The boy snickers. "It's got nothing to do with that toddler stuff."

"So what does he want? Please, I'm so scared."

"Like I said; don't worry. Chad's meeting up with our client right now, but I promise he'll be here as soon he's done."

"Well, let's hope it's a long meeting then," Rachel stops blubbering so abruptly that the boy steps back, as if physically hit. She sighs, completely dry-eyed. "Okay, I'm stumped. If you wanted to kill me, you'd have done it by now. If you wanted info, you'd be pumping me instead of giving it up. You're not waiting for a ransom or anything like that. It must be business. Who the heck commissioned you guys to do this? Where is Fanny? Where's Patton?"

The boy gives a nervous laugh. "You forget who's tied up here. How'd you know we had Patton?"

"I didn't until you told me just now," Rachel shrugs and the rope around her chest loosens and falls to her lap. "See, I just can't help but feel bad for you, dude. You think you're all hard and stuff, trying to make me cry by locking yourself in here with me."

"Why?" the boy asks out of reflex. His eyes are frozen on the useless rope. "It works for all the others."

"Oh, yeah. I don't doubt that," Rachel brings her unbound hands out from behind her and rubs the blood back into them. "But this time, you locked yourself in here with _me_."

_= = = This part has been censored. Please feel free to imagine the events that have been cut out. = = = _

Chad, with a cardboard box tucked under his arm, watches the Teen Ninja they pulled from Rachel's cell from the doorway. The poor boy's armor is deactivated, so that he can better wrap himself up in a thick blanket and shiver in a corner. He's unharmed and silent, but whenever someone asks him what happened, he begins crying. A different Teen Ninja whispers a report in Chad's ear.

"She surrendered peacefully, sir," she whispers. Chad nods and walks off and she jogs a little to keep up. "Didn't need to be sedated at all. We put her in a steel chair. With cuffs. And chains." She holds up a key ring and Chad stares. There are about a dozen keys on the ring. "These should free her if you want."

"Thanks," Chad takes the keys.

"…I do not recommend you do though," she says before she walks off. "Please, sir. For all our sakes."

Chad pauses before the heavy metal door and shuffles the box from one arm to the other, then unlocks the door and steps inside. Just as the Teen Ninja promised, Rachel sits in a metal chair in the middle of the cell. Her hands are cuffed to the arms of the chair and her ankles are cuffed to the legs of the chair. Heavy chains streak across her chest and over her shoulders. There are even chains snaked around her waist and her shins and all of them are padlocked shut. Despite the mass of chains on her, Rachel is the definition of calm. The only sign of discomfort is the way her fingers drum erratically against the arms of the chair, as if she's tapping piano keys.

"McKenzie," Chad says. He sets the cardboard box on the floor and Rachel barely glances at it.

"Dickson."

"You ditched your distressed damsel routine early this time."

Rachel tries to shrug. "It wouldn't have worked on you."

"True."

"What happened?" Rachel asks. "I thought you were undercover. I thought you were with the GKND?"

"They never picked me," Chad growls out. "I did all this stuff, thinking they'd tap me and I'd go. But they never did. I wasted my time."

"Huh?" Rachel stammers a bit. "But you did go. You left for years. Last I checked, Infinity was gonna promote you."

Chad scoffs at her. "Are you high? I've been here on Earth the entire time."

"No, you were gone! Everyone said so, why can't you remember? You were," Rachel stops looks Chad up and down. "No."

"What?"

"No way," Rachel whispers to herself. "They _decommissioned_ you. Something went wrong and they had to _put you away_."

"What are you talking about?"

There's a mix of wonder, fear, and loathing on Rachel's face. "What did you _do_, Chad? What have you _done_?"

"I went evil," Chad shouts. "Like I should've done from the start! It's way more profitable and satisfying than anything else I've done. Actually," Chad pauses and thinks. "I don't think I went evil. Mercenary, more like. We work for the highest bidder."

"Still kinda evil."

"Least I ain't a _freak_," Chad sneers. "I thought Thad was crazy, saying you and Fanny were dating. I mean, what the hell? I thought you had taste."

"Thad- oh geeze," Rachel sighs. "Thunderpatch Strangerdanger? He's your client?"

"His name's Thaddeus."

"Okay, what's his name, Thumbelina! Whatever! Why? Whoever we choose to be with is nobody else's business."

"It is too my business," Chad crosses his arms and leers down at her. "I couldn't give a crap about Fanny, but you? I mean, what a waste."

"Oh, so you're gonna fix me?"

"Yup," Chad opens the cardboard box and brings out a Boyfriend Helmet ™. "Check it."

"Great," Rachel groans and rolls her eyes. "Fan-freaking-tastic. Who are you gonna pair me up with?"

Chad just grins and waggles his eyebrows.

"…No," Rachel says.

"That's what I said too, when Thaddeus told me his plan. But I thought about it and it's like, why the hell not? We're both pretty good-looking. Smart too. We'd be all set."

"Answer's still no. I'm serious. You're crossing the line twice here, Chad," Rachel cringes as he sets the helmet down on her head. "Eww."

"Don't worry; we'll be a wonderful couple," Chad steps back and fiddles with the settings on the controller.

"To hell with this," Rachel mutters as she slips out of the handcuffs and pulls at the padlocks that, to Chad's horror, simply unlock and fall useless to the sides. She shrugs and all the chains, even the ones around her legs, fall to the floor with a clatter.

"What the fuck?" But before Rachel can spring at him, Chad presses the button and Rachel recoils as the helmet sends an electric current through her body, including the implantable cardioverter-defibrillator (ICD) in Rachel's chest. It's too much energy for the electronic chip to handle, so the ICD releases all the power it has into Rachel's heart, the rest of her body, and into the Boyfriend Helmet ™ as some horrific sort of payback.

"Hnnnggg…" Rachel falls to the floor and clutches her chest. The light bulbs on the helmet flicker, painting a dazzling lightshow on the walls of the cell. Chad raises a hand to block some of it out.

The lights get stronger and stronger, until one by one, the light bulbs burst, until they're all gone and the entire cell is plunged in darkness. Chad presses up against the door of the cell, his knuckles white as he grips the controller.

"…Rachel?"

There's a horrible scratching noise as something skitters across the floor and nudges Chad's sneaker. Slowly, he reaches down and finds that it's the Boyfriend Helmet ™, busted and smoking. "How'd you do it? How'd you break it?"

"…I don't know," Rachel's voice is pained and breathless, on the verge of crying. "I don't know, I don't know." She trails off and is silent for a moment, then, "Do you know why you were undefeated? While you were with the KND, I mean. Do you know why your sparring record was spotless?"

"Well, yeah," Chad scoffs. "It's because I was the best. Still am."

"No," Rachel whispers. A shiver runs up Chad's spine. "It's because you never fought _me_."

Chad whips around at the crunch of broken glass. "Hah! Gotch-urk!"

The broken glass was a distraction. Rachel reaches from the other direction and crosses her arm over his throat in a specific way and squeezes, effectively choking him. She also pulls back, dragging him away from the door and keeping him from kicking back at her. Chad raises his hands and pulls, but can't get her grip loose. So he reaches back and tries to claw her, but Rachel's face is out of reach. The two of them fall to the floor.

"Hrrk," Chad struggles to breathe. "Hurts…"

"Screw you, Chad," Rachel whispers from behind him. "I promise it doesn't hurt as much as that damn helmet. Where's Fanny?" Rachel hisses as Chad jams his elbows into her sides, then tightens her grip. "Wrong answer. Let's try again. Where's Fanny?"

But it's in vain. Chad goes limp in her arms and after a moment, Rachel pushes him away.

"Son of a bleep-blop," Rachel picks up the key ring and staggers to her feet. "Ugh." Her hand darts out and rests against the wall as she steadies herself. She almost crumples to the floor again. "Ow…" After a few breaths, she unlocks the door and stumbles out, still holding her chest.

The Teen Ninja base is a warehouse. The first Teen Ninja she comes across, she kicks in the shin and tosses over the railing into a thick pile of pallets. The next one, she slaps her hands over his ears, knees him in the stomach and throws him off to the side. But she stops when she gets to the bottom of the stairs, because she's surrounded by the rest of the Ninjas, armed to the teeth and aiming laser guns at her from behind a makeshift barrier.

"Rachel McKenzie," one of them shouts through a bullhorn. "Please return to your cell or we will be forced to open fire."

_= = = Mighty McKenzie: 1 Douchebag Dickson: 0 = = = _

Is this the first cliffhanger in this fic? *goes and checks* Yeah, this is the first cliffhanger in this fic. Wow, this is such a step! I'm so sorry for doing it, but I'm already at 5 grand in words for this chapter and this is a good place to pause between chapters.

Note Bene: So I've read a lot of Victorian stuff and done some research and taken some classes, so I kind of know how the world was like during Numbuh 19th Century's time. Some of it's fantastic and the rest of it is really, really ugly. Like no joke. So that explains Thaddeus' character development.

Deer blood is a thing; people do mix raspberry stuff with beer, or root beer, but it's not called deer blood. It's just called a beer mixed with raspberry syrup. Boring. So boring.

Abby is exploring her Muslim heritage, and Muslims do not eat pork and they do not drink alcohol. It's actually a personal choice among Muslim women whether or not they want to cover their hair and Abby chooses not to do it.

Kuki's one of those Asians who really cannot handle alcohol. She really can't. She's almost allergic.

The hold Rachel uses on Chad is a Rear Naked Choke, the version with clasped hands. It's a very painful compared to other holds, which reveals the depth of dislike Rachel has for Chad and only Chad. She learned it just for him.

-Arty


	7. St Patrick's Day cont

Rachel groans as she presses the heel of her hand into her sternum. The insides of her chest feel as if they are on fire and her vision blurs and her legs threaten to give out. She leans against the concrete wall and hates, _hates_ how she must look to all the Teen Ninjas; weak. Even more so than the impression she first gave to them.

"Rachel McKenzie," one of the Teen Ninjas shouts through a bullhorn. A familiar green scarf hangs around his neck. "Please return to your cell, or we will be forced to open fire."

She tilts her head as she looks around at them. Their faces blur together and she loses feeling in her legs. "Okay."

"Uh…" the one with the bullhorn falters. And all the guns around him dip towards the floor. "Really?"

"Really, really. But you gotta do something for me first."

All the guns lift up again. "…What is it?"

"Gimme the scarf," Rachel holds out her hand. "Just toss it over and I'll turn back around. Promise."

Before he can toss it over though, a burning rag is lobbed through the air. Rachel squints and gasps. It isn't just a burning rag; it's a burning rag that's been plugged up into a glass bottle full of an unknown liquid. Rachel lets herself collapse onto the floor just as the Molotov Cocktail hits the ground in the middle of the Teen Ninja barricade.

BOOM.

Miraculously, none of the Teen Ninjas die. The few that are hit are protected by their armor, and they run off, swatting at themselves and screaming obscenities. Some have lost hair and eyebrows, and others flee the scene as more cocktails are tossed at them.

BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.

Rachel winces as a shard of glass bounces off her shoulder. With all the fire around, she probably smells like burning things. After a while, when the sounds of the Teen Ninjas have faded in the distance, Rachel tries to get up, but finds that she's unable to, so she rolls over onto her back. Gray seeps in from the corners of her vision and a familiar silhouette comes into view.

"Zero," Patton's lip is split and his left eye is almost swollen closed. "You look like crap."

"Hello, pot, my name is kettle. It's nice to meet you," Rachel whispers. "How?"

"Abby broke in for you and found him instead," Abby joins Patton next to Rachel. "Your…uh," Abby taps her heart. "It had a FUBAR chip in it or something. Kuki activated it. But now, it's gone. Just stopped. Honey, I ain't never seen you like this. What happened?"

"Got…electrocuted," Rachel paws at her collarbone as the gray closes in. She mumbles something else, then blacks out.

The next time she wakes up, it's to a light shining in her face. She's lying on something cold, her shirt is missing and she's covered in surgical paper drape.

"Oh dear," Kuki says from above her. Her long, black hair is tied back in a messy bun and she's wearing a surgical mask and latex gloves. Kuki disappears for a moment, then returns with a sedation mask, which she puts over Rachel's nose and mouth. "Breathe. And keep your hands down, please. I'm working on you."

"Kuki?"

"Yes'm?" Kuki's eyes crinkle, betraying her smile behind the mask. "Don't you worry. I'll patch you up banana split."

"Uh," Abby says from further away. "You mean, 'lickety-split?'"

"Where am I?" Rachel murmurs, still groggy.

"TND sectors don't get treehouses," Kuki explains as she swipes Rachel's left collarbone with alcohol. "We only get vehicles. So we helped Hoagie put this one together from RV and bus scraps. It's like home on the go!"

"I'll give you a tour later," Abby says. She's sitting in what looks like the driver's seat of an RV. In fact, the entire inside of the …bus…from what Rachel could see, looks like it was pulled from an RV. Abby reaches out and turns a knob on the dash, and jazz music reaches Rachel's ears.

"Oh, I love this song," Kuki hums along as she finishes prepping Rachel and brings out a scalpel with a flourish of her wrist. "Ta-da!"

Rachel cranes her neck and finds that she's lying down on some makeshift operating table made from the booth in the kitchen. Beyond Kuki and Rachel, the rest of the bus is dim.

"…You're operating on me in the kitchen."

"That's right!" Kuki says, a little too perky.

"Wow, this reeks of a back-alley deal."

"Silly," Kuki giggles. "Of course we're parked in an alley right now! That's the only right way to do this kind of thing. Hey, have you seen _Alien_? You know the part where the thing bursts out from the poor guy's chest? Just: bleargh. That part?"

"Yeah, sure. What about it?"

"_Bleargh,"_ Kuki says in a raspy voice as she pulls the broken ICD from Rachel's chest. It's slick with fluid and blood and it's warm, no different than any other internal organ. _"I am Chestburster, hear me roar!"_

"Eww," but instead of cringing, Rachel bursts into laughter. "Hahaha! Sick, man. That's sick."

"Oh, you like that?" Kuki disconnects the ICD from the wires that snake deeper into Rachel's body and sets it aside, then takes the replacement ICD, still in its sterilized package, from a bowl of hot water.

"She woulda never laughed if it weren't for that laughing gas," Abby says as she flips through Hoagie's edition of _Mechanical Engineering Monthly_.

"Hush, you. I will take what I can get," Kuki rips open the packaging of the replacement ICD and connects that one to the wires, then pushes it in under the skin where the old one used to be.

"Is it too cold?"

"It's fine," Rachel says. "How did you know about my ICD? I thought…Fanny…"

"Fanny told me just in case something like this happened," Kuki takes up a suture and begins to sew the cut closed. "It's a…medic thing. She lends jurisdiction of you to me if she can't do it, and I lend jurisdiction of Sector V to her if I can't do it."

"I heard laughing," Patton pushes aside the heavy curtain separating the back of the bus from the kitchen. He holds an ice pack tenderly to his face. "Is…oh!" He spins around and shrinks away. "Zero's saggy sack!"

"It's okay," Kuki says. "She's still got her bra on. And these drapes."

"You cut her open! She's bleeding."

"She's going to be okay," Kuki rolls her eyes. "Calm down."

"What about him," Rachel asks. It seems she doesn't care about her lack of clothes for the moment. "Does he count too?"

"Oh, him? Isn't he your friend?"

"Yeah, he's my bro."

"And he was in the old Sector W with you and Fanny, right? Before all of your brothers took over."

"…Yeah."

"So he counts," Kuki finishes sewing and cuts the suture, then takes the mask off of Rachel's face.

"_He's_ right here," Patton mutters. "Let me know when you're decent."

"Almost done," Kuki tapes a bandage over the cut. "There you go." She pulls off the drapes and points to the kitchen counter, where Rachel's shirt and coat are folded and waiting. On top of them is the green rugby scarf, stained with soot, but otherwise intact.

"Oh good," Rachel staggers over, still a little light-headed, and pulls on her shirt. "You got Fanny's scarf too. So when are we going after Fanny?" Rachel asks as she pulls on her shirt. "You can look now, Pat."

"What do you mean?" Abby asks. "By 'we?'"

"Oh no," Kuki frowns at her. "You are not going anywhere, ma'am. You are going straight to bed and I am going to keep you there."

"Wh…first, I feel fine, so I'm going to save Fanny," Rachel drapes the scarf over her shoulders. "Second, even if I was tired, where would I stay? There are only four beds."

"Six," Abby says. "Two extra because we pick up peeps sometimes. Sometimes it's Bartie and Virginia who tag along to missions."

"There," Kuki says. "See? You have a bunk. And as for the feeling fine part, well…that might be the anesthesia."

"I don't need rest! I'm fine."

"Then catch," Abby tears out a few pages of the magazine and balls them up, then tosses them at Rachel. Rachel's eyes watch the paper ball as it sails through the air, and her hand comes up, but it ends up bouncing off of her shoulder and rolling across the ground. An unsteady silence falls over the bus. Even Kuki pauses in cleaning up the operating table, which folds down into the booth table.

"You ain't any good to Fanny the way you are now," Abby says, apologetic. "If you get out there, then you gonna die, and she'll need you intact when we _do_ bring her back."

Rachel grinds her teeth and her eyes flash, but Abby holds up her hands.

"Girl please. I will slap that recklessness right out yo' mouth."

"…Fine!" Rachel gives Patton an appraising look, then looks at Kuki, then Abby. "But you have to find her," Rachel whispers. "You. You're in charge."

Abby nods, and Rachel disappears behind the curtain. Right after she disappears, Abby turns to Patton. "What about you?"

"Uh, what?" Patton slides into the kitchen booth. "What do you mean, what about me?"

"Ain't Fanny your ex?" Abby pauses when Patton's cheeks turn pink. "Ain't it personal, your ex getting kidnapped?"

"Uhm, uh," Patton stammers for a moment, then shakes his head. Before Abby can say anything else, a muffled crash sounds from the behind the curtain and Wally yells:

"Oh fer Chrissakes, noobs take the bottom bunks!" He bursts out from behind the curtain, looking quite cross, and plops down in the kitchen booth across from Patton. "Oy."

"Hey."

"How's the other guy look?"

"I set him on fire."

"Oh shit," Wally snickers. "Set him on fire, huh? Hey, you one of them explodey types, right? Like Virginny?"

"Nothing like her," Patton looks both insulted and afraid all at once. "She never passed her tests in the KND."

Hoagie emerges from the back of the bus, still disheveled from sleep, and passes by them all to get to the front. He eases himself into the passenger seat next to Abby and sighs.

"Hi."

"Hey, baby," Abby says, but her eyes have a faraway look to them. "Something doesn't add up."

"Hmm?"

"Yeah. Say Kuki was missing, say Wally was missing. Not at the same time, but still. Hypothetically, what would you do?"

Hoagie's face screws up in thought. "I'd…help you guys look for whoever was missing. I'd help Kuki look for Wally. I'd help Wally look for Kuki."

"And what if it was me who was missing?"

"I'd," anger flashes through his eyes. "I'd look for you myself!"

"And if you were bedridden? What if you couldn't look for me?"

Hoagie's silent for a cool minute, and while he thinks he reaches out. Without missing a beat, Abby reaches out too and catches his hand in hers.

"Only hypothetically, right?"

"Only hypothetically," Abby squeezes his hand.

"Okay," Hoagie relaxes and tilts his head. "I'd call up Rachel and get her to look for you."

"Rachel?"

"Yeah, I mean, no offense to Kuki and Wally, but I don't think they'd be enough. If someone's locking you up, then that's serious. And well…even if you weren't so kick ass, I'd still trust you to Rachel. There's something about you spy types. It's kinda scary sometimes."

"What if you were missing?" Abby mumbles to herself. "What would _I_ do?" Her eyes settle on his hat. "What would I _wear_?"

"Huh?"

"Her scarf," Abby says. "It was Fanny's scarf. Oh Hoagie, I think Rachel's a lot more desperate about this than we think."

"Yeah, she was pretty upset. But of course she is. They're best friends, right?"

"…Yeah," Abby sighs and her eyes become steely. "Yeah. Listen, you still got everyone's phone number?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Our lead for now is Fanny's cell phone. Turn on that computer in the living room."

_= = = Rachel's totally cuddling on that scarf in her bunk. = = = _

"_Hey," Rachel says to Fanny. She's still a tiny slip of a girl, dressed in a dark sweater with band-aids stuck over her knees. Sounds of chaos echo around them and they only get louder. There are explosions too, Fanny remembers they're courtesy of Patton, but there's only so much he can do to stall the horde chasing them down. _

"_Do you know how to use these?" Rachel raises her fists. Her knuckles are scuffed and her sleeves fall to her elbows, revealing a few scabs on the outsides of her forearms. Fanny takes a step back. For Zero's sake, she's a medic, not a fighter. _

"_No."_

"_Good," Rachel grins and Fanny notices that one of her front teeth is missing. "I don't want you to fight. I want you to run." _

"_What?"_

"_Run! Run and don't look back, and you won't get caught." And with that, Rachel turns and sprints around the corner to help Patton. _

Fanny wakes up in a Solitary Confinement jail cell without her purse or her cell phone. Fading sunlight filters in through a small window high up, and the tiny peep window in the heavy metal door is covered.

"Oh, Rach," Fanny whispers. "You never told me what to do in case I _did_ get caught."

The door is unlocked and opened by two guards, and Thaddeus steps through. For the second time that day, Fanny's hand goes to her hip for a gun that isn't there.

"You," Fanny gapes at him. "You did this? You had the teen Ninjas attack Lime Ricky's? You had me taken away?"

"Good evening, Francine," Thaddeus ignores her. "You are supposed to be reflecting on your mistakes. And then repenting."

Fanny hesitates. "Define 'mistake.'"

Thaddeus looks her in the eye. "Rachel McKenzie."

"How did you…Yeh know what? I don't care how you found out. Where am I?"

"You are under the protection and responsibility of these good people, the…er," Thaddeus pauses as one of the guards hands him a business card. "The Right Path."

"The Right – The Right Path?" Fanny sighs and buries her face in her hands. "You sent me to a _straight camp_?"

"They promise results," Thaddeus watches her. "And I need results, Francine."

"You're not going to get any," Fanny says. "I don't know if it's immersion therapy or whatever, but if it is, it won't work."

"How do you know?"

"Been there, done that. I've kissed a boy before, and it didn't do anything for me."

"Perhaps he wasn't much of a boy to begin with. What was his name?"

"Er," Fanny looks him up and down. "His name isn't important. Yer a bit nosy about all this, aren't you? What do you lose if I'm not into you?"

"…Shall I be frank?" Thaddeus sighs and continues when Fanny doesn't answer. "It's your father's money. His company too. Sooner or later, your father is going to pass on his worldly goods to someone. You're not a son, but you are the eldest, and since the world today is alarmingly progressive, chances are it'll all be passed down to you. To you and to your husband."

"Yer insane," Fanny whispers. "I love Rachel, and nothing you, or these people, can do that will ever change that."

"You're 'love' is logically impossible and also delusional. It is a farce."

"Feck you and your impossible. And yer shoddy logic. And you can stick your approval up yer arse, 'cause I don't need it. Y'know, you have no idea what you've gotten yourself into and you are going to regret doing any of this. I'd almost feel sorry, if yeh weren't such a despicable boy."

"As long as you think that, you'll stay here," Thaddeus steps out of the cell and the guards move to close the door. "No food, no water."

"You're going to end up killing me."

"No, I'm going to break you. Everyone has a point, and you'll reach yours soon. Things must be broken down after all, before they can be rebuilt. And when I'm done here, you will be far better than you have ever been. Good day, Francine. I shall see you tomorrow."

The door shuts with a hollow thud.

_= = = So…do any of you hate Thaddeus yet? I dunno, I'm just wondering. = = = _

As soon as the door shuts, a ring tone sounds from Thaddeus' pocket. It's Fanny's cell phone, and he answers it.

"Good evening."

"_Oh, this works,"_ Abby's voice sounds from the other end. _"Who is this?" _

"My name is Thaddeus Daughenbaugh," Thaddeus sets off down the hall. "Who is this?"

"_This is Agent Abby of the TND."_

"Pleasure, Agent…Abigail. What can I do for the TND?"

"_Where is Fanny? I know you have her."_

Thaddeus snickers. "I wasn't born yesterday, Agent. You will never drag our location from my lips. I will not produce her for you, or for anyone else."

"_Fine. Let's not talk about specifics. How is Fanny? Are you able to answer that question?" _

"She's safe. She won't be harmed."

"_Would you give your word on that?" _

"She's _fine_. And she'll be more than fine by the time I'm through with her. Goodbye, Agent Abigail, we won't be talking again." Thaddeus hangs up and stuffs the phone in his trouser pocket.

Seven states away, in a patchwork bus-RV that's covered in street art, Abigail Lincoln drops the bus's receiver onto its hook and turns to Hoagie. He's at a computer terminal that's built into the side of the small living room.

"Well? Did you hear that?"

"_Our,"_ Hoagie removes his headphones and leans back in his chair. "He didn't say 'her location,' he said 'our location.'"

The corner of Abby's mouth turns up. "So when we find him, we'll find her too."

"I love GPS," Hoagie grins as he taps a red dot on a browser map. "Gave up an address within the second he picked up."

"Can you take us there?"

"Yeah," Hoagie stood up and stretched. "Sober enough."

"Good, because when we land, you'll be the one who makes sure Rachel don't leave the bus."

"Yea-wait, what?"

"Kuki, Wally, Patton," Abby takes hold of a handle scavenged from a subway car as Hoagie steers the vehicle into the sky. "After I scout out and report back, I give you the plan and then it's your turn, so be ready."

"Even me?" Patton points at himself.

"Especially you," Abby says. "The way this night is going, we're gonna end up burning something to the ground. Maybe a whole building. Can you do that?"

Patton's grin is so wide it almost splits his lip again. "I can totally do that." He looks around. "Do you have any batteries?"

"Uh," Wally peeks in the pantry. "We got laser guns."

"Good enough, I'll need to crack those open." Instead of waiting for a reply, Patton dashes into the kitchen. "What about chemicals? Wires? Tools?" Patton pulls out a couple pans and puts them on the stove, then pulls on a pair of latex gloves.

"I got tools in the loft," without turning away from the wheel, Hoagie points to a hidden compartment in the ceiling above the cockpit, where there are sleeping bags, other kinds of gear, and cases strapped down. "Chemicals are in the floor in the living room. Some of them are mine, some are Abby's, others are Kuki's. Everything you need, broski. But will you have enough time? We'll be there in four hours."

"Eeeh," Patton waves it away. "It's more than enough time. Ladies, Wally, stand back. I'm gonna show you how to pass a KND explosives specialist test."

Unfortunately, by the time they land and Abby sets out on her scouting mission, he only succeeds in setting fire to the kitchen two times, has to throw out his first batch of…whatever he is trying to make, and burns his fingertips while soldering clipped wires from a broken laser gun. Hoagie and Wally laugh so hard that they cry, even while they crack the windows of the bus to air the place out.

"Come on, you guys," Kuki giggles as she treats Patton's burns. "He _did_ make all this other stuff."

"Yeah, what is this stuff anyway?" Hoagie picks up one of the many white, putty-like bricks with a kludged electronic device stuck into them. Each brick is wrapped in saran wrap and the whole pile lies next to quite a few modified soda can grenades, baggies full of small papers with the corners twisted together so they look like tiny onions, gallon bags filled with cotton balls, and several gallons of liquid.

"It's…fragile," Patton wiggles his bandaged fingers. "And I was rusty, okay? Haven't whipped up a complete stock in a couple years."

The door pops open and Abby comes in, wearing all black from head to toe except for her red baseball cap, which is backwards so that it fits under her helmet.

"Abby!" Kuki rushes over and hugs her, then steps back. "How was it?"

"It's a prison," Abby adjusts her hat so that it covers her eyes. "Legit prison filled with kids. Kept in check with guns and batons. Punished with starvation."

"So," Hoagie puts down the brick and rubs his temples. "This just turned from a rescue mission to a jailbreak mission. We haven't done those before, Abby."

"Well, tonight's a good night to try," Abby picks up the couple baggies of twisted papers. "I have a plan."

_= = = Wanna know what Patton made? There's a list in the Note Bene at the end. = = = _

The prison is under lights out, so the place is dim and quiet, save for the stifled sob here and there. In the control center, two guards eat greasy Chinese take-out and watch a football game on the tiny monitor. They ignore the bits of food that drop on the dashboard among the switches and buttons, but now and then they glance out the wide, bulletproof window to make sure all is well. While they aren't paying attention, Wally (while wearing a sash of soda can grenades,) sets up a folding stool in front of the window, steps onto it, and drops his sweatpants.

"Oy, boyos," Wally cackles as the guards drop their food. "It's a full moon out tonight!"

"You're in big trouble!" The guards take up their batons and fling open the heavy door.

"That's right! Chase me, you sloppy BJ's," Wally pulls up his pants and bolts in the opposite direction of the door, leading the guards down the hallway. As their shouts and footsteps soften in the distance, Kuki peeks out from behind the door and strolls into the control room, remembering to close and lock the door behind her. She settles into one of the swivel chairs, spins around, and waits for Wally's signal.

BOOM, BOOM, BOOM. Every time they go through an intersection, Wally drops a grenade, making other guards take notice and give chase. Eventually, the lot of them burst into the empty mess hall, where Wally uses up the last of his grenades on a few guards and makes his stand. He skids to a stop, whirls around and plants the bottom of his heel under the knee of the nearest guard, sending him to the floor with a groan.

"Learned that from 362," Wally raises his fists and drops into a defensive stance as the guards surround him. "You heard o' her? No? Pity." Wally jams the heel of his palm up into another guard's nose, immediately breaking it and making him tear up. "If yeh had, then you'd be more prepared for us."

Without missing a beat, Wally slips on a mouth-guard and charges. After slamming someone's head onto his knee, and taking three blows from a nightstick to the face, Wally stomps down on toes and head-butts the guy with the nightstick, sending him down to the ground. Wally takes up the nightstick and jams it in the next one's throat, making him gurgle and collapse.

"Oh my God," one of the remaining guards steps back and lifts a walkie-talkie to his lips. "Uh…uh…we've got an emergency in the mess hall…"

"RAAARGH!" Wally hops onto a table and snarls. His left eye is swelling and the mouth-guard makes it look like there's blood on his teeth. "THAT ALL YOU FUCKERS GOT?"

"…Send everyone."

Back in the control room, Kuki straightens up in her chair as _"Send everyone,"_ sounds over the radio.

"Yay," she waits, giddy, for all of two minutes, then turns to the dashboard and begins flipping switches and pushing buttons. "This has a pretty light! This one too. Oh, and this one! Actually," Kuki mashes most the buttons and giggles. "Now…" she turns on the PA system and clears her throat.

"_Hi, everyone! This is Agent Kuki of the TND and I'm super-duper excited to meet all of you!" _

All the guards in the mess hall look up towards the speakers, giving Wally a free moment to kick someone in the groin and push him away.

"Someone's in the control room!"

"You," a guard points at Wally. "You're a distraction!"

"Well, yeah maybe," Wally's grin is almost bashful. "I'm one helluva distraction though, right?"

"Get to the control room!"

All the guards (the ones who are still conscious anyway) try the doors, but find them unyielding.

"It's locked! They put the mess hall on lockdown. We can't get out."

Wally throws his head back and laughs.

Back in the control room, Kuki turns on all the lights in the prison as she talks into the mic.

"Wakey-wakey, everyone! I know it's late. I know, I'm sorry. But we're breaking you out of this place, so it's kinda important. Just a teensy-weensy bit. So when you can, please make your way to the exits. And please help other people out too. We need a total evacuation, you guys. It's super important. There's a TND bus outside, and we need you to be there so we can take you all to safe houses and stuff. Please?" Kuki pauses and listens closely. Outside of the window, in the surrounding cells, dozens of teens are at their bars, yelling.

"_Yes!"_

"_Whatever, yeah!"_

"_I'll do anything, just get me out of here!" _

"Good enough," Kuki swipes her palm over a line of buttons and flips one last switch.

BEEP. _"Please stand away from the bars,"_ an automated voice echoes throughout the compound. _"The bars are opening. Please stand away from the bars."_ Then, at the same time, all the bars of the cells slide open as if by ghosts. Kuki leans back and smiles as a wave of cheers wash through the place, then frowns as her eyes fall upon Fanny's purse, which sits next to the sprinklers switches.

"Huh…you look lost."

In the Solitary wing, Fanny peeks out from behind the opened door of her cell and looks around, then when she sees no one, steps out and makes her way down the hall.

"Oh, gosh," Fanny hugs herself as she walks. "I know she said get to the exits, but I dunno where that is…ack!"

She turns the corner and almost bumps into Abby, who is in the middle of sticking a putty brick to the wall. There's a whole duffel bag full of other bricks that's slung over Abby's shoulder.

"Abby!"

"Fanny!" Abby gives her a brief hug. "I was on my way to get you. Are you alright?"

"Yes. Where's Rachel?"

"Safe. We need to get you out of here," Abby leads Fanny through the wing and they bump into two other teenagers who happen to be imprisoned for less than a week. One of them has a fever, and Fanny and the other teenager heft her between them and help her walk.

"What's going on?" Fanny slows as the alarm begins to blare. "Why has the alarm been triggered?"

"It's Kuki, she's wrapping up her part of the plan. Releasing all the locks, destroying the control center, escaping the building. Everyone _must_ be out but us, 'cause Patton's up next."

"Patton?" Fanny's eyes settle on Abby's duffel bag. "Oh, wow."

"Yeah."

"Right," Fanny pulls the other two teens along with renewed energy. "Gotta get you beauties out of here quick."

Outside, teenagers break through the two gates of the prison and spill out into the dark and chilly desert where they wait, unsure. Then, in packs, they make their way to the gathering of TND vehicles in the distance. They aren't parked neatly like in a parking lot, and are instead gathered in a circle, with their headlights lighting up the wide space in the middle. None of the vehicles look the same either. Sector V's looks like a bus that has two pairs of rockets strapped to the back, with retractable airplane wings, and another looks like a submarine with wheels, and yet another one looks salvaged from parts in an aircraft boneyard and is covered in street art.

In the clearing between the buses stand a few TND agents. One of them talks to the escaped teens through a bullhorn, and while she speaks, a few more buses arrive out of the night and land a little further away.

"There are safe houses all over the country," the teen with a bullhorn says. Even though it's night-time, she wears sunglasses. "There are also houses in Canada and in Mexico, but if you have a request for elsewhere, we can do that too! Sector leaders, thank you for responding to this emergency, please stand on your buses with a sign of your destination; make sure they're legible. Everyone else, find a bus that's going to where you wanna go! This is a fresh start for you all, make it a good one…"

Kuki's face screws up as she tiptoes in order to look over people's heads, but she's so short that it doesn't work, and she crosses her arms and sighs.

"Kuki!"

"Fanny?"

"Kuki, y' beauty," Fanny emerges from the crowd with the two teenagers from Solitary. "You gotta help; she's in a bad way."

"She's got a fever," Kuki presses the back of her hand to the girl's forehead.

"I think I caught a cold," the girl's teeth chatter. "It's cold in there."

"It's cold out here too. Even though it's the desert. Weird, right?" Kuki beckons to them and makes a path for them through the crowd. "Come on. I've got some antibiotics in the bus."

"How's Rachel?" Fanny asks.

"…Alive. Oh, this is yours," Kuki hands Fanny her purse and opens the bus, letting a wave of warmth hit the four of them. In the driver's seat is Hoagie, who's on the radio and flagging more TND buses down. He glances at the four of them and waves, then returns to the radio.

Kuki opens the cabinet over the refrigerator and takes out a bottle of pills, then hands it to the girl, who nods and takes it with both hands. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Are you going to New York?" the girl asks. The other one nods.

"Uh," Kuki look at Hoagie, who shakes his head. "Sorry, no. I guess we don't have enough fuel for that. But Sector NY always has enough fuel, they globetrot a lot."

"Yeah, they're already here somewhere," Hoagie gestures to the buses seen from the windshield.

"Alright, come on," Kuki leads the girls out the bus and into the crowd. "I'll help you find them."

"Fanny, you alright?" Hoagie lowers the receiver. "Do _you_ need anything?"

Fanny sighs. "…I need a gun. Honestly, I feel naked without 'em."

Hoagie chuckles and retrieves a small case from the loft. "Here. I just cleaned it. Need to charge it though." But before Hoagie can hand the case to Fanny, someone darkens the doorstep of the bus.

"Found you."

Fanny freezes and turns to the door, where Thaddeus stands. "No."

"Ugh, I swear to Zero, man," Hoagie says as he gives the case to Fanny. "This is turning into harassment. Get off my ship!"

"You think you can stop me?"

"I think I can do a pretty good job of that," Hoagie straightens up – actually brings his shoulders back – and reveals how _tall_ he is. Even though he's mainly skin and bones right now, Hoagie's shoulders are wide and his chest is deep, foreshadowing how big a man he'll be someday. He cracks the knuckles of his large hands and glares at Thaddeus, who pales.

"You thug."

CLICK. Both boys look at Fanny, who has assembled the laser gun in the case in less than ten seconds. Even Fanny stares at the gun a little bit.

"Like riding a bike," Fanny pulls on the slide, which turns on the gun. "Still wanna come in here and get me?"

"You wouldn't."

Fanny just lifts the gun and aims it at Thaddeus. "Where should I aim, the head? The heart? What about further south?" she pauses, then, "Leave me alone, Thaddeus. Don't talk to me again."

Thaddeus backs away and disappears into the crowd of teenagers. As soon as he leaves, Hoagie shuts the door.

"Ugh…what a mess."

CLICK. Within five seconds, the gun is disassembled and zipped safely in its case. "Hoagie?"

"Yeah?"

"When is Patton going to set off the bombs?"

"He's gonna have to wait until all the buses leave, so that the adults won't have anyone to charge with arson. It's okay. Everyone will live."

The two of them stop when Wally opens the door and comes in, and he's a mess.

"Dude," Hoagie takes in the blood spatters on Wally's shirt. Wally just shrugs.

"Not all of it's mine."

"You're never gonna get those stains out, man."

"Eh," Wally shrugs and drops onto the couch. "It's whatever. Ya should've seen it, mate. There was, like, more than thirty of 'em. All armed."

He pauses as Kuki steps onto the ship. "Kuki!"

"Wally?"

"Kuki," Wally begins to act as though he is the most anguished pain. "Oh Kuki. Please…"

"Uh huh?"

"Lay hands on me."

Kuki swats him with a rolled-up magazine. "Not when you ask like that."

"Oh, uh," Wally drops the act and is suddenly quite sheepish. "I got hit in the head. A lot. You told me to tell you whenever I got hit in the head."

"Ah, alright. Wait just one second." Kuki raises a hand and turns to Fanny. "Fanny, good, you're still here," she opens up the pantry and enters a code into the little safe on the bottom, ("I'm the only one with access to medication in our sector,") then takes out a small bottle of painkillers and Rachel's old ICD, bleached and blood free. She slips both of these into Fanny's hands and the ICD turns out to be cold…almost like ice. "I had to swap it. Rachel's sleeping in the back, but she'll need the medicine. The anesthesia I used should be worn off by now."

"Thanks," Fanny swipes a bottle of water and makes her way to the back, where she finds the heavy curtain parted. It's dark beyond the curtain, and along each wall are three beds. In the bottom bunk to Fanny's right, with her feet pointing towards the door, is Rachel, who's awake, pale, and shaking.

"Fanny," Rachel whispers through clenched teeth. "You're here."

"Oh," Fanny's heart sinks in her chest. "Rach…"

"It hurts…"

"I know," Fanny steps over the clothes and bags littering the floor in order to get to Rachel's bunk. "It's yer heart. Sit up."

"Uugh…"

"Please, _please_," Fanny helps Rachel sit up, then makes her take the pain medication. As soon as half of the water is finished, Fanny lets her lie back down and sets the bottles and her other belongings aside. "Better?"

"A little," some color returns to Rachel's face and she reaches for Fanny's hand. "I'm glad you're okay."

"Och, you wee baby," Fanny moves Rachel's bangs off her face and waits until her trembling dies down and her breathing eases. "What would you do without me, eh?"

"Probably die. Uh," Rachel cringes when Fanny stops breathing. "That was a joke. I was trying to joke. I wouldn't…literally…uh…"

"Don't say things like that," Fanny squeezes her hand. "Yer humor's gone all morbid, love."

"Sorry," Rachel says. "Wait, did you just call me…uh…"

"D'you not like that?"

"You can call me that if you want," Rachel says. The two of them share dopey grins until the curtains part to reveal Abby.

"Yo," Abby looks back to make sure that no one in listening in, then steps through the curtains anyway. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah," Rachel says. "What's up?"

"Abby knows about the two of you and now she's in a little bit of a bind."

"What do you mean?"

"It's late and everybody's gonna turn in soon, but there's three guests and only two guest bunks."

"So Fanny and I will just share a bunk," Rachel says. "No big deal."

"Abby digs that, but she has to lay down the law first."

"The law?"

"First rule of the Sector V bus: no foolin' around on the Sector V bus."

"Oh," Fanny's ears turn pink and behind her, Rachel makes a choking noise.

"Second rule of Sector V bus," Abby continues. "No foolin' around on the Sector V bus! You gon' stay, then you gon' respect. You gon' stay in _same bunk_, you gon' do nothin' but sleep. Ya dig?"

"Yeah, I ken," Fanny, suddenly embarrassed, waves it away while Rachel pulls the covers over her head. "We ken, we ken!"

"All right," Abby winks and steps back through the curtain. "As long as you dig it, then you do whatever…"

The silence Abby leaves behind is so thick, Patton could knead it into bombs. The entire bus jolts a little as Hoagie begins the trip back home already. Fanny hesitates, then turns towards Rachel, who is no more than a lump beneath the blankets.

"…So."

"Is it possible to implode from embarrassment?"

"It could be worse," Fanny pokes where Rachel's head should be. "She could have caught us having at it."

Rachel makes a strangled whining sound and tries to burrow further. "Nope. Nuh-uh. No, no, no."

"Hmph," Fanny crosses her arms. "Is the idea of being with me like that so disgusting to you?"

"…No."

"…But?"

"But…uh," Rachel peeks out. "I don't really know…um, and I haven't even…forget it."

"Wait, are you saying that you don't know how that sort of things works between two girls?"

"No, well, kind of no. I know a little, okay? But not enough. And that's not the only thing that bothers me."

"Oh, so what else is it?"

"Fanny!"

"Och, Rach, how can we have a relationship if we can't even talk to each other about these things? I ask because I care; I don't want you t'feel weird about anything. And it's not like I'm gonna jump you. You need rest."

"Hmm," but Rachel still can't meet her eyes, and shakes her head. "'S embarrassing."

"Do you not diddle yourself? Is that it?"

"Oh my gosh," Rachel retreats back under the blankets. "You actually asked that…"

"Are you grossed out? Am I grossing you out?"

"No…just," Rachel sighs and, suddenly tired, pushes back the covers. "You don't gross me out. I gross me out. When I think of my body in…_that way_, I feel all icky and…weird. I try not to have anything to do with anything down there."

Fanny stares for a moment, her jaw slack. "Oh, love," she murmurs. "Yeh aren't icky at all."

"But…"

"No, honestly! You are wonderful," Fanny leans down and gives Rachel a kiss. "Believe me, okay?"

"I…okay," Rachel sighs as if psyching herself up. "Thanks."

"No problem."

"Yeah. Hey, you wanna turn in? I'm emotionally exhausted. Also physically exhausted, but mostly emotionally."

"Sure," Fanny pulls off her boots and slips under the cover. The bunks are so narrow; the only way the two girls fit at all is by holding on to each other. Fanny ends up pinning Rachel's right arm to the mattress and Rachel drapes her other arm over Fanny's waist. It's very cozy, but they barely get situated when Wally comes in, looking for a clean shirt.

"Oh," he does a double take at them before he starts rummaging through his duffel bag. "Sharing a bunk, eh?" he picks out a shirt and sniffs it, then throws it over his shoulder. "You guys are closer friends than I thought."

"Uh, yeah," Fanny screws up her face to keep from laughing. "Friends. Definitely."

"Well, Hoagie's taking us out to space, so it's gonna get chilly," he points to a short curtain hanging at the end of the bunk. "That should keep you warm."

"Thanks, Beatles," Fanny reaches out and draws the curtain shut.

"Yeah," Wally changes his shirt and heaves a wistful sigh. "Too bad it ain't transparent."

_= = = Easter's next. = = =_

Yay, that's the end of the chapter! It's the longest chapter yet, but that's okay. I needed to wrap up St. Patrick's day and I didn't want to sacrifice quality to do it, so yeah. I hope you liked it. I hope you liked my attempt at dark humor in the surgery part, and I hope that I delivered in the Wally-is-a-crazy-mofo part. Although he's probably gonna end up being the reason to push up the rating of this fic (dangit, Wally…). If you still got questions or concerns about the things in this fic, then please let me know so that I can address them!

Note Bene: FUBAR is a military acronym for F*cked Up Beyond All Reason. It is either (noun) a hopeless situation, or (adjective) used to describe a mission in which everything has gone wrong. It's also the name of a demolition tool of some sort that's perfect for killing zombies.

Straight camps are, I'm sorry to say, real things in the USA (most of them are in the Midwest). Homophobic parents send their children to these things with the hopes that they'll take the queer out of them, but what really happens is that the camps utilize emotional and physical abuse to brainwash and repress them. Some of them even whisk these kids away indefinitely, so these kids get kidnapped right from under their parents' noses. There is good news tough. There are organizations investigating straight camps. They rescue kids and they shut these camps down and these sort of camps are now illegal in California.

Headcanon time: In order to handle explosives in the KND, you have to pass a test. Virginia never passed hers, which is why she kept blowing her treehouse up.

Within three hours, Patton made around 34 pounds of C4, soda can grenades, pop pop snappers, gun cotton, nitroglycerin and flame accelerant. It's a pretty good haul for a rusty operative.

Headcanon time 2: TND sectors use International Olympic Committee country codes for some sectors, then use postal abbreviations for the sectors of each state/province, then sometimes include the name of the major city they protect.

-Arty

_= = =Afterwards… = = = _

On a scavenged business plane headed in the same direction as sector V's, Thaddeus Daughenbaugh presses a button on his cell phone and holds it to his ear.

"Good evening."

"_Thaddeus,"_ Chad Dickson's voice crackles from the poor signal. _"McKenzie escaped. She's probably headed your way." _

"You are _too late_," Thaddeus catches himself raging and turns away before any of the other teens on the plane can ask what's wrong. He takes a steadying breath and shuts himself in the lavatory before he continues. "I should have known better than to use you. I should have taken McKenzie out myself. Give me back my deposit."

"_No! Come on, man. Give us another chance. She wrecked our equipment and we need compensation." _

"If you want another chance, you'll work for half."

"_Half? No way! Seventy-five percent at least." _

"Half," Thaddeus grits his teeth. "And be grateful it isn't any less. _And _your solution better be permanent, if you don't want a shitty reference."

"…_Fine,"_ Chad grinds out. Thaddeus hangs up.


	8. Good Friday

Thaddeus reaches into his vest pocket (not the one with his watch in it,) and pulls out a car remote. He sets it carefully on the tabletop between himself and Chad, then whips out his handkerchief and sweeps imaginary dust from it.

"Look, Dickson," Thaddeus whispers. Chad glances over the papers he's reading and grunts. "It's perfect."

"That's it," Chad puts the papers down into a folder. "I give you all these records and instead of blackmailing her with them, you make _that_."

"P-shaw, you cannot blackmail McKenzie. You cannot reason with her, and you cannot fight her."

Chad shifts and rubs his still-bruised throat. "You make her sound like she's invincible."

"She's mortal yet, Dickson," Thaddeus tucks the remote back into his vest. "It should be proven by Sunday."

Chad shifts again, but doesn't say anything.

"If there are no questions, then you must know what to do," Thaddeus says. "Go."

= = = … = = =

"You should have this," Rachel hands Fanny her 'Bad Wolf' t-shirt. The two girls sit in one of the courtyards alone, with half-eaten cheesy fries and greasy slices of pizza. Rachel's left arm is in a sling, and has been for the past two weeks, because Kuki said it should be while the stitches heal.

"But…it's…you don't want it anymore?"

"I can't wear it anymore," Rachel says. "I tried, but…" she turns pink.

"But what?"

"When you wore it, you kinda…stretched it out," Rachel gestures to her chest. "Around here. I can't fill it out, so it just…sags."

Fanny's cheeks turn red. "I'm so sorry."

"No, it's okay! I mean, _you_ can still wear it, so…"

"Yeah."

"Yeah," Rachel watches as Fanny puts the shirt into her bag and fights the urge to crack a smile. "Are you gonna finish those fries?"

"You can have 'em. Lemme see." Without bothering to wait for a reply, Fanny undoes Rachel's sling and hooks her fingers into her shirt collar. When she pushes it aside, she reveals a tender pink line in Rachel's chest, and a few pink dots where the stitches once held the skin together.

"That's coming along nicely," Fanny says. "But be careful with it. It could still tear open if you don't leave it alone."

"Yeah, Kuki told me, but," Rachel wrinkles her nose. "I thought I'd be done with the sling by now. Can't I just not wear it and not push myself?"

"As soon as it's off, you'll go and spar with Wally, so of course you aren't rid of it," Fanny lets go of the shirt and fixes the sling. "Now, are you going to walk me to Geometry again?"

_= = = My research into how stitches work was so gross. = = = _

As Fanny stands with Rachel just outside the classroom, she can feel Thaddeus's gaze burn into her back. Good. Let him watch. Fanny stands on her toes and gently kisses Rachel on the mouth, sends her off, and sits in her seat behind Thaddeus with a triumphant smile. After the bell rings, the teacher adjusts his bottle-coke glasses and passes out a worksheet meant to be done in pairs. Before Fanny can get up and move across the classroom to Kuki, Thaddeus spins his desk around and traps Fanny in.

"Daughenbaugh, what?" Fanny catches Kuki's eye and gives her a helpless look. Kuki grimaces and shrugs as her neighbor moves to work with her.

"Let me out."

"No, Fulbright, I think not," Thaddeus idly twirls his fountain pen in his hands and Fanny grips the edge of her desk hard enough to hurt her fingers. The kids around them take no notice.

"This is harassment," Fanny makes as if to stand up and call the teacher, but Thaddeus's next words stop her cold.

"ICD's are such fragile things," his eyes flash when he sees that he has her attention. "Did you know that they send out information to the patient's doctor? Like wifi, or radio? That way, when there's an episode, the doctor immediately knows. They'll know if it needs replacing, and they'll know if the patient dies."

Fanny stares at Thaddeus in shock. When she doesn't say anything, Thaddeus goes on.

"Did you know that any device that makes a signal can be hacked?" Thaddeus takes out the car remote. It has three buttons; lock, unlock, and panic. "The programming can be overwritten, and linked to another hacked device."

"You lie," Fanny's jaw is set. "There's no way. You couldn't have…"

"Ah," Thaddeus takes out his smart phone and looks at the screen. "As of now, McKenzie is within two hundred feet of us. Her pulse is at a steady 80 beats per minute and…" Thaddeus taps the unlock button on the remote. "Oh look at that. It just jumped to 90 beats per minute. Something must have scared her."

"You horrid boy," Fanny makes a grab for the remote, but Thaddeus moves it out of her reach.

"Careful, Fulbright," Thaddeus' thumb hovers above the panic button. "You wouldn't want me to _slip_, would you? Never fear. Unlock is programmed to release only 2.1 milliamperes for two seconds. Nothing serious. But this one," here Thaddeus' thumb moves to the panic button, "Do you know how much amperes an ICD can give?"

"1.5 amps," Fanny whispers. Her eyes are shiny and are trained on the remote in Thaddeus' hand.

"Do you know how many amps it takes to kill a person?"

"Anything above 1 ampere."

"Rather ironic, isn't it? How something designed to save a life can just as easily end it."

The two of them stare at each other for a cool half a minute.

"What do you want?" Fanny finally asks.

The corners of Thaddeus' mouth twitch. "You."

_= = = Btw, it's totally possible to hack an ICD. It's been done. Google it. = = = _

After the last bell rings, Rachel stumbles out of the classroom with a hand over her heart, looking like she's seen a ghost. Abby follows her out and steadies her.

"Girl, what happened to you during class? You tripped out!"

"I…my ICD's on the fritz," Rachel says. "It shocked me."

"That ain't right. You okay?"

"If it's broken then it could happen again."

"Then Kuki should replace it," Abby makes a face. "You should tell her."

"Can you? I need to meet Fanny for our date."

"Oh yeah. It's Friday," Abby flashes a smile. "Fine, I'll talk to Kuki. Have fun."

"I will!" Rachel waves her off and cuts across campus. Every now and then she puts a hand to her heart and grimaces, but she manages to get there without being shocked. Rachel spots Fanny's red hair in the crowd of teenagers and jogs the rest of the way over to her.

"Fanny! Are you ready for-huh?" Rachel stops short as Fanny grabs her by the hand and drags her into a supply closet between two science classrooms. She bumps into a metal rack laden with scales and reaches out to keep it from falling over.

"What's going on?"

"Did you get shocked today?"

Rachel stares. "Yeah, it happened after lunch, but it's no big deal. The ICD's just faulty and Kuki'll swap it out. How did you-wait. Don't change the subject. What's wrong?"

"Zero," Fanny murmurs to herself. "It's true."

"What's true?"

Instead of answering, Fanny reaches up and takes Rachel's face in her hands. Her thumbs swipe down her chin. "I'm so sorry."

"What for? What did you do?"

Fanny closes her eyes and drops her head onto Rachel's shoulder.

"Fanny?"

"I'm going to miss you."

"Whoa, what?" Rachel pulls away from her in order to get a good look at her. "What are you saying?"

_= = = "It's over." = = = _

Rachel doesn't remember the walk home. When she reminisces, her mind skips that particular part and pick back up when she's already at home and throwing ice cubes against a plywood target erected at the other end of the backyard, where the cubes shatter like glass.

"Rrgh…freaking…_damn it_," Rachel punctuates each word with a thrown cube. "What the heck? I don't understand." She slows to a stop and lets the last ice cube slip to the ground from her red and numbed fingers, then grinds it against the concrete under her heel. The squelching sound it makes is rather therapeutic. A little ways behind her is Harvey, who wrinkles his nose and waits with a sack of KND bombs that need to be tested.

"Why, Fanny? Why? Why did you do it…I don't…I can't," Rachel covers her eyes with her cold hands and her fingertips drum against her hairline. "Aah…It was something I did. No; if she was mad, then she would tell me. It's not me, it's not. Then it's something to do with her? Does she not love me anymore?" Here, Rachel falls silent, and is completely still save for her tapping fingers. Harvey checks his watch and chews on the inside of his cheek.

"Uh, sis?"

"It happened after lunch," Rachel whispers. "But it's no big deal."

"Huh?"

"What's wrong? What's true?" Rachel continues. "She didn't ask me if I was okay. She didn't tell me to go home. She didn't tell me to rest." She begins to pace, and her hands move to rest on the top of her head. "It happened after lunch, but it's no big deal."

Harvey's brows go up.

"What's wrong? What's true?" Rachel turns around and walks the other way. "Someone told her about the shock? But who? Gossip doesn't spread that fast. Wait, is there someone in my first class in Fanny's afterwards? Who noticed the shock? Abby did, but no, it couldn't be her…maybe…wait! It's irrelevant. What matters is that Fanny found out about the shock and she…" Rachel sighed. "Yeah. So why would she break up with me over that? Urrgh." Rachel sinks to the ground and props her elbows on her knees. "This doesn't make sense. I'm missing something."

Harvey reaches into the sack and brings out a can of playdoh C4 that Sonya gave him to test. "Hey."

Rachel gives a dubious grunt.

"You wanna help me blow stuff up?"

"You sound like Patton."

"Is that a no?"

"…It's a yes," Rachel reaches out and Harvey slaps a notebook and pencil into her hand. She retreats behind a sturdy partition and waits for her brother to set up the playdoh.

"I don't know how to set it off," Harvey admits with a shrug. "She said it could be electricity, or fire, or maybe it needs to be punched. It could get messy."

"Eh, whatever," Rachel opens up the notebook and, after taking a moment to remember the format for KND reports, begins to write. "This day can't possibly get worse."

_= = = Rachel no. Rachel stop. Don't say those words. Oh dear. = = = _

Fanny tries – and fails – to not look sick as she gestures to Thaddeus. "Mum, Daddy, this is Thaddeus Daughenbaugh."

"Good afternoon," Thaddeus says as he shakes hands with her parents. Mr. Boss barely acknowledges the boy, while Fanny's mother envelops him into a crushing hug.

"You must stay for dinner," she says. Fanny rolls her eyes and resists the urge to grab Thaddeus' throat.

"Of course, ma'am," Thaddeus straightens his vest. "What are we having?"

"Ack!" Fanny startles as Paddy and Shaunie grab her hands and pull her into the library. "What are you doing?"

"What are _you_ doing with that guy?" Paddy growls at her. "What happened to Rachel?"

"We're gonna tell her," Shaunie says. "How is that guy better than Rachel?"

"He isn't! And yeh aren't telling anyone," Fanny takes their ears between her fingers, but doesn't pinch. Both of the boys freeze. "Listen to me. If you go off and tell Rachel, and she comes in here to scrap, then she could _die_."

"What?" asks Shaunie.

"_How?_" asks Paddy.

"It could happen," Fanny hisses at them. "And then everything will be lost. He's here now and you have to deal with it."

Paddy swats Fanny's hand away. "No!"

"…No?"

Paddy's eyes narrow. "Whatever is going on, you might be wrapped up in it, but we're not."

"So…so what?" Fanny shrugs. "Are you gonna give him the works?"

"What if we do, huh?"

"Huh," Fanny checks to see if anyone's listening. "Oh no, boys," her voice is more flat than day-old soda and her brothers share a look. They've never seen their sister that half-hearted or sarcastic before.

"Please don't. Mum will be so cross with you."

A wicked grin spreads across Paddy's face and Shaunie's eyes brighten.

"Heh," Paddy winks and backs away, taking Shaunie with him. "Don't try to stop us!"

"You're gonna get into so much trouble."

"Worth it. Nyeh," Paddy sticks his tongue out at her.

"Nyeh," Fanny does the same, then winks back. "Get lost, you terrors."

At dinner, an extra chair is brought out and Fanny's mother breaks out the nice silverware and china, and puts them all in a formal layout. Fanny hasn't seen so many forks and spoons (and glasses) for one meal since Thanksgiving dinner. Paddy wedges himself between Fanny and Thaddeus, and Shaunie sits on his other side. Fanny shrugs and goes to the other side of the table, next to her mother.

"The food looks marvelous, Mrs…Miss…er…ma'am," Thaddeus says.

"Why thank you, Thaddeus," Fanny's mother bats her eyelashes at him and Fanny resists the urge to gag. "I notice you have a pocket watch. I haven't seen one of those since me great granddad died."

"Ah," Thaddeus brings the watch out. It's a handsome one; silver, with a hunter case, a stem-wind and lever-set mechanism. "My father had a watch much like this one. He would have given me his if he could."

"What happened to his?"

"It is lost. To greedy relatives I suppose. It does not matter; I have this one."

"Was your father a good man?"

"He was a _great_ man," Thaddeus almost whispers through his teeth. "I strive to be as brilliant as he was."

There's a pause in which Fanny catches Mr. Boss' staring at her, and she sinks in her seat.

CLINK. Paddy's glass topples over, spilling water around Thaddeus' plate and onto his lap.

"Urgh!" Thaddeus flinches and drops his fork onto the floor.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, man," Paddy picks up his napkin. "Let me get that for you." But when he slaps the napkin onto Thaddeus' lap, it turns out to be saturated with gravy, and it stains his slacks. "Oh shoot! Ah, that's my bad."

"Paddy!" Fanny's mother slams her hands on the table and stands up.

"What? I'm sorry! It was an honest mistake."

"You will help him clean up this instant!"

"It's quite alright, ma'am," Thaddeus stands up. "Please excuse me."

"No, I gotta help," Paddy stands up too, and follows him out of the dining room. After a few moments of silence filled with the clinking of silverware, Fanny's mother sits back down and clears her throat.

"I like this one," she says. "He isn't two-timing you like the other one was, is he?"

"…No?" Fanny pushes her food around her plate and Shaunie wrinkles his nose. "I…don't think so?"

"Good."

"I'm just trying to help," Paddy leads Thaddeus back and sits down in his chair. Thaddeus's slacks are mainly clean, if also damp, and when he sits down, he moves Paddy's glass away from him.

"How is school?" Mr. Boss asks. "How are your grades?"

"Impeccable," Thaddeus whips open a fresh napkin and puts it on his lap. "I've been nominated for the Representative office in the student council. Elections are in May."

"And there's a debate in April too," Fanny says. "You'll be up against Abby Lincoln. I hear she's quite talented with public speech."

"She cannot possibly defeat me."

"I'd vote for her."

"You would, would you," Thaddeus' fingers brush the edge of his vest pocket and Fanny freezes. "Interesting."

"…Perhaps you could persuade me at the debate."

"I shall," Thaddeus takes a second helping of food.

"You have nice nails," Shaunie says. Paddy snorts into his food and Thaddeus glances at his nails, which _are_ well-groomed. "Do you do your toenails too?"

"Er…"

"I do mine," Shaunie says around a mouthful of food. "I paint them too. Fanny has this polish and it's clear, so it doesn't look like there's polish, but I wanna get colors, so I can make _racing stripes_, and then maybe that'll help me run faster." He says all this in one breath.

"…I do not do my nails," Thaddeus' ears turn red and he tugs on his collar.

"You stole some of my polish?" Fanny asks. Shaunie colors and ducks his head.

"You should get silver and black," Paddy says to his brother. "Silver's cool."

"I don't think you should be painting your nails at all," Fanny's mother says. "And your father doesn't think so either. Jeff, say something."

"I ain't payin' some Chinese-y to do them for you." Mr. Boss's mustache barely moves as he talks. "So you stick to the cheapest paint you can find. Actually, no paint. Just color 'em in with them permanent markers."

"Daddy," Fanny giggles despite herself. "That'd look horrid. But if you wanted polish so badly, Shaunie, then you could've asked. I got extra white and reds. You can't beat white racing stripes."

"_Silver and black." _Paddy says.

"I bought that polish for you, Fanny, not for your brother," Fanny's mother sniffs.

"What do you use?" Shaunie asks Thaddeus. "For your nails?"

"Probably black," Fanny mutters. "Like his heart."

"_What?" _Thaddeus says.

"Oh, you one of those depressed, eye-liner wearing guys?" Paddy asks. "'Death is my friend?' 'Life is pain?' Right on."

"Don't be so inane," Thaddeus snaps. "I don't wear nail polish."

"Whoa, touchy much?" Paddy leans away. "No need to be so offended."

"No self-respecting boy would wear something as _idiotic_ as _nail polish_," Thaddeus says. Behind him, Shaunie bursts into tears.

"Hmm," Mr. Boss sets his knife and fork down and stands up. "I think it's time for you to leave."

"I'm sorry…"

"Come on," Mr. Boss takes Thaddeus's arm and practically rags him out of the dining room. Fanny's mother gets up and follows them, and Paddy switches seats so he can throw an arm around his brother's shoulder.

"Shaunie, I'm so sorry," Fanny sighs. Shaunie just shakes his head and Paddy puts his napkin over his nose.

"Blow," Paddy says, then wipes Shaunie's nose. "Dude, what the heck? He's got _problems_."

"That was bad," Fanny whispers. "Oh, that was awful. What if he presses the button?"

The three of them pause as the front door slams and Mr. Boss shouts:

"Fanny? Den. Now."

Fanny and her brothers share anxious looks, then she pushes away from the table and drops her napkin onto her plate.

Mr. Boss's den always smells like cigars. Not the bad, cheap kind, but the good expensive kind. Cigars are one of the few luxuries that Mr. Boss allows himself, and there are three boxes of different brands locked in a cabinet behind his desk. The smell has actually permeated the leather armchairs, and can't be burnt out by the logs burned in the fireplace (Fanny and her brothers like to come in and watch the ones that burn in different colors). For now, Mr. Boss leans back in his chair and relights a cigar with a wood match. Fanny closes the door and sits in the closest armchair.

"So," Mr. Boss growls as he waves out his match. "He's the one, huh?"

"Urrrgh," Fanny drops her face into her hands. "He's not even close."

"Good."

Fanny raises her head. "What?"

"Boy was rotten. Absolutely terrible."

"You mean 'evil?'"

"Yeah."

"Oh. You don't want me with an evil person?"

"Absolutely not!" His mustache bristles with indignation. "You know…uh…" Mr. Boss's face cycles between several shades of red while he mutters something about, "your mother," and "my business," until he sighs and relaxes.

"Forget it. What happened to McKenzie?"

Fanny opens her mouth to speak, but can't say anything. After a while, Mr. Boss reaches into his coat pocket and offers her his handkerchief.

"Huh?" Fanny reaches up and finds that she's crying. "Oh."

"Fannypants," Mr. Boss sets his cigar in an ashtray and leans forward so he can better look her in the face. "Do I need to _put someone away_?"

"No!" Fanny sniffles as she wipes her face. The last person he 'put away' was a boy who kicked a ball into her face in kindergarten and the last she heard of him, he and his parents had moved three states away. "Uh, no, Daddy. That's…unnecessary."

"Because I could."

"No, no. It's not her fault, she didn't do anything wrong," Fanny pauses. "It was me. I…I hurt her so bad, Daddy. I don't know what to do."

_= = = … = = = _

Harvey, while dressed from head to toe in bomb-squad armor, inches towards the can of playdoh while Rachel watches from a distance.

"Electric current as a detonation device was a failure, and we don't have the materials needed to test detonation through chemical reaction. Also, the sun has set," Harvey squints at the darkened sky. "Further testing must be postponed until tomorrow, or when we…uh, procure the proper materials and have enough light."

"Hmm," Rachel finishes the report and shuts the notebook. "You know who would like testing this stuff?"

Harvey pokes the can and cringes.

"Fanny would."

Harvey rolls his eyes and picks up the playdoh.

"Well, okay, maybe she wouldn't like testing bombs (that's Pat's stuff,) but she would like testing guns. Oh, and arrows. She was trying to get into knives and arrows. We were supposed to go to the library and check out archery documentaries."

"Uh-huh," Harvey pulls off his armor and drops the can into the sack. "I'm gonna get some soda."

"Did you know she outshot Numbuh 20/20? They threw up seven targets and Fanny picked them right out of the sky, and 20/20 only got six. Harvey?" Rachel looks around to find that her brother has gone inside. "Hmm."

"You know, it really is disgusting how you talk about her."

Rachel turns around and sees Chad Dickson hopping the fence into the backyard. "Oh, it's you." Rachel sneers. "Haven't learned your lesson yet, huh?"

"Actually, I've learned a lot these past two weeks," Chad pulls out a taser and it crackles in his hand. "Like, about ICDs."

Rachel takes a step back and removes her sling.

"And that you have one. Turns out you aren't perfect after all."

"Pat was right about you all along. You really think you're gonna be enough to take me down," Rachel whispers. "Oooh, you should know better, Dickson." She takes a quick step forward and Chad flinches. "Ha. See?"

But before Rachel could continue, she convulses and drops to the ground, twitching. "Aah!" her hand goes to her chest and her eyes are wide and panicked. "No, not now…Aaack!"

Chad rushes forward and stomps on her chest, where her ICD is.

"Augh!" Rachel screams. "No! _Stop._"

Chad stomps again, and a thick red line appears on Rachel's shirt, as if it were drawn on with marker. The line spreads out, and Chad steps back and tasers Rachel for good measure.

BZZZZ.

"Hngggaaah!" Rachel tries to make a swipe at Chad's ankle, but misses and passes out. Just like that. The taser falls out of Chad's hands and he realizes that he's shaking. He takes a deep breath and clears his throat, then kicks her foot.

"Wake up."

"Uhn," Rachel, delirious, mumbles nonsense and tries to move, but only succeeds in moving her head from side to side.

"Better," Chad picks up Rachel's ankles and drags her out the backyard through the door in the fence.

In the house, hiding behind the couch, is Harvey. With trembling hands, he takes out his KND phone and begins dialing.

_= = = Mighty McKenzie: 1 Douchebag Dickson: 1 = = = _

Note Bene: This chapter was brought to you by the Wikipedia article on pocket watches, high school physics, and Google results on stitches and ICD's. Research is half the fun of writing, so remember to pay attention in class, kiddoes. You never know when something might be useful.

Of course Fanny's mother would like Thaddeus. Look who she married. Ha ha. But seriously, when Thaddeus fumbles on what to call her, it mirrors the fact that _I_ don't know what to call her. Mrs. Fulbright? Miss…whatever Gaelic name I'll have to find? I do have an explanation for Fanny's parents, but I don't have a name for Fanny's mother.

Also, the more I write him, the more I get the feeling that Thaddeus's parents were evil too, so he and Fanny become mirrors of each other.

At first, Chad was supposed to punch Rachel, but I changed that. I'm so sorry.

Good Friday, Black Saturday, and Easter Sunday will make up the Easter arc for this story. Please buckle down, dearest readers. Shit's about to get epic.

- Arty


	9. Black Saturday

If you're reading this then we beat the Apocalypse and are still alive, woo! Party time! WHOA KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON.

Indulge me for a second, okay? I love my readers, so when one decides to review, it gives me a chance to open up a conversation and stuff through pms. "Andrea" reviewed under guest, and since I can't pm her, I'm gonna reply here. So if you're not Andrea, then skip down to the trigger warning because this is personal. I'm serious. If any of you peek, then y'all are dirty voyeurs. Dirty, dirty.

Andrea! Thank you for your review. I'm so glad that you decided to make an exception for this story, and I understand what you mean about it featuring an unpopular pairing. The pieces for FannyxRachel on this site are so sparse, and since I wanted to read good stories with FannyxRachel, I decided that I might as well be the person who writes them.  
>And…well…I dunno, way to put on the pressure, yo. Phenon has good stuff too. And so does Synaptic-Firefly. There are more peeps I could recommend, but…they're all I can think of off the top of my head. You should check them out. I'm still working on being as prolific as they are.<br>So yeah, I hope you like this chapter, and please don't be afraid to review again, or to pm me!

_= = = End of reply. = = = _

TRIGGER WARNING: If you have taphophobia, please proceed with caution. IF YOU HAVE TAPHOPHOBIA, PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

The further the night goes on, the more disjointed Chad's memory becomes. It's still fine when he drags Rachel out to the front yard, where there are three other Teen Ninjas waiting under a street lamp with a pickup truck and a long pine box that they made in the school woodworking workshop. He remembers how one of them helps him put Rachel in the box, and how he got her height wrong and the box is too short, so they have to bend her knees slightly so that her feet will fit. He also remembers how the same guy observes aloud that Rachel is still breathing and how that isn't according to plan.

"Screw the plan," Chad says. "This is the next best thing, and she'll die anyway, so it still counts."

He remembers too, how a lid is put onto the box and how another teen ninja nails it shut with a battery-powered nail gun, and how they slide the coffin onto the truck bed.

Then everyone gets into the truck and he blinks, and somehow he is already in the town cemetery, where it's so dark that they might as well be walking through pitch. The dew on the grass drenches their shoes and seeps up their jeans, and no one turns on a flashlight because they don't want to be seen. Hhe and the other teen ninjas numbly carry the coffin aloft between them on sturdy straps. When they reach the proper grave, they meet the other teen ninjas who are already in the process of digging a deep hole.

The only boy who doesn't greet Chad crouches off to the side and hugs his knees to his chest. It's the same boy who woke Rachel up after her kidnapping on St. Patrick's Day.

Another blink, and the boy is screaming and scratching at the coffin, as if to pry the lid away with only his hands. The other teen ninjas take his arms and drag him away.

"No! You don't understand," the boy shrieks. "You have to stop! _She will kill us all._"

"Shut up!" the teen ninjas try gagging him. "Oh my god, who the fuck asked you? Who the hell even let you out of the house?"

"Uh," one of the grave diggers throws up his shovel. "We're done."

"Good," Chad tears his eyes away from the boy and his captors. They lower the coffin into the ground and bury it.

_= = = Damn, Rachel, you slept through all that? You sleep like the dead. Oh, too soon? = = = _

"…What?" Paddy whispers as he holds his KND phone to his ear. On the other end of the line is Harvey, who is recovering from a hyperventilating fit. "Wait, you have to start again."

"_She's gone," _Harvey takes ugly-sounding hiccups between words. _"Rachel's gone. He took her. We have to find her."_

Paddy picks up his coat and sneaks out of the room he shares with Shaunie. "Who? Who took your sister?"

"_Chad Dickson." _

"Okay, uh," Paddy's mind blanks for a second when he realizes that by not giving orders, Harvey's essentially given him control of Sector W. At least for now. "Go ahead and pick up Sonya first. She'll be in Lime Ricky's. Then pick me up, then we'll get Lee at tutoring. Got it?"

"Uh…uh-huh."

"Don't worry, we'll find her," Paddy hangs up and puts on his shoulder harness and his hand wraps. "Oi, Fanny!"

"What?" there's a moment, and then Fanny's door opens and she sticks her head out. Her thick hair is gathered up into a messy bun with an old hair-tie. "What is it now?"

Paddy looks towards the stairs, and when he doesn't see their mother, he leans in and lowers his voice.

"Thaddeus threatened you with Rachel, didn't he?"

"Wh-what?" Fanny pulls away. "No, I can't…"

"That's why she's missing now, huh?" Paddy asks. His sister freezes. "Chad took Rachel, just now. She's gone."

"No. That's wrong. He said…"

"Well, he's a _liar_," Paddy finishes wrapping his hands. "We're about to go look for her now, but you should alert Ol' Sector V and get them to help too. The more people we have looking, the better the chances."

"Er…yeah."

"One question though," Paddy says. "How is _Dingleberry_ able to use Rachel as a hostage? I mean, she's _Rachel-freaking-McKenzie_."

"I…" Fanny closes her mouth and shakes her head. Paddy frowns, opens a window and jumps out into the night.

Fanny dials a number on her cellphone and holds it up to her head.

_= = = Yes, please call the cavalry. You need help. = = = _

Even though it's late, everyone in Sector V is still awake. Abby sits in the passenger seat and holds the radio speaker to her ear. Hoagie mutes the television and he, Kuki, and Wally listen in.

"…Are you sure? It's just…you sound really calm about it, is all," Abby clicks a pen and scribbles something down on a pad. "And her parents? I see. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay, you talk to him and get back to us. We'll see what we can do." Abby hangs up and rips the top page off the paper.

"Chad kidnapped Rachel."

Hoagie stares. "That was _Harvey_ on the radio?"

"No, that was Fanny. Harvey scrambled his team and didn't think to tell us, and when Fanny found out, she dropped us a line." Abby's frown deepens. "At first, it sounded like she didn't care, but now I think that's how she must sound before she puts the paddle to somebody."

"Oof," Wally cringes and shifts in his seat. "Count Spankulot hurts, but I'd take him any day over a belt from her, yeah?"

"Yeah. Kuki, I need you to open up that FUBAR signal in Rachel's ICD."

"Okie-dokie-lokey!" Kuki hops into the computer terminal chair and types in a code in the RUN program. Then she frowns and types it in again. "Oh dear."

"What's wrong?"

"…It's not working."

"Of course it wouldn't," Abby sighs. "I forgot; Rachel said her ICD was acting up."

"Wow," Wally says. "So she's…and it's…wow. This couldn't get worse."

"Hey," Kuki turns around and swipes at him, but can't reach, so Hoagie punches him in the arm.

"Oy!"

"Thanks, Hoagie. Wally, don't say that! This could get really, really bad."

"She's right," Abby says. "Hoagie, take us to the nearest Dusk 2 Dawn. We got ourselves Teen Ninjas to question."

_= = = There's a special Dusk 2 Dawn in Oregon that doesn't tolerate teenagers though. = = = _

Fanny puts on her thickest jacket and scarf, hops on her imported bike, and rides through town and across the railway tracks to a small house with a patchy lawn and a screen door with holes in it. Since it's so late, none of them are awake, but Fanny is able to knock on the correct window and wake Thaddeus up. He comes to the door with a robe fastened over his nightshirt.

"Well," Thaddeus says. "It's a bit early to promote our relationship to the stage in which we sneak out to see each other at odd times of night, isn't it?"

"You shut your trap," if Fanny's glares could kill, Thaddeus would spontaneously combust right there and then. "We had a deal. I date you, and Rachel isn't harmed. That was the deal."

"New deal."

"Och, you don't get to change the deal!"

"New deal," Thaddeus says. "I've put Rachel elsewhere. If you're good, you'll get to see her. Maybe if you're really good, you'll even get to talk to her. But if anything goes wrong, she goes away…forever. Understood?"

Fanny doesn't trust herself to speak, and instead just gets back on her bike and rides away. While she rides, she speed-dials and holds the phone to her ear.

"_Moshi moshi?"_

"Kuki," the bike wobbles dangerously under Fanny. "I…I talked to Daughenbaugh, but I can't ask him where she is. If I many any mistake, he'll blow her up."

There's a static-filled moment of silence, then, _"he turned her ICD into a _bomb_?"_

"I don't know what to do," Fanny lets out a sob. "I just…I can't. I know he knows where she is, but I don't…I don't know how to ask. I wasn't trained…"

"_Shh, it's okay, Fanny," _Kuki tries to soothe her._ "Everything's totally gonna be okay. I promise. Just get your stuff together and we'll pick you up, okay? We're at some Dusk 2 Dawn and it's so totally gross, you don't even know. Wally and Abby are like, playing 'good cop, bad cop,' but it's not working. None of these Teen Ninjas know anything. So we're gonna try something else." _

"I just…I need her here. Right now, with me. Safe. You know?"

"…_Yeah. I know." _

_= = = Wally is terrible at being good cop. = = = _

When Rachel first wakes up, she fears that she has been struck blind, that's how dark it is. Her chest, where Chad stomped on her, aches, and when she tries to move her shoulder and arm, it burns. When her hands touch it, they come away wet and sticky. Then she reaches out and feels the wood panels of the box, and then feels the lid of the box, and her feet push against the panel below and the top of her head brushes against the panel above and she knows, with growing horror, what Chad has done.

"…No," she says, and her voice has never sounded so fragile before. Her muscles seize up and she swears that the box is getting _smaller_ and she begins to hyperventilate.

_Stop_, she thinks to herself, but the panic attack keeps on going. She knows she must stop, because she was trained not to panic before she left the KND, but it's been such a long time since she was an operative. _Stop,_ she thinks to herself, drenched in terror. _Stop, you need to stop, you need to stop. Stop._

"STOP," Rachel screams as she throws her head into the lid of the coffin. The pain works, and when she falls back, she tries not to breathe as much. Not that it matters. She might have used up half of her air already.

"I'm going to…" _die _remains unsaid. Rachel pushes lightly against the lid, as if bracing herself, and thinks. "No, what? No. This wasn't how….this isn't…I don't wanna die. I don't…" a determined look settles over Rachel's face and she begins to give vicious kicks to the lid of the box. "Screw you, Chad Dickson!" she says through clenched teeth. "I'm going to _live_."

After a few kicks, the wood splinters down the middle of the lid, and Rachel switches feet and keeps kicking. Then she switches again and just as she tires, the lid cracks into pieces and the dirt falls in.

"Ack, pthhtht," Rachel turns her face away and shovels handfuls of dirt off to the side of the box and packs it in, and clears a space for the lid to move and for her to sit up. Once her upper body is out of the box and into the dirt, she reaches up and begins to dig upwards, and all the loose dirt is dropped down and compacted beneath her feet. It's messy work; dirt falls into her eyes and it gets under her fingernails, and scrubs her hands raw. After a while, Rachel realizes that she's been digging for hours, because she's running out of air. Her eyes are stinging and her chest is on _fire_, she can barely breathe, and her fingers feel as if all the skin's been scraped off. And, _and_,

She's so damn tired. She would like nothing more than to stop and to close her eyes for a while. Rest.

But if she rests, she'll die, so Rachel keeps digging up.

If you have ever walked a great distance away from somewhere, using a landmark to gauge your progress, then you'll know that there is a portion of your walk in which it seems that you are not further from where you started, or nearer to where you want to go. That is how Rachel feels now, as claws her way to the surface. And though she is getting closer with every handful of dirt, she is getting worse by the second. She thinks to herself that she's already used up her air, and is rebreathing everything she exhaled.

But then, Rachel pushes her fist through the dirt for what feels like the hundredth time, to feel if she's reached the surface yet.

And she has.

"Huh?" Rachel wiggles her fingers, then, instead of digging the rest of the way out, pushes her other hand through to pull herself out. "Yes!" She digs her feet into the sides of the tunnel to give her traction, and with her feet pushing, and her hands pulling, Rachel bursts out of the ground in an unholy mess, and collapses onto the surface with her lower body still in the hole.

"Ah, there's so much air," Rachel whispers to herself between deep breaths. "And all this room, up here, for me? Wow. So nice." She stays there for a while, marveling at how lucky she is that it didn't rain, and appreciating how nice the sunrise looks, then wills herself to get up and make her way to the church at the bottom of the hill.

Imagine the poor secretary's fright as Rachel shows up at the parish office door, pale and staggering with weakness from hunger, with shadows under her eyes, a blood-soaked shirt, and filthy with grave soil.

"Hi," Rachel says. "Uh, good morning. Is it still morning? Can I use your phone?"

The poor woman screams and passes out onto the carpet.

"Oh crap, I'm sorry," Rachel grimaces as she eases herself into a nearby chair, then pulls the phone towards her. She dials, then waits.

"_Hello?"_

"Hey, Hoagie. It's me, Rachel."

"_Rachel? Holy shit, where are you?"_

"A…graveyard? How'd you know I was missing? Nevermind?" Rachel looks out the office window and frowns. "You need to come get me, man. Pronto."

"_You got it. I'm tracing you now. You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice." _

"Yeah, it's nice to hear yours too. Ah, are they still serving breakfast at Burger Frenzy?"

"…_I think so."_

"Can you get me like," Rachel picks a bit of dirt out of her ear as she speaks. "Twenty hash-browns?"

Hoagie's laugh booms from the other end. _"Anything you want, boss." _

Rachel drops the phone back onto its cradle, leans back, and sighs. She ties to get up, so she can go outside and wait for them to pick her up, but her body isn't responding. So she closes her eyes. Just for a moment.

When she next opens her eyes, Rachel's back in her bed at home, all cleaned up and in fresh clothes. Something red squeaks and rushes out the door, and after a few moments, her mother's face swims into focus.

"Hi, sweetie," her mother brushes Rachel's bangs from her face. "How are you doing?"

"Mom?"

"I'm right here. Rachel, I have to ask you something."

"Yeah?"

"Are you sneaking out to fight in illegal, underground death-matches?"

"Uh...no?"

"Oh, good. Then who mugged you?"

"I...don't know enough about that yet."

"Does that mean you're going to find out?"

"Yes."

"Then you come back and tell us what you find, and we'll sue the man for whatever he's got, okay?"

"Okay."

"I'm so glad you're okay," her mother leans down and presses a kiss to her forehead, then stands up to leave. "There's soup if you're hungry. And your hashbrowns are cold, but we can pop them in the microwave if you still want them."

"Thanks, Mom," Rachel waits until she leaves, then puts a hand to where her ICD is. It's still there, and her opened wound has been sutured closed, but instead of a bandage, something else has been pasted over it.

There's a small knock, and Fanny appears at the door with a thermos and a long spoon.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Oh my god," Fanny begins to sob. "I'm so glad you're okay!"

"Oh gosh, please don't cry."

"I thought about the last thing I said t'you, yeh know?"

"Eh," Rachel looks as if one of Patton's bombs had been tossed into her room. "Please stop crying."

"And it was lies! All lies!" Fanny hiccups and wipes her eyes on the back of her sleeve. "I never thought...I never wanted..."

Rachel stares. "Wait, I thought you didn't want me anymore."

"I will always want you," Fanny whispers. The two girls stare at each other until Kuki appears over Fanny's shoulder and pokes her in the ribs.

"Ack!"

"Can you like, kiss each other already?" Kuki says. "I swear; you guys are worse than a k-drama." The both of the flush bright red, so Kuki turns away for a minute – with a knowing smile on her face – and when she thinks it's safe to turn back around, she finds Rachel sitting up and leaning back against a pillow. Fanny is under the covers with her, on a different pillow, and she's already half-asleep while nuzzling the side of Rachel's hip.

"I take it she didn't sleep much?" Rachel asks before she takes a swig of soup from the thermos.

"You how when you're falling asleep in class and your head droops, but then you wake up and you just snap your head back up?"

"Yeah?"

"That was her. All day," Kuki smiles as she sits in the seat set by the side of Rachel's bed. "The rest of us took naps, but not her."

There's a pause in which Rachel takes another sip of soup, and Kuki folds her hands in her lap and hums an aimless tune.

"So," Rachel says when the silence becomes too much for her to bear. "What's up?"

"Oh yeah," Kuki says, as if she's only just remembered. "So, Rumplestiltskin kinda rigged your ICD to explode when he sent the right signal, and that's how he brown-mailed Fanny, or something. So she broke up with you to protect you."

"...Oh," Rachel says. "So is he still...you know?"

"Oh!" Kuki claps her hands. "Yeah, no. Hoagie made this new ICD just for you. It's like, not made of metal, so it won't conceive electricity. And he took out the part that submits a signal, so it can't be hacked, but now we have no way of knowing if it needs to be replaced, so you have to pay super close attention to how many episodes you have. Then we can do the math and replace the battery when we need to! Oh, and this time I used dissolving sutures, so they don't need to be taken out. And a special formula of liquid bandage, so it doesn't need to be replaced every five hours or so."

"So...no sling?"

"Not this time," Kuki says.

"Thanks, Kuki," Rachel says. "Can you call Hoagie in for a minute? I need to talk to you both."

Kuki calls Hoagie, and when he comes in, he doesn't give Fanny's sleeping form an extra look.

"Oh good, she's sleeping. What's up, Rachel?"

"You and Hoagie, you guys put cybernetic enhancements on Bradley, right?"

"Uh," Kuki and Hoagie glance at each other. "Yeah, that was us."

"It took less than eleven minutes," Hoagie says.

"I was thinking, Fanny and I are targets, and somehow, everyone knows about my ICD now and so they'll come after me with electricity."

"…Yes?" Hoagie asks.

"I need you two to help me become impervious to electricity."

"Bwuh," Kuki almost goes cross-eyed. "How would that happen? The human body's like, 60 percent water!"

"But you could make it happen," Rachel says. "You and Hoagie together, you're a bio-engineering team!"

"Yeah, that sounds totally doable," Hoagie says. "This is to keep you from succumbing to surprise attacks, right?"

"Right."

"Oh, but," Kuki glances at Fanny. "Giving you an untested thing? Fanny wouldn't like it. She really wouldn't. It's so dangerous and she'd know all the risks, you know?"

"So what?" Hoagie says, and Kuki looks at him as if he has just admitted to eating puppies. "It's Rachel's decision; it's got nothing to do with Fanny."

"I'll talk to her," Rachel whispers. "I promise. She'll be okay with it."

"Well," Kuki hesitates. "Well…it wouldn't hurt to conception some stuff up."

"Conceptualize," Hoagie says.

"Uh, duh. That's what I said."

"Sure," Hoagie shakes his head. "I'll come up with some ideas and pitch 'em to you later."

"Sounds good," Rachel says. "Thanks, you guys. It's a big relief."

"Don't thank us yet," Kuki pats Rachel's knee. "We might not come up with anything good."

"Still, it means a lot."

Kuki waves goodbye as she pushes Hoagie out of the room, and Rachel swirls the dregs of the soup and tips the thermos back to finish it off. She sets the thermos on the bedside table and looks up to see Abby sliding into the room.

"Hello?"

"Hey, baby," Abby sits in the seat that Kuki just vacated. "Abby needs to lay down some gospel, dig?"

"Yeah, sure."

"This is getting out of hand," Abby whispers. "Chad just _buried you alive_. Thaddeus _ordered him to bury you alive_. The both of them intended to _kill you_. You need to finish it."

"I can't do that. I'm not TND."

"Girl, please. You were at the same orientation and training things I was at."

"Yeah, but I've never had to _finish_ anything. And you can't sit there and tell me to pull that card when you've never pulled it."

"Oh, I've pulled it," Abby raises her eyebrows. "A'ight? I've done it before. I know how it goes. That's why I'm suggesting it now."

"Wh-how?" Rachel glances at Fanny, who stirs, but falls back asleep. "Are you serious? What for?"

"Well," Abby wrinkles her nose and leans in. "You know about kiddie pinchers?"

"Ugh, what?"

"That is some adult tyranny I ain't never seen while in the KND, and you've never seen in the KND. Know why?"

Rachel hesitates. "You don't send kids to deal with that kind of thing."

"Exactly. That's like sending sheep to kill a wolf. Ain't gon' happen. It's the TND and AND take care of that ugly mess, so when they sent Sector V, I had to put him away. So I did. I did it again when Hoagie got in trouble, and I thought to do it again when Wally's kid brother got into trouble, but…Wally took care of that himself."

"…Really?"

"Yeah, he saw it as an invitation to play hardball, and…you know how he gets. Point is, I ain't a hypocrite, and you got to put these boys away before they really do kill you."

Rachel sighs. "It's just…putting people away seems so awful."

"Oh it is," Abby says. "It's ugly and messy."

"…Fanny would know…"

"Fanny won't give a shit," Abby says. Rachel does a double-take at her. "I'm serious. Hoagie knows exactly what I've done. He knows everything."

"And…he doesn't care?"

"Not one bit. I do it to protect. I only do it to bad people; people who deserve it. He knows this, and Fanny'll know it. Think about it this way: if you don't stop this now, what might happen to her in the future?"

Rachel's fingers curl around Fanny's shoulder. "…You're being very persuasive."

"Of course I am. I'm the captain of the debate team," Abby leans back with a little smile on her face. "And it's not like Hoagie and them are clueless. They've helped me with this sort of thing before. We'll help you."

"Alright," Rachel says. "I might have a plan. But…I need a weak link."

"You mean the guy you totally scrambled up during St. Patrick's Day? 'Cause everybody and their grams know that fool."

"Uh…yeah," Rachel has the grace to shrink back. "We could start with him."

She and Abby write the details of her plan down on a pad, and when Abby leaves, Rachel sinks down into the bed until she's eye-level with Fanny.

And when Fanny opens her eyes, Rachel does a double-take.

"You're awake?"

"Who could sleep while you and Abby are plotting? I want t'come with you when yeh put Daughenbaugh away."

"…Why? I'm going to be…I don't want you to see me like that."

"Like you're a saint?" Fanny sniffs. "Like I've a spotless ethical record? You're being a sodding drama queen right now, you know. It's insulting."

Rachel opens her mouth to say something, but changes her mind and shakes her head.

"You're probably right. I'm sorry."

Fanny's eyes soften and she scoots forward to kiss Rachel. "I will love you no matter how dreadful you get," she whispers. "You shouldn't doubt that."

"…I love you too."

"…Are you going to cry?"

"No!"

"It's okay! You can cry if you want."

"I'm not…I'm not crying."

_= = = She was a blubbering mess. = = = _

Note Bene: Chad has crossed so many lines…I just cannot fathom how he deals with himself at this point.

I know that in "Kill Bill 2" Beatrice Kiddo breaks through the coffin with the one-inch punch, but all the power in that punch comes from the hips, and would be impossible to do effectively while lying down. Kicking the lid out is a better plan of attack than trying to punch it out. (Kiddo's still bad-ass though. Don't get me wrong.)

It's a good thing this arc is wrapping up, because I will not be able to top "Rumplestiltskin" as one of Thaddeus' nicknames. That's it. I can't do any better than that. Especially when Kuki half-believes that to be his real name. I just…Kuki, please.

And omfg, Kuki's face when Hoagie says it has nothing to do with Fanny. I imagine her being all, "wtf, Hoagie. They're dating, so this is clearly a decision they should be making together. How can you not know they're an item? I thought you were supposed to be perceptive? #GTFO."

So ends Black Saturday, but I'm not done trying to inject symbolism into this story. Please come back for Easter Sunday, in which we put this arc to bed. And please let me know what you think of this story!

-Arty


	10. Easter Sunday

After the sun sets, they find the boy on the roof of the local pharmacy, with a little paper bag of pill bottles that are labeled with names that aren't his. Hoagie parks the bus on the other end of roof, and turns off the headlights so that they don't attract more attention. Rachel approaches the strange boy alone.

"I knew you'd come," the boy sits on a large air-conditioning unit and lets his feet dangle. "I told them that you'd kill us all."

"So you know what happened."

"I was there," the boy rummages around in the bag and takes out a bottle, then with a little flashlight, reads the name of the medication. "I tried to free you."

"…Thanks, I guess," Rachel pauses as the boy pops the top off his bottle with practiced ease, then shakes two pills into his hand. These he puts into his mouth. "I need to know who else was there."

"Of course," the pills crack in the boy's mouth. "For vengeance. It's your job to do that."

"It's…uh," Rachel grimaces. "It's kinda not."

"It's your _right_," the boy says. His hand reaches back into the bag. "You don't need to persuade _me_. I understand now."

There's another pause. Rachel jams her hands into her pockets to warm them and the boy takes two more pills, only different ones. His little adam's apple bobs as he swallows.

"I'm…sorry," Rachel says. "If I knew this would happen I would've never scared you like that two weeks ago."

"Don't do that. I should thank you. I see now, you know. Because of what you did, I'm no longer a Teen Ninja," the boy caps the bottles and drops them into the bag. "Pay attention, Vengeance. I will only say each name once."

Within her pocket, Rachel turns on a recording device.

_= = = … = = = _

Chad sleeps with a nightlight. Rachel knows this because she is standing in the doorway to his room, and as she watches, she waits. Eventually, Kuki appears at her elbow and gently pushes her aside. She drops a handkerchief (doused with chloroform) over Chad's face, then reaches into a shoulderbag and takes out a roll of tools. This she unfurls over Chad's knees, and it turns out to be a roll of syringes and other medical things. Kuki pulls on a pair of latex gloves, reaches under the covers and pulls out one of Chad's arms. She preps him as if to draw blood, but instead of drawing anything, she empties two syringes into the IV needle. After cleaning up, she whips the handkerchief off of Chad's face, hands it to Rachel, and slides back out of the room.

"Remember," Abby whispers from behind her. "Don't hurt him. Leave no mark. None."

"Got it," Rachel pushes the door closed, then pulls the desk chair towards his bedside. She sits down, rolls up a nearby magazine, and swats his nose.

"Hey!" Chad wakes up. He sees Rachel and pales. "Wh-you're supposed to be dead!"

"You think a little box and some dirt will stop me? How precious," Rachel's eyes turn hard. "I've read a lot of law books and what you did? That's attempted murder. You attempted to murder me. It wasn't even an accident."

Chad's face turns red as he strains in vain to move, but he can't. _He just can't_.

"And it didn't work, Chad. And now I'm in your _house_. And you are so helpless and," Rachel extends her first two fingers and presses against his adam's apple.

"Hggrk!" Chad chokes.

"It would be like crushing an ant. Like under your thumb. You're an ant, Chad. And that's an insult to the ant." She takes her hand away from his throat and moves to one of his eyes; keeping the eyelids apart. "I bet you'd look good with a glass eye."

"No," Chad begins crying. "Stop!"

"Beg. Beg me."

"Please stop! Please. I'm so sorry!"

"Beg for your parents too, Chad," Rachel whispers as she pulls her hands away. "They're on the other side of the house, aren't they?"

"No! Please don't hurt them."

"Okay."

"O…okay?"

"What will you give me in return?"

"What!"

"What will you give me for your lives," she emphasizes each word. "You can't get something for nothing, you know."

"…You're the fucking devil."

"Yes I am. And it's really too bad it took you this long to realize," Rachel pauses. "Tell you what. I will let you live and in return, you do nothing. In the future, if any Teen Ninja pesters me, or Fanny, in any way, for any reason, I will assume it's because of you. Even if it isn't because of you, I will go straight to you and we'll have another one of these chats. Do we have a deal?"

"That's it?"

"That's it. You make you and your buddies scarce, or I will do it for you."

"…Deal."

Rachel drops Kuki's handkerchief over his face, knocking him out. "Done," she says, and Kuki opens the door. "Excuse me." She pushes past the two girls and goes to the bathroom, where she empties her stomach into the toilet.

"Hrrrk."

Abby appears in the doorway of the bathroom. "Maybe this was a bad idea."

"I'm fine," Rachel spits into the toilet and flushes, then goes to the medicine cabinet.

"You're gonna be doing this all night, girl. It doesn't get easier."

"I'm fine," Rachel tips some mouthwash back, gurgles, and spits into the sink. "Don't tell Fanny."

"What?"

"Don't. Tell. Fanny."

"But…" The two of them pause as Wally and Hoagie come down the hallway, carrying a long pine box between them and a heavy sack of garden soil.

"No."

Abby crosses her arms. "Your girl ain't stupid."

"I didn't say she was."

"No, but you actin' like she is."

They listen as Wally and Hoagie put Chad inside the box, nail the lid down, and put in a few breathing holes so that he won't suffocate.

"Numbuh Five could do the rest," Abby says. "She don't…react…as strongly as you do."

"No, I can do it."

"Mmmhmm."

"I'm serious. I can do it." Rachel screws the cap back onto the mouthwash and walks out, leaving Sector V to rip up the bag of garden soil and scatter dirt everywhere in Chad's room.

_= = = Mighty McKenzie: 2, Douchebag Dickson: 1. Game. Set. Match. = = = _

After visiting the last Teen Ninja, and while they drive off to Thaddeus' house, Rachel goes to the back of the bus and collapses onto the bunk that she took last time. Fanny follows her, and when she pushes the cushion aside, Rachel rolls over and curls up.

"No."

"No?" Fanny reaches out for Rachel's shoulder, but she moves away.

"Don't…no," Rachel says. "Just don't. I'm a terrible person."

"Don't say that," Fanny crawls into the bunk and puts her arms around her. "I call big spoon."

"What? No!"

"Too late," Fanny squishes her cheek against Rachel's back, between her shoulder blades. "Don't push, you'll make me fall."

"Ugh," Rachel sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose. "Fanny, your girlfriend's a psycho nut-job."

"Don't insult my girlfriend."

"Ha ha," Rachel sighs and brushes her fingertips over Fanny's knuckles. "Well, she is. The only time she's able to lie is when she threatens to kill people."

"Then it's a good thing she's lying then, innit? Did she like threatenin' those boys?"

"No! I mean, she'll take them all on in a fight no problem, but like this? This is…I don't even know. She doesn't know."

"Then she isn't a horrid person is she? Those villains, they like what they do. There's that evil laugh…"

"Cackle."

"Yes, thank you. They cackle. They live to do evil. It's what gets them out of bed in the morning, and there's really no reason fer it. Now mah girlfriend, she could go a month without doing this again, yeah?"

"A month? She can go the rest of her life without doing this again."

"Then she isn't evil. Alright?"

Rachel's silent for a long time. Just a Fanny begins to wonder if she's fallen asleep, she says, "Yeah, okay."

"Let me see."

Slowly, so that none of them fall from the bunk, Rachel turns around. There are shadows under her eyes and her lips are cracking. Fanny sucks in air through her teeth and traces a lip with her thumb.

"How are you still dehydrated? You've been drinking water all evening."

"…Well, it's like…uh…"

"Where is it going? Ya aren't pissin' it out."

Rachel flushes. "Can you not play detective with my body?"

"And ya aren't bleedin' neither, are you?"

"No. It's no big deal, really."

"So yer spewing it out. You've been spewing, haven't you? I can't smell it – your breath smells like mouthwash – but you are."

"Ugh, Fanny," Rachel covers her eyes. "No."

"Yes, you have, and you're covering it up. Stop lying to me," Fanny sits up and puts her hands on either side of Rachel, so that she hovers over her. "This has got to stop."

"But," Rachel's hands find Fanny's forearm and elbow. "I'm not done scaring off all these guys yet."

"Will you look at yerself? This needs to stop, love. You need to rest."

"This has to happen tonight. Anything after won't have as big an impact."

"Och, like yer the only one who knows how to deal with this," Fanny leans down and kisses her cheek. "I need a girlfriend, not a martyr."

"Hmm," Rachel looks away as she thinks. "Maybe, but…"

"I could give you another kiss…help you decide."

The corners of Rachel's mouth twitch. "Oh, like bribery?"

"Exactly. I could, you know," here, Fanny folds her arms so that she could get to Rachel's ear and whisper, "use my body."

"Zero," Rachel's leg twitches. "Please…don't…"

Fanny pulls away and laughs. "That's the shoddiest fib you've ever told, love!"

"Rrrgh," Rachel covers her red face. "Fanny, what the hell? You're such a tease!"

"Alright, alright, I'm sorry," Fanny giggles. "I'm sorry. Forgive me?"

"No," Rachel crosses her arms. "You'll need to bribe me."

Fanny's brows go up and the two girls stare at each other until Rachel's face cracks into a smile.

"Ahahaha!"

"Oh gosh, that was pretty good."

"Ahah, yeah?" Rachel sits up and wipes a tear from her eye.

"Yeah, I was considering pulling some drastic action."

"Ah, well you don't have to bribe," Rachel kisses Fanny's temple. "Oh man…we were talking about something else, right?"

"Yeah, I don't think you should take on Daughenbaugh."

"Who do you think should replace me?"

"…Let me do it."

"What? No! You can't."

"Why not?"

Rachel wrinkles her nose. "Just no."

"This isn't just any other boy, this is Daughenbaugh," Fanny says. "Everythin' he's done so far: the kidnappings, blackmail…it was so he could get to me. I have to tell him, love. I have to show him that he can't do that to me anymore. That I'm not _afraid_."

"…I don't want you to feel…bad."

"I assure you, I won't."

"Do you know how? I don't think you took that training thing."

"I…" Fanny drops her gaze. "I asked Abby about it earlier. It was always my plan to deal with Daughenbaugh; you being like this just gives me another reason to do it. She gave me a crash course. I'm sorry."

"She agreed with you."

"Yeah. Please don't be mad."

Rachel takes her hands. "But lots of things could go wrong. It could go so wrong…Fanny, please."

"It's alright, I've got a gun," Fanny says. "Abby says that she's gonna listen at the door, just in case. You could do that too."

"…Fine, I will. And hey, while you're in there with him, if something goes wrong, then you say so, okay? I'll run in and bust his ass."

"What should I yell?"

"I don't know. Something that has nothing to do with anything. Something random. Then I'll know."

The curtain rustles and Abby comes in, holding an unopened water bottle. "Hey."

"Hi," Rachel says.

"Kuki said to drink this," Abby hands her the water bottle. "Said you'd be dehydrated."

"Thanks."

"No problem. Listen. About the last guy…"

"Oh yeah, Fanny talked to me about it," Rachel says. "It's okay."

"Oh," Abby sighs in relief. "Okay then. Since everybody's cool, I'll just get to it: Fanny, what's your plan?"

_= = = Unfortunately, Castration was set aside. = = = _

Fanny pulls back on the slide of her gun as she enters the house. She sits in an armchair in the living room that has a clear view of Thaddeus' door and shoots the door, rattling it on its hinges. After a minute, Thaddeus opens the door and sees her.

"Oh," he says. "It's you, Francine."

"It's 'Fulbright' to you," Fanny says. "Only the people close to me get to call me by my first name."

"You shouldn't talk to me like that." Thaddeus slips the car remote from his pocket and opens up an application on his smart phone. "Apologize."

"Never."

He smirks as he presses the panic button, then looks up to see Fanny sneering at him, her blue eyes dark with malice.

"Shall we play a game, Daughenbaugh?" Fanny picks up a book and weighs it in her hand. "It's a pretend game. Imagination. Should be pretty easy."

Thaddeus chuckles and shakes his head. "Something so simple couldn't wait until morning? McKenzie is dead. Don't you care?"

Fanny sets the book in her lap and grips it. Hopefully, he doesn't notice her trembling. "Let's imagine that you succeeded in killing Rachel McKenzie. Not just now, but earlier, when Dickson buried her in the cemetery."

The smile is wiped off of Thaddeus' face. "I didn't…"

"You called the hit; you're responsible," Fanny's knuckles are white. "Let's pretend…pretend that she…What were you going to do after? Tell me she was alright?"

Thaddeus flexes his hands, as if wanting to grab something.

"I think you were going t'keep me on a leash," Fanny says. "You'd tell me that if I was a good girl, I could see her. You'd send Chad to dig her up, wouldn't you? Give me locks of her hair, snips of her clothes? If I was really good though, I could see _her_. Is that right?"

Thaddeus rolls his eyes.

"_Am I right!"_ Fanny draws her gun and aims at him.

"…Yes."

Fanny lowers her gun. "Let's pretend that you were able to keep me for years. Years and years. Perhaps when Rachel's memory wasn't enough to keep me, you'd move on into threatening me with the other members of my family. You'd blackmail me into marriage, wouldn't you?"

"Yes."

"You'd blackmail me into bed. Maybe into having your kid? That was your plan, wasn't it?"

"It's…it was more or less the same," Thaddeus ducks as Fanny throws the book at him.

"You bastard!" Fanny brings up her gun and Thaddeus cowers and falls upon the floor.

"Stop!"

"You don't get it, do you? You don't get to tell me what to do anymore. You've done that all weekend, and now it's my turn," Fanny stands up. "Now dance."

Thaddeus straightens up a bit. "Pardon?"

"Why not? Beg while you dance too."

"I don't understand…"

"Do a feckin' jig," Fanny points the gun at his feet. "The Macarena, I don't care. Dance!"

She pulls the trigger.

Outside, Abby and Rachel press their ears against one of the windowpanes while Kuki pokes one of the wilting roses on an overgrown bush. Even without trying to listen, she can hear Fanny's yelling ("Do 'I'm a Little Teapot!'" "Hop on one foot. While spinning." "Louder!"), Thaddeus' muffled shouts ("I'm a little…a little teapot – oh my God…"), and the shots from Fanny's gun.

"She's a natural," Abby says, with the same ease that one talks about the weather. "I thought she'd freeze up or something, but she's pretty comfortable with all this."

"…Yeah," Rachel says.

"And she don't need that safeword either."

Rachel jaw drops as Abby cracks a smile. Kuki puts a hand over her mouth to stifle her giggle.

"You were eavesdropping?"

"No, but Kuki was."

"Kuki!"

"I'm sorry," Kuki's face colors and she ducks her head.

"No, you're not."

"Hm-hm," Kuki laughs through her nose. "No. I'm not. But I didn't tell anyone else. Just Abby."

"Okay, well you know what?" Rachel says. "It isn't a safeword."

Kuki and Abby share a look before Kuki presses her hands over her eyes and shakes her head.

"A'ight then," Abby says. "So that random word that Fanny'll call out if something goes wrong so that everything stops? You know, from all this…risky behavior? A word that the two of you agreed on beforehand? That ain't a safeword?"

"…Ah," Rachel's blush reaches all the way down to her neck. "No…it's not."

"Honey, that's a safeword."

"I can't believe you and Fanny use safewords with each other already," Kuki says. "That's really fast."

"It is not!"

Abby's brows go up and she and Kuki share another look.

"Urgh, that's not what I meant," Rachel stammers and grinds her teeth. "Oh for Zero's sake! Are you an expert?"

"Don't be ashamed," Kuki says. "That's totally super healthy in a relationship, setting boundaries like that. And it's cute!"

"It's…urrgh," Rachel pinches the bridge of her nose. "Okay, you know what? I'm done talking."

The three girls fall together in a heap as the front door slams open. Fanny marches out with a different gun in hand and Thaddeus staggers out behind her.

"No, wait, please!"

"It's too late," Fanny stops at the edge of the sidewalk, the toes of her boots orange in the lamp-light. "Three days too late." She whips up her hand and throws Thaddeus' pocketwatch high into the air, where the case glints. Then she raises her gun, exhales, and pulls the trigger. Instead of a jolt of electricity, an actual bullet goes right through the middle of the watch, twisting the case and scattering parts everywhere on the street. Thaddeus puts his hands on his head and falls to his knees on the driveway.

"Oh Zero," Abby takes her hat off. "That was beautiful."

Fanny turns around and aims at Thaddeus' head. "If you talk to me again, if you threaten me or any of my friends, I promise that you'll look just like that watch. Understand?"

Thaddeus glares at her and she steps closer and presses the muzzle of the gun to his temple.

"Understand?"

"Yes."

"'Yes, ma'am.'"

"…Yes…ma'am."

Fanny holsters her gun and walks down the sidewalk. Thaddeus slumps onto the concrete and Abby and Rachel push Kuki towards Fanny.

"Go," Rachel hisses.

"Huh?"

"Girl, move!" Abby gets to her feet and takes Kuki's hand.

"Oh, _oh!_" Kuki picks up her skirt and runs with the others to the bus.

_= = = … = = = _

As soon as Hoagie parks on the roof of a tall, accounting building, Wally brings out several six packs chilling in a cooler and passes a few bottles around. They're from a freebie box, so each bottle has a different flavor.

"Soda? Really?" Rachel pauses as Wally uncaps her green bottle and moves on. "Why?"

"Because thanks to tonight," Abby says. "Technically, you can say you're a specialist instead of just a consultant."

"Oh yeah," Rachel mumbles to herself and lowers her gaze. "Just a consultant."

"…And," Abby continues. "Congrats are in order for Fanny. Good job, girl. You're free."

"Hah," Fanny raises her bottle and everyone joins in on the toast. "I'll drink t'that!"

_= = = One Hour Later… = = = _

Empty bottles fill the kitchen sink and stand on the counter, and bottlecaps litter the tabletops and the floor. Wally sinks an unsteady hand into the cooler and rummages around, then brings out a bottle that looks like it's filled with water.

"Okay, okay, I got somethin' here," he stands up and goes to the cabinet for four small, plastic cups. "You take a shot," Wally divvies up the bottle between the four cups. "And then you eat a cupcake. It's a cupcake chaser."

"I dunno, squirt," Abby looks at the cups out the side of her eyes. "Sounds nasty."

"I'll try it," Hoagie says.

"Me too!" Kuki picks up one of the cups in one hand and a cupcake in the other. "Ready!"

"Okay. Three, two, one," Wally, Hoagie, and Kuki tip their cups back.

"Ugh!" Kuki drops her cup and sputters while the boys smush their cupcakes into their mouths. "That soda's so gross!" She runs off to the bathroom.

"Foofy, 'ait," Wally says around his cupcake. He swallows and coughs, then follows her. "The cupcake! You're supposed to eat the cupcake right after!"

"It was okay," Haogie shrugs and opens two bottles. One is blue that's so bright it could glow, and the other one's dark as licorice. He hands one to Abby. "Not great, but okay."

"It's okay, baby. You don't have to be polite."

"It was nasty," Hoagie whispers, then chugs down his soda. "So nasty, Abby. I don't think that was soda Wally gave us."

In the back of the bus, lounging on a mattress and pillows pulled from a bunk, are Rachel and Fanny. Rachel kicks idly at a bottle so it spins a little, and when it slows to a stop, she leans over and kisses Fanny on the cheek.

Fanny giggles. "Rach, it wasn't even pointing at me."

"Hmm," Rachel moves to Fanny's jaw. "It'll always point at you."

"Oh," Fanny closes her eyes. "Lucky yer a girl. It wouldn't….uh…wouldn't work if ya were a boy. Oop!"

Fanny falls onto her back, taking Rachel with her.

"Oof! Sorry." Rachel raises herself on her palms and her bangs fall in her face. "You okay?"

"Yeah."

"…Do you really not feel bad about dissing Tom Thumb?"

"Ugh, you tease," Fanny covers her eyes and sighs.

"Yeah, that's what it feels like."

"…Oh."

"'Oh' is right. But seriously, you didn't feel bad about shooting him up?"

"Absolutely none," Fanny says. "He had it coming."

"He did," Rachel pulls away and sits up. "Chad called me the devil."

"Rach…"

"He said, 'you're the devil,' and I said, 'yes, I am,'" Rachel taps her finger against her knee.

"You did what you had to," Fanny says. "Anything less wouldn't be drastic enough. It wouldn't stick."

"…You think so?"

"I know so. Come on, love. Let's see what all the screamin's about." Fanny helps Rachel up and they push past the curtain. "What's going on?"

"Smell for yourself," Abby gestures to the bottle on the table. Fanny and Rachel slide into the booth across from her and Hoagie and while Rachel uncaps two fresh bottles, Fanny raises the mystery bottle to her nose.

"Eeh," Fanny wrinkles her nose and sets the bottle away from her. "That's…I dunno what that is. Definitely ain't soda."

"Maybe it's whiskey?"

"It ain't whiskey and it ain't scotch," Fanny says, then frowns. "Ain't beer either."

"How do you kno-nevermind," Hoagie drinks some soda. "Does anyone else feel like they're forgetting something?"

Abby sighs. "Abby's felt that way all night."

"Me too," Fanny says. "Huh. Think it's the same thing?"

All the way across town, sitting on the front step with his duffle bag, is Patton. He takes out his cell phone and goes over his texts:

_Yeah, I'll help. Pick me up at my house_

_N2, where are you? You're 3 hrs late _

_Did you find n362? _

_No one's responding! WHAT'S GOING ON?_

_= = = And that's why Patton wasn't seen in this arc. = = = _

Note Bene: This story has a lot of pillow talk. I just noticed this, but I'm okay with it.

I really did not expect the self-medicating boy from St. Patrick's Day to show up more than once. I really didn't. And now the more I write him, the more fond of him I get. How's that for developing an OC?

Kuki's syringes were filled with a special combination of tranquilizers and muscle relaxants that would keep Chad paralyzed without making him unable to talk.

Fanny only knew what Thaddeus' master plan was because Abby was able to figure it out. After the…confrontation, Rachel's old ICD and Thaddeus' car remote were put in evidence bags and were filed away in the TND system.

Rachel's experience makes her a valued consultant for the TND, but she doesn't run missions because her ICD means that she has a physical liability and the TND can't let her be their field agent in good conscience.

Please enjoy these Omakes. They're extras that aren't really a part of the story, but are still pretty funny.

_= = = Omake = = =_

"Shall we play a game, Daughenbaugh?" Fanny picks up a book and weighs it in her hand. "It's a pretend game. Imagination. Should be pretty easy."

Thaddeus chuckles and shakes his head. "Something so simple couldn't wait until morning?"

"Using a girl's love against her? I cannot accept that," Fanny stands up and begins posturing with her arms and hands. "As the champion of misandry, I will never forgive you. In the name of the moon, I will punish you!"

_= = = Omake 2 = = = _

"Shall we play a game, Daughenbaugh?" Fanny picks up a book and weighs it in her hand. "It's a pretend game. Imagination. Should be pretty easy."

Thaddeus chuckles and shakes his head. "Something so simple couldn't wait until morning?"

"You're right, it can't!" Rachel bursts in through the window, does a barrel roll, and lands perfectly on her feet, scattering broken glass around her. "Bitch!" she begins swatting Thaddeus around the head with a rolled-up magazine. "It's _my name_ she's screaming!"

"Ah!" Thaddeus falls to the floor and curls up. "I'm sorry!"

"That's right, asshole!"

Fanny leans forward in her seat and bites her lower lip. Her fingers tighten on the hem of her skirt.


	11. April Fools Day

Fanny's mother is humming. She sashays around the kitchen, getting ingredients together for a stew she's cooking, and she sends her daughter knowing smiles. Fanny sits at the kitchen table and watches her mother from over the top of a paperback book, her brow crinkled. After the fifth look, Fanny sets her book down and asks,

"What is it?"

Her mother says. "I signed you up to be the princess for this year's Games."

"What?" Fanny launches herself out of her chair, her face already reddening. "You did not!"

"I did."

"You did not!" Fanny switches to Gaelic. _"They decided not to do that again! Last year was an experiment."_

"_They changed their mind!"_ her mother replies in Gaelic too and her face begins to color. _"You're going to be the princess and boys will compete for you."_

"_I'm dating Rachel."_

"_No you're not. That restraining order's going to be approved sooner or later, so you might as well get over it."_

"_What?"_ Fanny stammers for a bit. _"You _what_?"_

"I am doing you a favor," Fanny's mother narrows her eyes. "You are going to date a nice Gaelic boy, and that's final."

"Ugh," Fanny takes her coat and runs out of the kitchen. Her mother calls after her, but she ignores her and leaves through the front door. She doesn't bother to keep the door from slamming shut behind her. After pulling on her coat, Fanny takes out her cell phone and calls Rachel.

"_Hi, Fanny!"_ Rachel pauses, then when Fanny doesn't answer, _"Are you okay?"_

"Uh…" Fanny sighs and starts walking down the street. "Can you pick me up?"

"_Yeah, sure. Hey, Kuki's repainting the Sector V bus. You wanna go watch?"_

"…Yeah."

_= = = Three of Kuki's initial designs were rejected by the TND. = = = _

Kuki, dressed in paint-spattered clothes, spreads out a long, wide, and dirty tarp over the concrete floor of the hangar, and motions to Hoagie to park the Sector V bus on top of it. The bus, fresh from repairs, has blank metal panels in the body where damaged ones used to be. Kuki twists her hair back into a messy bun and pulls on a respirator mask and goggles. At her feet are crates of spray paint, wide stencils, and a hamster, rolling around in a clear plastic ball outfitted with special filters embedded in the airholes, so it won't breathe in any fumes. Hoagie steps out of the bus and helps Abby, Wally, Fanny, and Rachel tape off the headlights, the windows, and the tires, then everyone steps back to watch Kuki work.

"Here," Hoagie digs into his pockets and takes out a baggie of gummies. "Take some."

"Hmm," Rachel glances away from Kuki setting up tall step-ladders to reach the roof of the bus. "What are they?"

"I got 'em from the scientists," Hoagie chews on a handful. "They're supposed to give you the ability to speak in a different language, but they don't even know if they'll work."

"Untested huh?" Abby asks.

"Yeah."

"Abby'll pass."

"Hell, I'll take some," Wally takes a fistful, and Rachel and Fanny shrug at each other and take a few each.

"Blegh," Fanny wrinkles her nose. "Zero, these taste horrid."

"Eww, gross," Rachel flicks one at Hoagie's head. "They taste like cough medicine!"

"Hey! Not my fault," Hoagie ducks his head as everyone starts pelting him with gummies. "I had nothing to do with making them."

"Ah dinnae come here fer any crap, Gilligan," Fanny trails off as everyone stops and stares at her. Even Kuki pauses in applying primer to look and the hamster rolls to a stop on the roof of the bus.

"Whoa," Wally laughs. "What the fuck, Fanny!"

"Wot?"

Wally begins giggling like an idiot and nudges Hoagie, whose face twitches. "It's uh…your voice. Your accent."

"Y'shute yer trap, ya wee bastard! Iss jast mah accent."

"Yeah, but Fanny," Rachel bites her bottom lip to keep from smiling. "It's…thicker than usual."

"Och, nae 't ain't! This's how Ah allays talkdjkfdljsalsekfeoicnsk," Fanny, her eyes wide, claps a hand over her mouth.

Rachel leans back, as if to get a good look at her girlfriend. "It's getting worse."

"…Yeah," Hoagie looks at the baggie in his hands. "It's probably this stuff."

Everyone pauses for a moment and looks around, expecting someone else to talk nonsense. When no one else succumbs, Abby takes a gummy from Hoagie and holds it up to the light. "We gotta let 'em know it works…sort of. Which scientists you take this off of, Hoagie?"

"You know. The guys at that one lab."

"Those guys who be sadistic as hell?" Abby asks. "The ones in the sewer?"

Hoagie sighs. "They don't live in the sewer."

"So they moved then? Don't answer that," Abby tosses the gummy back into the baggie. "We are payin' them a visit."

"No, Abby, come on! It'll just wear off."

"You gon' tell this girl to wait?" Everyone looks at Fanny, who crosses her arms.

"…No, but," Hoagie stares for a moment, then, "Cat got your tongue?"

"Augh," Wally puts his hand over his face and Fanny sighs.

"Please don't wander off, Fanny," Hoagie says. "You'll be lost in translation."

"Oh geeze," Abby groans and pulls the bill of her cap down over her face. "Wrap it up, baby. We got places to be."

"Okay, okay," Hoagie bites his lower lip. "One more. Can I interest you in some weed? You'll be Rosetta Stoned."

"Hah!" Rachel snorts. "That one was good."

"Good nothing," Abby says. "You took your free shots and now you gotta introduce us to those fools. They gotta have a fix for this stuff."

"Deal," Hoagie rubs his hands together with glee and takes one step towards the bus, only to have Kuki point the paint gun at him.

"You're not taking this bus," Kuki takes off the respirator so she can talk better.

"What? Kuki, we have to take that bus! It was just repaired."

"But I'm working on the bus!"

"You can work on it later."

"YOU'RE NOT TAKING THE BUS," Kuki's face turns brick red and her eyes begin to glow. A puff of smoke shoots from her mouth, and the hamster throws up gang signs and pounds on its chest with its little paws.

"Okay, okay!" Hoagie holds up his hands and Kuki's complexion returns to normal. "Yeah, no, just go right ahead. You're doing a good job." He turns to Wally and the rest of the girls and shrugs. "Welp. Guess we're not going anywhere. Too bad."

Abby raises her brow. "Ain't you got those other cars?"

"…Yeah, but those aren't ready. They're works in progress."

"You tested one just the other day."

"Still isn't ready."

"Oh you," but whatever Abby is about to say, no one finds out, because Fanny cuts in.

"_Beep-boop boop, boop beep beep…"_ She doesn't have to move her tongue or her lips to pronounce anything, and she still sounds exactly like a dial-up tone.

Wally backs up and looks at Fanny as if she's possessed. "Zero h fuck…"

"_Bipbip….beeeeeeeeoooooooooooooouuuuuuuurrrrp…"_

Hoagie covers his ears and scrunches his eyes shut. "No. Nope. No."

"_Ksssssshshsshshrshshshshshrrshshshshrrshhhrshrhrhrhrshshrhrhshrshhsrhshs…"_

"Stop!" Hoagie grinds his teeth. "DIAL-UP IS DEAD!"

"_Bipbip-krrrshshrshhrrhshrshrrshrhshrhshrshrssshhh…"_

"Okay, fine! Let's go take that freaking car."

"I'm staying here with Kuki," Wally says. "Carry stuff up to her, that kind of shit."

"Oh yeah?" Hoagie winks and Wally's ears turn red. "Okay then."

"Have fun," Abby grins at him and takes Hoagie's arm. "Good luck."

"Huwag kalimutan sa magbalot iyon."

"…I don't know what that means," Wally wrinkles his nose. "But I don't like it."

Abby gives a dark chuckle. "Girl that was evil."

"You understand that?" Rachel asks.

"Understand enough," Abby takes Fanny and Rachel's arms and leads the way through the hangar. "It got Abby past her linguistics tests anyway. Come on, you."

_= = = Hamster didn't choose the thug life. Thug life chose the hamster. = = = _

The research lab, smelling like vinegar and formaldehyde and stationed in a large, rusty bunker under the city, is run by four scientists, five guinea pigs, and a research assistant, who is running on vitamin shots and energy drinks as she power-walks through the place with papers and folders sliding out from under her arms.

"Gawkers! You're not supposed to be here," the assistant snaps as she drops a stained hand-towel over a mysterious puddle on the floor. She steps on it, so that the towel will better mop up the mess. "What do you want?"

"Ain't labs supposed to be clean?" Abby asks.

"Oh, you're talking about those shiny labs that the officers tour," the assistant rolls her eyes. "Those smug bastards get all the funding and the new toys and they don't know what the hell to do with them. It's like giving a dog a fucking car. V12 engine and dual exhaust and shit. Yeah, no. Labs like ours do the real work."

"Don't you need the new gear?" Rachel asks. "How do you get your own equipment?"

"We steal it from those pussies. Duh," the assistant picks up the damp hand towel and tosses it into a smudged sink. "But seriously, you guys aren't supposed to be here. Especially if you haven't had your booster shots. What do you want?"

"Uh, well," Hoagie holds out the bag of gummies and the assistant gasps and snatches it from him.

"You took this? You thieving fuck, that's TND property! Don't touch that," the assistant says the last part to Rachel, whose fingertip is about to touch the edge of dirty test tubes. The chemical-stained tables wobble under the weight of complex glassware, disjointed parts of Rube Goldberg machines, and jars of pickled organs. Under the dim lighting, one of the stains on the table looks like dried blood. Rachel's eyes widen and she puts her hand in her pocket.

"Congratulations," Abby says. "It works and we need an antidote."

"…Really?" the assistant looks at everyone in turn. "Who? Who is it?"

"C'est moi," Fanny says.

"Oh, _oh_!" the assistant takes out a medical flashlight and shines it into Fanny's face. "Say, 'ah.'"

Fanny wrinkles her nose and pulls away. "Вы плохо пахнуть."

"Isn't working very well," the assistant frowns. "Eh, still progress. Stick out your tongue. Are there any other symptoms? Take off your shirt."

"Kuso kurae!"

Rachel swats the flashlight away. "Hey. You have the rest of the candy, so test from that. We need the antidote now. Where are the scientists?"

"Still asleep," the assistant checks her watch. "From ingesting special paper. They'll be out until three."

"Then give us the antidote or else," Rachel says. Fanny nods from behind her shoulder.

"Hah!" the assistant points at her face. "You see my eye?"

"Yeah."

"No, you don't!" she reaches up and puts her thumb into her eye, popping it out so she can roll it over her knuckles the same way Rachel would roll a coin. "It's fake. I lost it in an experiment. See my leg?"

"Uh," Abby's the only one who hasn't recoiled away from her. The others cower behind her. "Is that fake too?"

"Nah, it's real," the assistant pulls up her pant leg to reveal a skin tone that doesn't match her hands or face. "But it's someone else's leg. We're just borrowing it for now."

Hoagie turns green and sways on the spot and Fanny mutters something in German.

"Abby heard that, and she completely agrees," Abby takes a deep breath. "Why tell us all this?"

"To prove that you can't threaten me! Anything you can come up with, I've already done in the name of science," the assistant fixes herself and straightens up. "Or probably plan to already. Care to try again?"

"…Can you give us the antidote, please," Rachel asks. The assistant grins.

"Better. Come with me," she leads everyone into a filthy operation room, with a pushcart that's missing two of its wheels and a dentist chair with ripped upholstery and fingernail marks in the armrests. The floor is sticky and two of the overhead lights are broken. The assistant goes to the cabinets and begins rifling through them. She drops tools onto the floor, including a corkscrew, a hand-vacuum, several ballpoint pens, and a tangled slinky. She finally stops and holds up a tin of lozenges.

"Aha!" she opens it up and holds it out to Fanny. "Here. Oh, but you should lie down first."

Everyone looks at the worn dentists chair from the corner of their eyes and Fanny shakes her head.

"Oh, is this about taking things from strangers?" the assistant smiles and holds out her right hand, which they only notice now is missing most of the pinky and the first joint of the ring finger. "Hi, I'm Lovelace, but you can call me Lacy. It's nice to meet you."

Fanny gives a pained smile as she loosely shakes her hand.

"Yes, good," Lacy practically beams at her as she steers Fanny to the chair. "Sit, sit! It's okay, I won't strap you down."

Fanny looks back at Rachel with wide eyes and Rachel grinds her teeth and clenches her hands.

"It'll knock you out," Lacy makes Fanny sit down and gestures for her to lie back. "Flush out your system."

"¿É este o seu sangue na cadeira?"

"It probably is," Abby says, and Fanny's eyes widen.

"Yes, yes, it's different for everyone, but you'll wake up eventually," Lacy holds out the tin. "Well?"

"Wait," Rachel says to Fanny. "You don't have to do that. Don't get me wrong; I'd like you to not sound like a robot anymore, but still."

Fanny opens her mouth and _"3"_ comes out.

"How…how did you even pronounce," Hoagie stares at them with wide eyes. "Never mind. I don't wanna know."

Fanny takes a lozenge with two fingers and eats it, then her eyes roll back and she goes limp.

"Gotcha, bitch," Lacy says. Everyone else recoils.

"That wasn't the antidote?"

"You liar!" Rachel makes a grab at her shirt collar.

"Whoa, whoa," Lacy holds up her hands. "Yeah, that was the antidote! Calm down. What, I can't make jokes?"

_= = = And now for something completely different. = = = _

When Fanny was younger, her mother once took everyone on vacation to a medieval reenactment village. There was a castle, and a working blacksmiths and everything, but their visit was cut short because little Shaunie fell in a horse patty. (She might have pushed him in. Wasn't the proudest moment of her life, but that's irrelevant.) Now, Fanny finds herself in the Great Hall of a castle and wearing a medieval dress.

She sits at the head table with her father, who wears a tartan that – if Fanny thinks too hard about it – isn't the kind that he should be wearing, and her mother, who wears a coronet on her head. Someone behind her coughs, and somehow, Fanny remembers that there are five of her father's men standing guard just out of her view. There was no way that her people would trust her and her parents with the people they're sitting with.

Across from them sit three Norsemen, and behind _them_ stand two more. The Norsemen are dressed in furs like her father, and they have knives and axes and swords like her father's men, but they also wear iron helmets and leather armor. The Norseman in the middle wears a cloth eye mask over his face under his helmet, and a set of chainmail over his black tunic. Everything he wears is black.

Like how sometimes our brains make up information to feed us while we dream; concoct false memories and backstories and such so that we may not question the bizarre scenarios until after we wake up, Fanny looks at the Norseman dressed in black and remembers that she is looking at her betrothed.

His name is Thor Grimmson, and he has no beard. The other men his age scratch at sparse sideburns and thin mustaches and goatees, but Thor's face is boyishly smooth. Unfortunately, the lower half of his face is the only part of him that's visible, as the rest of him in bundled in chainmail and in that infernal mask.

"You honor me, your majesties," Grimmson says to Fanny's parents in a soft, low voice. Fanny's surprised, because he is speaking in Gaelic. "With your generosity."

"Then we are agreed?" Fanny's mother asks. She looks awfully smug.

"We are agreed," Grimmson says, and then his men haul him to his feet so he can shake hands with Fanny's father. They finalize details of the ceremony and the following feast, and then where they shall live and how many people will serve as their retinue.

Grimmson doesn't look at her. Not once. Not even while she offers her opinion. At least he doesn't contradict her, and agrees with all of her suggestions. But as soon as the Norsemen leave, Fanny excuses herself and walks through the castle. She disguises herself in a cloak before she lets herself out into the village using a side gate.

Before today, the village has been split between her people and the Norsemen. Some of the Vikings have sent for their families, and now the two cultures mingle…through brawls and swordfights.

But to Fanny's disgust, the entire village seems to have gotten past the dislike. The people know about her betrothal with Grimmson, and are already warming up to the idea. Two feuding families are proposing a similar match of their own, and a few Norsemen roam through the market, boasting to anyone who will listen about Grimmson.

Thor Grimmson once slew a pack of wolves that terrorized his village, and wears the black pelt of the alpha as a trophy.

Thor Grimmson was awarded his noble title and his chain mail from a man who wasn't even his father, because Grimmson saved him in battle along with three royal clans.

Chief Thor Grimmson only wears black because he has been marked by the Valkyrie. If he wears cloth of any other color, it turns black within half a day. Even his weapons and chain mail darken in hue from silver to a smoky gray.

Grimmson this, Grimmson that. Blah, blah, blah.

A glint of familiar chain mail catches Fanny's eye and she tugs her hood lower over her face. She begins to follow Grimmson and his retinue and she tails them through the market, the docks, and the stables, only to lose them around the archery range.

"Och," Fanny curses under her breath and puts her hands on her hips, then gasps and steps back when Grimmson appears beside her.

"Her highness is an accomplished sneak," Grimmson chuckles and Fanny blinks. The way he moves and carries himself reminds her of someone, but she cannot remember who.

"Is this what you do for fun?" he asks.

"Don't patronize me," Fanny drops her hood and glares and Grimmson scratches his chin and looks away to hide his grin. "And stop laughing. How can you be happy about this?"

"It's funny."

"Not _thi_s, I mean about marrying each other!"

"How can I not be happy?" Grimmson takes a step back. "Anyone would be lucky to have you."

"You don't mean that," Fanny's lip curls. "You haven't looked at me once. And you won't talk to me."

"We're talking now."

"Because you can't avoid me. Face it; you don't want anything to do with me."

"That's not true."

"Prove it!"

"As you wish," Grimmson reaches up and pushes his helmet back, then turns towards Fanny, who freezes. His eyes, _his eyes!_ As soon as Fanny stares into his brown eyes she knows, and she manages to whisper before Grimmson leans down to kiss her:

"Rachel?"

"…Rach…" Fanny mumbles while slumped in the dentist's chair. Rachel leans forward with an expectant look on her face.

"Listen, listen! She's dreaming about me."

Abby, Hoagie, and Lacy stop talking and the silence is filled with a low groan that escapes Fanny's mouth.

"Wait," Hoagie's brows scrunch together. "What? Is she in pain?"

"She shouldn't be, but if she is, it sounds like a sweet kind of pain," Lacy waggles her eyebrows.

"Mmmhmm," Abby grins and winks at Rachel, who turns beet red. "She dreamin' of you alright."

Fanny moans again and Rachel stares.

"Oh shit," Lacy flips open a dog-eared notebook and begins to scribble notes. "Is this a side effect of the antidote? Because, you know…"

"Unf," Abby begins to fan herself with her hat. "Abby'll have what she's having."

"Take one of these and call me in the morning, am I right?" Lacy cackles and Abby nudges her in the ribs. "Haw haw!"

"Ooh, you evil child."

"Rachel," Fanny slurs as she almost rolls out of the dentist's chair, unnerved with a heavy head. Her eyes are unfocused and glassy. "Rach!"

"Here, I'm right here," Rachel catches her and puts her back onto the chair. "Did it work? How do you feel?"

"Like," Fanny feebly grabs at Rachel's arms. "Like… 'm at the bottom…bottom of a pool…"

"Success. Elle parle Anglais," Lacy ends her notes with a flourish. "Don't let her operate heavy machinery for twelve hours at least."

_= = = Also, have her drink lots of water and if she yaks, park her in front of a toilet. = = = _

The ride back is awfully quiet, save for the hum of the engine. The cabin is so cramped that Fanny must sit in Rachel's lap. Her hands curl around Rachel's shoulders and she sticks her face into her neck and burps.

"Urrrgh."

Abby wrinkles her nose and rubs Fanny's back. "We need to get her home."

"Seriously," Rachel says. "Fanny," she whispers. "We're gonna bring you home. You need to sleep."

"Mmmn."

"Who's got the house this week? Your dad?"

"No, my mum."

Rachel and Abby share a look, then Abby reaches for some climbing gear. Instead of bringing her though the front door, they sneak her in through her bedroom window. Rachel tucks Fanny in bed and puts pillows behind her back so she can sit up, then turns away to pull the bottle of water from Fanny's backpack. When she looks back, she finds the bed empty and glimpses Fanny stagger out into the hallway.

"Fanny!" Rachel hisses, but she has to hide when Fanny calls out.

"Mum!"

"Fff…" Rachel dives into Fanny's closet and listens.

"What is it?" Fanny's mother says. "When did you get back? What in the world happened to you?"

"Just a little sick is all," Fanny says. "I'll make you a deal. I won't be the princess in the Games, but I'll go to the Games and ask someone out from the seventeen and under category."

Rachel fights the urge to yell.

"…Will you really?" Fanny's mother asks.

"Yes," Fanny says. "And he doesn't have to be the best."

"He can't be the worst though. And he has to be from the boys category, not the girls."

"And whoever I choose, you can't disagree with, or be mean to at all. You'll have to live with it until I decide to end it. If I decide to end it."

"Deal!" Fanny's mother begins to cackle as she leaves. As soon as the cackling dies down, Rachel tumbles out of the closet. She scoops Fanny up before she falls and puts her back into bed.

"Fanny! What are you doing?"

"I'm shutting my mum up about our relationship once and for all."

"But you just said you'd pick a guy from…wherever you were talking about!"

"No, I'm going to pick you."

"…Huh?"

"Call Sector V and my brothers. I think it's best if I explain this plan only once."

"I think it's best if you go to sleep," Rachel crosses her arms.

"No, no, no! This has to start today."

"I…arrgh! But you're sick!"

"Fine, I'll take a nap. But we'll meet everyone for dinner. Please, love?" Fanny pouts. "Please?"

"Ugh," Rachel picks up Fanny's cellphone and then looks at the pink walls and the collection of rainbow monkeys. "Are they coming here?"

"No!" Fanny sits straight up in bed. "Ask George for a private room."

Rachel frowns and climbs out the window and onto the roof to make her calls. She settles next to the chimney, lays flat and disappears against the roof. After calling Paddy and Patton, she dials Abby's number and waits for her to pick it up.

"_Talk to me."_

"Numbuh 5, this is 362. Can you and your team meet me and Fanny at Lime Ricky's in a couple hours?"

"_Yeah. Why, what's up?"_

Rachel's fingers start tapping out an S.O.S. on a tile roof. "…She won't tell me."

"_Oh,"_ Abby says in an I-suddenly-understand way. _"Oh."_

"What?"

"_When are you gonna tell 86 'bout your Frankenstein experiment?"_

"What?" Rachel clenches her hand into a fist. "How…?"

"_You think Numbuh 5 don't know what's going on with her team?"_ Abby asks. _"She knows you asked Kuki and Hoagie to mess with your conductivity."_

"That has nothing to do with this!"

"_Ooh, girl. Please."_ Rachel imagines Abby holding up her hand. _"You think Fanny owes you an explanation? And you think you don't owe her one?"_

"But…"

"_If I may speak,"_ Abby says. _"As one Supreme Leader to another. You are no longer 86's boss; you are her girlfriend. Communication is a two-way street between the both of you."_

Rachel takes a deep breath. "She'd shut it down before I even finished explaining it…and that sounded a lot less wrong in my mind before I said it."

"_It's not Numbuh 5's business, so she won't say anything to 86, but she's still has concerns." _

"Duly noted," Rachel says. She's quiet for a few moments.

"_You alright?"_ Abby asks. Her voice is soft.

"Yeah," Rachel's mind seems to swirl in her skull. "I hadn't realized…"

"_It's hard to stop being a leader."_

"It is. You never really stop either," Rachel moves her shoulder and feels the ICD in her chest. "I'm still gonna do it."

"_It's your body, girl."_

"But," Rachel's mouth becomes dry. "I don't wanna be another Lovelace, Abby."

"_Yeah?"_

"After she told us all of those things…I understood it. I totally got why she did those things to herself. I could see myself doing the same things if I had to."

"_Which is why you gotta let 86 know what's up,"_ Abby says. _"Something to think about, baby."_

"Yeah. Thanks, Abby."

= = = … = = =

There are no private rooms at Lime Ricky's. What people call the private rooms are actually the attic and the spaces in the walls that sometimes hold contraband and couch-surfing teenagers. Sector V, Fanny's brothers, and Patton are already on their second round of soda when Rachel half-carries Fanny into the attic.

"Hey!" Patton raises his bottle. "Took you long enough. How you holding up?"

"Bleh," Fanny grimaces as Rachel lowers her into a seat, and she doesn't let go of Rachel's arm as she sits down next to her.

"Hate to be indelicate, baby," Abby says. "But we gotta be on a plane to Siberia in two hours. What's did you need to talk about?"

Fanny takes a shuddering breath. "I want to commission you to help Rachel pass as a boy in the Scottish Games."

= = = … = = =

Notte Bene: I've been AWOL for what? A year? It feels longer than that. Sorry for dropping off the face of the earth. This story isn't abandoned, but it's difficult to fit fanfic between classes, work, and a thesis. Thanks to all you readers for waiting! And if you just discovered this fic, then thanks for giving this story a chance!

I imagine Abby would understand a lot of languages, because she's interested in archaeology, so she should be proficient in all kinds of languages. Not necessarily writing it, but reading, speaking and listening (and only at the level of a three year-old), so that she would be better prepared to work with other people at dig sites and stuff. I think the TND would also have language tests, so that they would know which operatives spoke which and that would help them avoid a Tower of Babel thing. If Fanny's non-English dialogue is wonky, then let me know and I'll try to fix it.

After some tweaking and purification of the antidote, Lacy invented "Wet Jimmies" a dream-inducing candy with the tagline: _It'll Rustle You!_ Thanks to that, she was promoted to actual scientist, instead of just an assistant. The lab was assigned another assistant after that and the poor guy had to find out where Lacy's real leg went.


End file.
